February 8, 2012

Valentine's Day (Alt. Title: Shoot Me in the Face)

V.D.

It’s no coincidence that Valentine’s Day shares the same initials as Venereal Disease. They both come with a lot of discomfort, shame and anxiety.

Can you tell that I’m a hopeless romantic? I’ve got romance seeping from my veins, motherfuckers.

Obviously.

I know what you’re thinking. “This bitch just needs to get laid.” And you know what? You’re absolutely wrong. I get my lay on plenty. Really, when it boils down to it, my problem with V-Day is much like everyone else’s: Shut the fuck up and stop telling me that one day in the year I should be spending all this money on stupid pink and red crap that will get me NOWHERE closer to my ultimate goal of being a Sex Goddess. That’s everyone’s goal, right? No? Whatever. Shut up. It totally is.

Regardless of my general distain for the concept of the holiday, I’ve found myself attached this year and figured perhaps we would take part in something somewhat festive. After some brief brainstorming sessions and a stupid amount of back and forth texting with me declining pretty much every suggestion she made, I think we’ve come to the conclusion that Valentine’s Day is really just fucking dumb.

Everything that would qualify as romantic on an ordinary day suddenly seems cliché and douchetastic.  If I woke up some random morning in May and found roses all over my room and a fun-filled day of sex and adventure planned, then FUCK ME SIDEWAYS I would be happier than a pre-teen skank at a 50% sale at Forever 21. But, on Valentine’s Day, these gestures feel forced. If you weren’t paying attention in the previous post, I don’t like it when people tell me what to do. Hallmark is telling me to shower my babyboo with love, affection and edible strawberry oil that tastes like cancer, and it makes me want to throw some slaps. (Come to think of it, that might just be the perfect gift... but you don’t need to hear those details. Let’s move along…)

Regardless of the ludicrousy (shut up, spellcheck! That’s a fucking word.) of horoscopes, I’ll admit that I get sucked into them from time to time. I want to disregard them and claim them all to be a giant pile of great fuckery, but I am a Pisces through and through and no matter how hard I try to ignore it, astrology gets me. (Stop judging me.)  So, one slow afternoon at work, I found myself perusing a website that told me all about how my Piscean waterself is compatible with my Scorpion counterpart. What riveting literature!   To my delight, below the detailed description of our passion and fervor was a list of suggestions on how to spend Valentine’s Day.  I couldn’t pass this by, folks, I really couldn’t.  So, in the spirit of the impending blood bath lovefest, let me introduce:

Valentine’s Day Ideas 
Brought to you by: The Biggest Asshat Website in the History of The Internet


On this Valentine’s Day reenact the first date of yours, followed by a walk with your palms clutched together, she'd definitely adore the idea of violins and a Valentine’s Day cake, if you can arrange. Make her feel loved by singing a love song for her on this Valentine’s Day. Do something which would move her, which would mesmerize her like making a photo collage of her which should showcase her in all moods. This would make her feel that how closely you observe her and know her.
 

Like women, even men like being pampered and spoiled, that's our take. So, this Valentine's Day even if you are bad at cooking, prepare his favorite dish and feed him with your own hands, even if you would have messed it up, he will never complain as the salt from your hands will make it even more delicious. Try to pen down some beautiful love poetry for him which would make him realize upto what extent you can go to express your love. This Valentine's Day become his best friend and share with shim your deepest thoughts and dreams and make him think that in your small nest, he owns a very prominent place.


SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

I think this pretty much writes itself. I can hear the sound of all of your eyes rolling into your heads as you scanned those suggestions, but if any of you at any point thought “Hey, that’s a good idea” then I hate you. (Baaaaah, fine I don’t hate you, but seriously? SERIOUSLY?  Go smear your salty hands over someone else’s food.)

I could spend an afternoon ripping through those piece’o’shit suggestions, but I’m going to hold back a bit because I know y’all have lives and whatever.  There are, however, a few things I can’t let slide.

1)  If you’re going to sit me down and sing to me about how you feel, things are going to get fucking awkward (especially if you can’t play an instrument). I would know, because when I was 17, I did it. I learned the hard way.  Nothing is more uncomfortable than having a one person accapela version of Boyz II Men’s I’ll Make Love to You* sung to your face as you sit there silently. Seriously. Don’t do it.

*I did not sing that song when I was 17. I wrote my own song. It was shameful.

2)  Don’t ever try to show a girl all of her moods via collage. She probably knows she’s a moody fucking bitch, and she doesn’t need you reminding her.  That, my friend, is how you get a fork in your face.  

3)  That thing about the food? False. If you cook me something disgusting, the salt on your hands is not going to help. Also, why the fuck are your hands so salty? Do we need to take you to the doctor? Wash your hands more, you filthy motherfucker.

Here’s an idea: Stay in bed this Valentine’s Day, get your fuck on (or masturbate if you’re alone) and shove a shit ton of delicious food into your face.

Romance.

**

UPDATE: 

This was my favourite follow-up 'suggestion' from a reader.


What. Is. Wrong. With. You.
 

29 comments:

  1. "Celebrate" the day after. Discounted chocolate.

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    Replies
    1. Touche! I'm going to be all over that like white on rice.

      Delete
  2. Fucking awesome! You rock girl! :)

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  3. Ludicrousness?

