Like all other bloggers, I tend to keep my eye on how many people have stumbled onto my blog, which posts they decided to read, and where the hell they came from.
I remember when I first started blogging, I nearly pissed my pants when I saw someone from Norway found my blog, and immediately felt like I was a motherfucking international rockstar. (My dreams of becoming a Norwegian princess was quickly coming true!) Now that more time has passed, I’ve learned that the Norwegian was probably drunk and left my blog as quickly as he found it… but regardless, I was famous* in my own right.
*Thanks to Ms. Annah Rondon of Red Means Go, I find myself constantly saying “famosity” in my head as if it’s a real word. I hereby declare that the dictionary is a giant doucherag and Famosity is, in fact, a word. Suck it, Webster. Oh, and in case you haven’t already, you should totally check Annah out.
When I write a blog post, I’ll admit that I start writing with very little concept of what my ‘theme’ will be for the day. Sometimes I use my blackberry notes for inspiration, but most often, my fingers just start spewing what I like to call Verbal Diarrhea. (I have never in my entire life spelled Diarrhea correctly on the first try. Seriously. Never. Fuck you and your double ‘r’s, and what the fuck is that ‘h’ doing in there? I hate you.)
I know that my blog has no real ‘structure’, but I can guaran-fucking-tee that I get the most joy out of slandering idiots, bitching and drawing attention to all things douchey. With this in mind, I’m sure it will come as no surprise to you that the key searchwords leading to my blog are fucking ridiculous. And wonderful.
It shocks me every day that I have loyal readers who ‘get’ my sense of humour and it brings me even more joy to know that my blog is being found by crude, horrid things that people are searching on Google. This morning I checked my key words for the month and nearly spewed coffee out of my nose.
I bring you:
This Month’s Most Searched Keywords
1) Kristina Kustra is a dear friend of mine and I’m sure whoever was looking her up was delighted to come across posts about dead raccoon fetuses. Delightful.
2) Ms. Doubtfire searches have generated an alarming number of blog hits. People really love that film and I don’t fucking blame them. That shit is gold. The post can be found here.
3) Polkadot clovers. Well, that one makes sense. Logic pisses me off.
4) “Squirted so much” Puddle. This is a personal favourite of mine. Sharon and I were recently discussing this one and decided that some poor weeping girl must have been devastatingly embarrassed when her boyfriend made her squirt that she took to the internet to find some answers. All I can hope is that her boyfriend now calls her Puddles and only fucks her in the tub like the classy bitch she is.
5) Crying in my underwear made it in there twice. This makes me feel less alone, but it also makes me feel like a cliché. I’m willing to bet I’m the only one who had beets involved in her weeping display of distress. Those fucking beets will haunt my dreams forever.
6) Polkadots vs run the world. I told you guys I’d become Norwegian royalty, and everyone knows that when you rule Norway, the next step is running the world. (Probably with pigeons).
7) Sex Valentines Shoot. I can only hope that ‘shoot’ means ‘pictures’ and not ‘gun’.
8) Sharon Pigeon Nude. You just know that someone out there was looking for pigeon porn. Sorry to disappoint, but I have a strict No Nude Pigeons rule on my blog.
9) Teenage Mutant Ninja Boners!!!! My favourite part about this is the enthusiasm expressed with those exclamation marks. I can’t even try to understand what the fuck the context of this was, but boy am I glad it found my blog.
A couple other favourite keywords that found my blog this week:
2) Ninja Slut
3) How to deepthroat*
I can’t even begin to express how proud I am.
This must be the feeling my parents were talking about when they talked about "success."
*Holy shit are you ever in the wrong place, darling.
Are there any funny keywords that found your blog?