February 24, 2012

Keywords: Teenage Mutant Ninja Boners!!!!

Like all other bloggers, I tend to keep my eye on how many people have stumbled onto my blog, which posts they decided to read, and where the hell they came from.

I remember when I first started blogging, I nearly pissed my pants when I saw someone from Norway found my blog, and immediately felt like I was a motherfucking international rockstar. (My dreams of becoming a Norwegian princess was quickly coming true!) Now that more time has passed, I’ve learned that the Norwegian was probably drunk and left my blog as quickly as he found it… but regardless, I was famous* in my own right.

*Thanks to Ms. Annah Rondon of Red Means Go, I find myself constantly saying “famosity” in my head as if it’s a real word. I hereby declare that the dictionary is a giant doucherag and Famosity is, in fact, a word. Suck it, Webster.  Oh, and in case you haven’t already, you should totally check Annah out.

When I write a blog post, I’ll admit that I start writing with very little concept of what my ‘theme’ will be for the day. Sometimes I use my blackberry notes for inspiration, but most often, my fingers just start spewing what I like to call Verbal Diarrhea. (I have never in my entire life spelled Diarrhea correctly on the first try. Seriously. Never. Fuck you and your double ‘r’s, and what the fuck is that ‘h’ doing in there? I hate you.)

I know that my blog has no real ‘structure’, but I can guaran-fucking-tee that I get the most joy out of slandering idiots, bitching and drawing attention to all things douchey. With this in mind, I’m sure it will come as no surprise to you that the key searchwords leading to my blog are fucking ridiculous. And wonderful.

It shocks me every day that I have loyal readers who ‘get’ my sense of humour and it brings me even more joy to know that my blog is being found by crude, horrid things that people are searching on Google. This morning I checked my key words for the month and nearly spewed coffee out of my nose.

I bring you:   
This Month’s Most Searched Keywords




Some thoughts.


1)      Kristina Kustra is a dear friend of mine and I’m sure whoever was looking her up was delighted to come across posts about dead raccoon fetuses. Delightful.

2)      Ms. Doubtfire searches have generated an alarming number of blog hits. People really love that film and I don’t fucking blame them. That shit is gold. The post can be found here.

3)      Polkadot clovers. Well, that one makes sense. Logic pisses me off.

4)      “Squirted so much” Puddle. This is a personal favourite of mine. Sharon and I were recently discussing this one and decided that some poor weeping girl must have been devastatingly embarrassed when her boyfriend made her squirt that she took to the internet to find some answers. All I can hope is that her boyfriend now calls her Puddles and only fucks her in the tub like the classy bitch she is.

5)      Crying in my underwear made it in there twice. This makes me feel less alone, but it also makes me feel like a cliché. I’m willing to bet I’m the only one who had beets involved in her weeping display of distress. Those fucking beets will haunt my dreams forever.

6)      Polkadots vs run the world. I told you guys I’d become Norwegian royalty, and everyone knows that when you rule Norway, the next step is running the world. (Probably with pigeons).
 
7)      Sex Valentines Shoot. I can only hope that ‘shoot’ means ‘pictures’ and not ‘gun’.

8)      Sharon Pigeon Nude.  You just know that someone out there was looking for pigeon porn. Sorry to disappoint, but I have a strict No Nude Pigeons rule on my blog. 

9)      Teenage Mutant Ninja Boners!!!! My favourite part about this is the enthusiasm expressed with those exclamation marks. I can’t even try to understand what the fuck the context of this was, but boy am I glad it found my blog.


A couple other favourite keywords that found my blog this week:

2) Ninja Slut
3) How to deepthroat*

I can’t even begin to express how proud I am. 

This must be the feeling my parents were talking about when they talked about "success."



*Holy shit are you ever in the wrong place, darling. 
 ---

Are there any funny keywords that found your blog?

26 comments:

  1. How do you see that information? I am somewhat new to blogging and I am OBsessed with tracking everything...it's sort of like when I got a hybrid and trying to get as many MPG as I could just like I am sure everyone else did....right??

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    1. Go to your blogger dashboard and hit "stats". You should be able to click on 'traffic sources' to see the keywords :) It's extremely addictive... especially if they're hilarious.