    I second the motion of buying chocolates post-Venereal Disease day. They'll be cheaper. Much, much cheaper! :P

    -Barb

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    1. Ludicrousness... Is that right?? Damn. Well Ludicrousy somehow sounds right in my brain... but that's really not saying a lot.

      I'm getting pretty excited for discount chocolate!

      Delete
  4. Firstmost, my ultimate goal in life IS to become a Sex Goddess.

    Can I just tell you that I had a violent physical reaction to this post. The suggestions made me so nauseous that I had to refill my wine halfway through. Hold your hands palm to palm while you slit your wrists together. This is awful. If you must buy a gift for someone on Valentine's day it better come from VIP (sex toy shop in the states). And you should refrain from mentioning the "V" word. Ever. Just bone.

    Also, there's a typo in the "for him" part and it says "shim" and it made my life better.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I had a feeling we shared some similar life goals.

      These suggestions definitely pair nicely with a liter or 3 of wine. I seriously guffawed aloud when I stumbled on the suggestions. True story: They're copied and pasted. The typo is most definitely all them. SHOCKING that they wouldn't be up to snuff on their typing skills with a brain as sharp as theirs!

      VIP sounds like a good time. Sign me up!

      Delete
  5. Worst fucking holiday ever. I boycott every year. Last year my Ex made a rule to spend $25 on each other for the day. He made this cheesy photo-frame-collage with pictures of us. Gag me. I bought a bottle of tequila.

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    Replies
    1. A girl after my own heart.
      Tequila is perfect for vday. Drink til you forget.

      Delete
  6. This will be my second Valentine's Day with my boyfriend, and we both abhor the day. It's so nasty with all of its frills, pinks, and reds. And SMILING HEARTS??? WTF? I hate those guys! Get outta here smiling hearts!

    I do however, do something that would make you want to vomit. I spend the day taking note of all the bitter facebook status updates that my friends post, then toward the end of the night, I go out and buy a bunch of roses, write personal notes to each friend, and deliver them to their sorry asses, because they're almost always sitting at home feeling bitter. It always makes them happy. Then we all go out and have dinner somewhere.

    Or I throw a giant rager. Depending on my mood.

    This year, I am away from home and carless in a new city. So, I won't be delivering roses. I also don't live at home with my parents, so the idea of throwing a rager is out as well.

    Perhaps a raging tea party?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Valentine's Day is the perfect day to get wasted and eat a ton of chocolate.

      Regarding your rose tradition- it may have made me puke a little bit in my mouth, but I think that it is actually really sweet, specifically because you're being sweet to your friends. I hate that Vday is so geared towards couples, and it makes single people feel like shit. You are very sweet for thinking of those friends and including them. Puke and all.

      Delete
  7. "...making a photo collage of her which should showcase her in all moods. This would make her feel that how closely you observe her and know her." and also make her realise that sig-o (significant other, obvs) is actually massive stalker.

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    1. RIGHT! That's exactly what I was thinking. There's nothing about that that isn't totally creepy. (Also, I picture the collage comprising of pictures taken of her from a distance when she doesn't know you're there. Obvs)

      Delete
  8. I can't allow myself to believe that those suggestions are serious. I refuse to believe it. Point #2 is the point that I wanted to make. I plan to celebrate V Day with pho (if I can eat solid food by then) and fucking.

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    Replies
    1. That's how I felt too... I'm going to add one of my favourite reader's suggestions to the post. It was LEGIT, YO!

      I give you a round of applause for your plans. Top notch!

      Delete
  9. Screw the chocolate and roses. Give me prime rib.
    Bah humbug.

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    1. Just because you hate chocolate doesn't mean you have to be so mean to it, Jayne. I'm going to have to go console it by eating a pound of it.

      Delete
  10. I'm going to Vegas this Valentine's Day. Why? Because I'm a crazy old single woman and can do ANYTHING I WANT!!! Oh yeah. . .and I'm bitter. . .and a little jaded too. . .does it show?

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    Replies
    1. JEALOUS. I WANT TO GO TO SIN CITY SO BADLY.

      ... And nahhh it doesn't show one bit ;)

      Delete
  11. found you through 20sb. You are hilarious! I like ur suggestion of staying in bed and stuffing yourself with chocolate.

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    Replies
    1. Glad to have you on board! Happy facestuffing!

      Delete
  12. You have a filthy mouth. I like you. Douchetastic, is a brilliant word. Carry on...

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  13. I don't celebrate Valentine's Day either. And I'm glad it's on a weekday because I can use work as an excuse for not celebrating it.

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    Replies
    1. Good. I'm glad to hear it!
      Exactly.. who the fuck celebrates anything on a weekday!?

      Delete
  14. I think the salt on your hands is from the tears that you shed when you realize that the dish you're preparing hasn't turned out perfectly and that the deadline for becoming your sweetie's best friend is just a few hours away, and you have no idea how you're going to accomplish that in time if you haven't done so in the months, or year's you've been together so far.

    Mmmm, salt.

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    1. Delicious. I'm glad you cleared that up. Salty tears on my Mac'n'cheese. Adds an extra je ne sais quoi!

      Delete
  15. Wife Unit and I do not celebrate V-Day. We both agree that it's stupid. If you really love someone, you should make a point to show them more than one day a year, and I can think of a lot of better ways to show them than with candy and cheap flowers.

    Reading about people's hand salt made me throw up in my mouth a little.

    ReplyDelete