February 6, 2012

Your Mom is Organic.


Eating healthy is fucking dumb.

Before you healthnuts start reaming factoids down my throat about the importance of treating our bodies well and how kale is going to make me glow like an orgasmic, pregnant unicorn, I’m going to have to stop you. You can roll around in your wheatgrass, organic flaxseeds and daily probiotics all you fucking want, but don’t even try to convince me to take part in your cult’o’douche.  Just hearing the word organic makes me want to vomit all over the 15 year old grocery clerk in the produce aisle.

Recently, while gallivanting around local a grocery store with a friend, it was brought to our attention that the store did not sell ‘regular’ celery or zucchini (and probably other fruits and veggies, but I didn’t break into a full investigation. Something for another day, folks). The only option was ‘organic’, which essentially means that the amount you’re paying for a handful of zucchinis is equivalent to sending little Eduardo, the Ecuadorian child you saw on TV on Sunday afternoon when you were hungover, to school for six years - without the benefit of knowing you’re helping the needy. Instead, all you are gaining is the knowledge that the produce you’re buying is ‘organic’- a convoluted term that probably mostly just means your fruits and veggies are covered in cow farts.

By definition, organic means: ‘of, relating to, or derived from living matter.’ No fucking shit, farmboy! Produce comes from living matter. That’s science. There are so many derivations of the term ‘organic’, that while the jolly, patchouli-sniffing hippie acts all high and mighty on their mound of organic tampons (sorry, Jen) and free trade roasted seaweed chips, it is extremely difficult to ensure that their products are, in fact, entirely chemical-free. What you can ensure, however, is that you’re paying preposterous prices. You may as well start wiping your ass with fivers, motherfucker.

I’ve said it once (or more?), and I’ll say it again: I’m a vegetarian. I’m one of those twatwaddlers that y’all love to hate.
I get it.
You love bacon.
Steak makes the world go round.
You love to suck flesh off of bones and lick your fingers ‘til they bleed.
That’s cool.
You do what you want, and I’ll do what I want. If I want to eat eggs and roll around in a puddle of melted gouda, then that’s exactly what I’ll do. Even vegans, while I don’t entirely respect their choice to live without the splendor of the All Mighty Aged Cheddar, can do what they want as well. As long as no one is telling me what I should and should not do, everyone will keep their fingers, tongues and earlobes.

I feel like I may have gotten off track a little bit. What was I talking about? Oh right, eating healthy.

I’ll tell you this much: whenever something tastes amazing, and you find yourself asking “What in the fuckity fuck is in this dish? Angel tears?” chances are it’s unhealthy. Guaran-fucking-teed that bitch is loaded with a shit-ton of butter, possibly cream, probably cheese and some sort of carb and/or potato. (Psst. Want to know a little know secret? If the wind is just right, and you listen very carefully, you can hear Jenny Craig weeping in her stanky broccoli treehouse while you shovel those deep-fried orgasms into your piehole. Let her weep, hog, let her weep.)

Try as I might, just thinking about eating ‘healthy, well-balanced’ meals makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a fondue fork (mmm fondue). But, the time of bathing suits and tank tops is looming, and my winter binge eating is really starting to pay off. And by ‘pay off’ I mean: if I were to take up bellydancing, the instructor would be extremely offended and probably reconsider a new profession.

While I’ve toyed with the idea of giving up cheese for a month or two, I’ve also realized that that’s fucking stupid. I didn’t get a university degree to make asshat decisions like that.

So instead I’m going to give up butter chocolate cake candy potatoes bread pasta streetmeat tacos rice. Yep, that’s the one. I’m going to give up white rice. Probably. Maybe. Ask me again next week.

Bon Appetite, fellow facestuffers.

Pass the Crisco.

23 comments:

  1. I know what you mean! I went to the store the other night so I could buy frozen strawberries for smoothies, and all they had were these little tiny bags of organic strawberries that cost $6, for a bag the size of a sandwich ziploc! It was ridiculous.

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    1. That's effing ridonculous.
      I hope you tore open the bags and whipped the frozen strawberries at at the staff. People respond really well when you act like gorilla.

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  2. NEVER give up cheese! That would be awful. I ate green beans this weekend, which I was all proud of myself for eating a veggie (not my favorite food group), but then the only way I could eat them was if I marinaded them in butter, topped them with parmesan cheese, and dumped salt onto them. Not so healthy, but I don't give a fuck.

