March 20, 2012

Yes, I Can See Your Tampon String.

It’s getting hot outside and all I can say is: Fina-fucking-lly
My pasty skin is tired of being layered up and suffocated by itchy material that regularly convinces me I’ve got flesh eating disease and/or bedbugs.

Bring on the sunburns, motherfuckaaaah.

While I am most definitely celebrating the recent warm weather shift, I’m going to have to take a minute to be a hypocrite.  Stay with me, guys.

This past winter was the fucking tits. Why?
a)      I didn’t slip and fall once.
b)      It never got too cold for me to stop sleeping in my underwear.

Those are my criteria for determining the ‘titliness’ of a winter. I’m sure there are other (smaller) factors to take into consideration, but who the hell has time for smaller things. AM I RIGHT, Girls!?

While I can recognize that there were some pretty unpleasant days that made my face burn like a prostitute’s urethra, I feel like I need to remind people that it’s March.

It’s March, guys.

We didn’t even get snow in Toronto until January. That’s 2 months of marginally uncomfortable weather. So, congratulations to those of you who invested a small fortune in your douchey Canada Goose jackets. I’ve been meaning to tell you that you look like Queen of the Asshats when you’re sweating up a storm on the subway because you don’t know how to dress yourself appropriately. I’m willing to bet you’re the same classy skankasaurus who chooses to bare your droopy asscheeks in 15 degree weather, hoping no one will notice the tampon string or the fact that they’re three sizes too small.  
Believe me. We notice.

Having said that, I’m pretty fucking happy that it’s warm outside because it makes me feel less dead inside. There are a lot of reasons for this exaltation, but I’m going to let you guess what the MAIN one is…

….

Are you guessing right now?

….

Guess or I’ll cut you…


Ok, fine. I’ll tell you.

It’s booze.  More specifically: daytime boozing.

There is nothing more enjoyable, and downright awesome than drinking under the warm glow of the sun. Soaking in the cancer and giving myself early onset liver failure is what life is all about. And I’ll be honest with you guys. During the colder months, I spend several hours a week perusing my summertime photo albums on Facebook. I don’t care if you think it’s pathetic. Your mom is pathetic.

Last summer I discovered the beauty of Gatorade & Vodka (Vodkarade… or Gatorka, for you awkward types). I’m pretty certain it’s Jesus’ gift to mankind… but don’t quote me on that… I hear Jesus gets pretty pissed when he finds out people are wrongfully saying he invented cocktails.

What have we learned today?

1)      The world is full of giant douchewranglers.
2)      The season of butt cleavage is upon us.
3)      ‘Summer’ is just a glorified term for ‘alcoholism’.
4)      And most importantly, Jesus makes wicked cocktails.


This week’s assignment: Use the term ‘titliness’ in a sentence at least three times.

***
Update!

It is with great pleasure that I accompany this post with a wonderful image.
Thank you to Jen Hladkowicz, who helped dream up this masterpiece.




22 comments:

  1. also planning to do the homework. thanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I look forward to hearing about how this turns out.

      Delete
  2. Summer is a synonym for binge drinking. I have had the urge to sit outside and get blitzed and giggly and sunburnt. Unfortunately, all of my friends in Fargo graduated and moved away, and the rest of the grad students take "responsibility" a little too seriously.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm very sad for you. Come to Toronto. No one I know is responsible.

      Delete
  3. Ahhh...I love summer. My favorite summer time drink is Simply Lemonade and Vodka. So nice and refreshing. Or if you want to spice it up, I go with lemonade and Seagram's Sweet Tea flavored vodka. Even YUMMIER

    And when we go out on the boat...ahhh....it's even better!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yummmm. Vodka and lemonade go hand in hand FOR SURE. Mmmmmm.

      I'm so jealous that you've mentioned having a boat in your life. Seriously. I think I spent 54% of the summer last year talking about wanting a boat.

      Delete
  4. I hate to say it, BFF, but I think this is the one time we disagree on things. I'm hiding from the sun like it's shooting flaming razorblades at my face. Partly because I turn a shade of red not found in nature when I'm in the sun for 45 seconds, and partly because the fact that it is 80* (um 26 for you...) in March makes me wonder if the Mayans have it right.

    I do, however, support vodkarade. Most people use gatorade to hydrate the day after much vodka consuming activity. You're just saving time on that one. I applaud you. And I'm currently eying my gatorade.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You raise a very good point, broseph.

      I, too, get very red in the sun and also worry for the state of the world... HOWEVER, I can blame the redness on the booze if I play my cards right, and if the world is ending, you'd better bet your ass I'm gunna be wasted for it.

      I am bathing in your applause. I can only dream that it started with a slow clap.

      Delete
  5. Leap year wasn't around when the Mayans cranked up their calendar, so technically, 514 leap days weren't counted and the world should have ended by 7 months ago(it's July 2013 according to the Mayans).

    Oh, and those motherfuckers BASKED in the sun. And you know they drank...how else would they come up with a circular calendar that no one can read.

    So drink up! I think we're safe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amen, sista!

      I'm 99% sure the Mayans were drunk and like "fuck it. Who cares what happens after 2012. Let's go get krunked."

      Delete
  6. Canada Goose jackets? Is that a brand?

    I think a Google search is in order. BRB

    ...Back.

    Looks like Nanook of the North meets NYC's Fifth Avenue.

    -Barb the French Bean

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haaaa. That's exactly what they look like.

      Delete
  7. Holy crap! That is a lot of speakers! That's so many speakers they're going to blow Mary Magdalene's clothes off!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't that always the ultimate goal?

      Delete
  8. Hahaha just stopped by and I love this blog... totally a follower!!! :) I live in the alps and we do daytime drinking pretty much year round. I love me some apres ski! Which is code for getting totally slaughtered in your ski boots from 2pm! Good times!!

    Love Elle xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad to have you on board, Elle :)
      Your skiing debauchery sounds like a blast. I'll be honest though... I'd skip the skiing all together and go straight for the booze.

      Delete
  9. I'll go a step further and use "titliness" three times in ONE sentence. To a stranger. I was also pleased with this year's non-winter - bring on the global warming, I say! And lastly, I, too, once thought Gatorka was the milk of Jesus, until I realized its true nature; too much it will make you hate Gatorade for months. Ugh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The trick is to never drink Gatorade without vodka. I also like adding some Lime Cordial and put it on ice for a 'fancier' Gatorka.

      I REALLY hope you do use it 3 times in a sentence. I'm pretty sure that makes you some kind of god.

      Delete
  10. I a bajillion percent agree that summer (hell, just sunshine) = glorious daytime drinking. But let us not forget that winter provides much more dark, which means that the only time that REALLY counts as day happens entirely within work hours, meaning that during the week you are good to go as soon as you are off work. Then, for the weekends, there is brunch. And everyone knows brunch makes booze okay. It's all about working the system. Also? Dayrinking (daytime drinking) is permitted anytime you have a day off--that's how you know for sure that it's a day off.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I fully agree with you MB. I'm pretty sure that drinking should be involved any time there's free day time.

      Also: Brunch is the nectar of the gods.

      Delete
  11. Yes, it may be a appearance one with the
    capital bolt to awning a ample breadth of ''the drive in the accouterment
    surface, covered with dresses and pants, the allurement
    will likely be clear-cut cobweb to optimize,
    within the bounce and summer appearance staged arena afterwards
    arena The amazing stage. Below I have provided 5 ways it is
    possible to rid yoursel of one's distracting mannerisms. On their unique, these fields tend being fairly stable, since these are based on the planet structures and resonance which tend not to typically change much for the human time scale.
    Here is my page : canada goose down

    ReplyDelete