      Happy Blogging!

      Delete
  2. I am so jealous! People only find my blog by searching for "cute sorry face" and "cupcake dogs" and "naked children." That last one is a bit worrisome.

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    1. Oh dear god. I really hope you don't have naked children postings in your blog Missy!! That's definitely a worrisome search.
      Cupcake dogs, however... now that one is exciting!

      Delete
  3. Crying in my underwear and pigeon porn. HAHAHAHA. Wanna know how I know you're running a successful blog?!

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    Replies
    1. HA. Definition of success. Makin' mama proud!

      Delete
  4. I'm so jealous! Eldersnatch? I can only dream.

    Oh, I did notice last weekend that someone found me by searching for 'desperate-jayne.com'. I am always Jayne and at times, desperate, but otherwise, nah uh. (Go on...check out the site. You know you wanna.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. DEAR GOD JAYNE. You should warn someone before they click those links at work bahahahaha. My managers are going to start thinking I'm into some weird fucking shit... because I'm not. Probably. Maybe.

      Delete
    2. Oops. My bad.
      I sure hope that if I get hit by a truck that one of my friends has the wherewithal to erase the browsing history on my work laptop. Not that there's anything there that's really bad, but they really should update that site-blocking software. They only have themselves to blame.
      ; )

      Delete
  5. Ha, ha. Just today, I had someone stumble upon my blog with the keyword search "shekira purno sex."

    Seriously, WTF?

    -Barb the French Bean

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    Replies
    1. HA! That's great. Confusing... but great.

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  6. Eldersnatch.....that, that, can go so many ways!

    Some of mine are blowjobs and homeless people, and we all know that giving blowjobs to homeless people only encourages them to stay on the streets.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You would know that, Jana. I swear, we've got to keep your eye on you around the homeless!

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    2. Ha ha Brit, apparently I can't seen to help myself!

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  7. I like the Eldersnatch one! Sadly people find my blog by searching for things such as "dating a sociopath," "deranged girl," "blotchy rash," and "unfolded underwear." They all make some sort of sense, but nothing is as cool as Eldersnatch. Although I took it as a compliment when some people found my blog with "deranged genius." I'll take what I can get!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wooonnnnnderful! Deranged genius is most definitely a compliment!
      Also, do you have an entry about dating a sociopath? That sounds very fun. If I wrote a post about that, people would think my gf is a sociopath... she might be upset. not in a sociopathic kind of way... hopefully.

      Delete
  8. I was just about to do a blog like this! Though I think yours definitely wins.

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    1. Ha! Well I bet yours would be very funny too!

      Delete
  9. According to Google Analytics, the top search terms that generated a hit to my blog over the last month were:

    can of whoop ass
    holey jeans
    tattered jeans
    10.167.64.1
    beer funnel
    bloggin.it
    buffalo wild wings boneless wings
    coral cactus white fungus
    crazy atv goggles

    My list isn't as interesting as yours. Not at all.

    In other news, since Firefox remembers the sites you visited in the drop-down bar at the top, I just have to type in the word "anal" to bring up Google Analytics. Makes me grin every time.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That's a pretty good list. I really like "can of whoop ass" and "beer funnel" ... I'm pretty sure those are 2 awesome topics right there.

      I'm pretty surprised anal doesn't bring up other frequented sites.. jussayin.

      Delete
  10. hahaha this is hilarious.

    I have no idea what keywords bring readers to my blog, but I am curious to find out.

    Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I tagged you in hopes of getting to know you better through my questions. Rules and more info here: http://www.breakfastattinas.com/2012/02/1111-q-random-facts-about-me.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You must find out! It's always a good laugh.
      I'm going to check that questionnaire out very soon! My computer at home is busted but once this weekend ends I'll be back at work, free to use the internet behind my manager's back! hehehe

      Delete
  11. I literally just snorted yogurt out my nose while reading this post.

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    1. I define success based on how much dairy I can force out of someone's nose.

      Success.

      Delete
  12. KRISTINA KUSTRAJuly 12, 2012 12:46 PM

    https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=654978117656&set=a.728328966966.2329625.121509895&type=1&theater When I dressed up as a teenage mutant ninja turtle in above link, I had a sock boner.

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