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    1. <3 I'm fighting the urge to write "THAT'S MY GIRL!" ... obviously I didn't fight it very hard.
      Mmmmm Parmesan. Sweet, sweet Parmesan.

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  3. Hahahha I'm the same kind of vegetarian (live and let live and GIVE ME CHEESE). And it's true, all the good things are usually covered in butter or cheese.

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    1. ;) I think we'd get along just fine.

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  4. Amen, sistah.

    After having lived in France (a.k.a. Baguette and Cheeseland), it is impossible for me to go throughout life and NOT enjoy the meals I am going to eat. Where's the fun in living if you're not *enjoying* it???

    That being said: moderation is key with practically anything in life...unless you happen to be a multi-millionaire who can afford to wipe their behind with $100 bills. :P

    -Barb

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    1. Oh Barb, you always remind me of the delightful food of France. And now my stupid homemade stirfry is even MORE unsatisfying.
      I would stab someone for a french baguette with cheese right now.

      I wish I were kidding.

      (And yes, yes, 'moderation'.)

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  5. If I gave up tacos, bread and pastas while being a vegetarian I would starve to death, since I'm the pickiest eater on planet earth.

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    1. Same here. Plus tacos are so fucking delicious.

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  6. I could care less about eating meat but if someone told me I couldn't eat carbs or dairy I would have to kill myself. Life is too short to eat kale every meal.

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  7. I LOVE junk food. My kids eat doritos and drink Dr Pepper for breakfast. (Don't judge my parenting, you know you have secrets too.)

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    1. Oh you can bet your butt I do!

      (Dr. Pepper is SO EFFING GOOD. I think it's one of the most underrated softdrinks of our time.)

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  8. My favorite apple seems only to come in organic. I, of course, found a new apple.

    On a happy note, last night I got home from class late at night and shoveled leftover Superbowl party dip into my face for about an hour. It consisted of cream cheese, sour cream, cheddar cheese (I believe I just covered all of the major food groups) salsa, and some chopped peppers and onions just so I could tell Jillian I actually ate vegetables. Fairly certain at least one artery closed in the process. Worth it.

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    1. I don't know about Jillian, but I'm VERY proud.
      And umm when you come to Toronto, please bring some of that dip. okthanksbye.

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  9. I'm vegetarian too! and "twatwaddler" is a MUCH better nickname than "meat wallet"- bravo! Of course Storm would use "vigantastically super feminine goddess core", but that's a bit wordy for a blog comment, no?

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    1. That is absolutely not too long for a blog comment. Meat wallet... now that's just crude! ;)

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  10. Your writing style? Amazing. I just wanted to point that out. This was wildly entertaining. I really enjoy your in-your-face sense of humor.

    And everything you wrote is so true. I honestly feel that "organic" is nothing more than a marketing ploy. Food companies are notorious for using weasel words and vague definitions to sell you the same crap you've eaten before, just repackaged and for twice the price. No, thanks. I'd rather just take my chances and bank that extra money toward a lipo. Now that's having your cake and eating it too!

    ~Shane

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    1. Why thank you, kind sir.
      I most definitely am an "in-you-face" kind of girl. Especially if we're talking about slaps.

      I, of course, would like to know that I'm not ingesting some sort of health-fucking chemicals in my food, but I think people need to realize that the term "organic" is not promising that.

      I think you're right on the money with the lip thing. Suck that shit out of me as I suck back the butter, motherfucker.

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  11. Cheese is what makes the world right.

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  12. Damnit. I am going to come across as a total alcoholic--and, really, I am only a recreational booze-hound--but I have to share. I shit you not (what the fuck does that even mean?), I once lost 10 pounds in a couple weeks by drinking 2-3 vodka martinis* before dinner each night. Then I ate whatever the fuck I wanted afterwards...I just didn't have much room left. Melted cheese for dinner with whatever carb I could find. Blisseriffic.

    *Kids, don't try this at home. I have extensive training and stretch before-hand.

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    1. Don't worry about sounding like an alcoholic. That's my specialty when hanging out in new social circles. I don't realize how many booze references I make until the night is over and everyone is hiding their wine from me.

      P.S. Best. diet. ever.

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