March 29, 2012

Your Pictures Are Stupid; I Can't Look Away


In today’s day of social media sites, there is one megabeast that has made everyone its bitch. Yes, my friends, I’m talking about Facebook. This ‘social’ media tool has allowed for me to know when my friends are grocery shopping, if they’re still friends with that bitch from high school and how often they poop. While we all have a handful of friends who ‘won’t join Facebook out of principle’, I’ve decoded their reasoning to mean one of the following three things:

1)      “I’m worried I will look like a loser because I don’t have enough friends.”
2)      “I don’t understand social media websites.” 
3)      “I go out on a lot of heavy drug and drinking benders and don’t have the time or energy to untag myself from photos on a regular basis.” 

Whatever the reason may be, let’s just be clear about one thing: If you don’t have Facebook, you’re not getting invited to parties.  If you’re part of reason #3 for not joining Facebook, you’re probably doing yourself and your future rehab bill a favour. Jussayin’.

Like so many of you, I fucking hate Facebook. By this, I mean: I can’t stop fucking checking it.  I hate that I care what you did last night; I don’t know why, but I hate your face; if you post one more political status, I’m fucking deleting you and your pictures of your stupid bachelorette party make me want to stab myself in the shoulder/WHY WASN’T I INVITED!?

Whatever your relationship might be with this mind-numbing site, we all have different categories of people in our friends list. Some of them you care about, and others… well, you find yourself wishing them a firey death on a regular basis. I know what you’re thinking, but unfriending would just be too easy.

I’ve broken these people into 6 categories.

The Significant Other

There are a few things to consider when communicating with your shmoopy on Facebook:
First of all, do you have any shame? No? Then go ahead and post all of your disgusting love-filled messages all over their wall and let us judge you while we eat spicy peanuts in bed.  If you do have shame, keep in mind that with every cheesy message you write, it becomes increasingly challenging to think of you as an equal. (Sidenote: I know 90% of people with smartphones use them while they’re on the toilet. Don’t pretend you don’t. With that in mind, when I see horrifically sappy Facebook posts, I like to think of the author of said post sitting on the john while they profess their love. Take this wisdom with you, folks. Life just got a little brighter.)

Secondly, how many pictures have you posted of you and your poopybear kissing? If there is more than 1, that’s too many and you deserve a good swift chair to the face.

Lastly, if you’re the kind of person that updates your relationship status on Facebook, then please, for the love of god, only change it once you know you’ve broken up and/or started dating someone for realsies.  Keeping with this theme, I’d also like for you to keep your emotional status updates to yourself. I don’t give a flying fuck if you’re quoting some song you heard that touched your inner being; you sound like a whiny twelve year-old and I’ll assume you spend a good portion of your time crying and watching Twilight. Guess what? We’re not friends anymore.

The Good Friends

In a perfect world, my Facebook friends list would be compiled solely of my good, dear friends. These are the people I care about, and they post shit I want to read. I can tease them to their face about the dumb shit they write about, and we can bask together in our shame every weekend when the photos of our latest drinking binge surface. It’s not a perfect world, though, and Sue from accounting is going to add you as a friend, and you can’t do fucking shit about it. This brings me to my next category.

The Coworkers

Way to rain on my fucking parade, colleagues. Now I have to create a whole new limited profile for you, so you can’t know about the sex shows I attend and all of the blow I did last night. When I call in sick on Monday, you’re going to rat me out and I’m going to have to stab you in the bathroom. If you had just minded your own business and kept your friend request to yourself, we wouldn’t be standing here in a puddle of blood, hashing it out Freddy-style.*

*Not exactly an accurate depiction of real life. Dramatics added for color.

The Former Friends

These are probably the people I spend the most time stalking. You know those nights when you end up looking at someone’s wedding photos where you don’t know a single attendee, but you find yourself judging the décor and thinking that these people are fucking lame?  Ya. We’re never getting that time back, guys.

Seriously, though, stalking former friends can result in you missing them, hating them and/or envying them. Sometimes, all three emotions can occur when browsing through a single photo album, and you find yourself lingering over the ‘like’ button and wondering if it would be weird, nice, or creepy to click it. It’s probably creepy, since the album was from 2008, but go ahead a click it. Stir the pot a little. 

The Acquaintances

These are the people you contact once a year because Facebook told you it’s their birthday.  You should probably delete them.

The Family Members

Your relationship with your family will really affect how you perceive this category. If your family members are your BFFs, then la-dee-fucking-da, keep everything public and embrace your Honesty is the Best Policy way of life.  For the rest of us, yet another limited profile is created, double checked, triple checked, and checked again on a regular basis every time Facebook goes and changes their motherfucking privacy settings.
There are, of course, members of my family who have an all-access pass, namely my sister, who probably wishes she didn’t sometimes… but as for the aunts and uncles who saw me play baby Jesus during our reenactment of the nativity scene once upon a Christmas, it’s probably best to keep them at a distance.


I’ve contemplating deleting my Facebook dozens of times, but who are we kidding? That’s the cyber version of social banishment and I’m not ready to become a pariah just yet. When I’m alone with my 14 cats, living an envy-filled life spent observing the trips, parties and excursions of friends-gone-by, I’ll reevaluate. But for now, I’ll continue to judge you from the comfort of my peanut-filled bed.


****

OH! And I thought I should share with you the cookies that I made for my birthday/St. Patrick's day.
I thought of you guys with every polka dot I dropped on those godforsaken clovers. (If you remember... this was supposed to be a baking blog, but I'm far too vulgar.)


31 comments:

  1. I have wanna-be models on my facebook (unfortunately). The kind that probably starve themselves and all their pictures are only of themselves in model-ish poses or with kissy faces. Ew. I'm deleting them right now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm very proud of you. You're on your road to enlightenment, my friend.

      Delete
    2. L-Kat, you can play duck hunt! Every time you see that kissy face, i.e. duck face, just comment "bang" on it.

      Delete
    3. They may think you're saying you want to bang them, but I'm pretty sure those girls probably think everyone wants to bang them... so it can be your own little secret and you can bask in their impending self-hatred.

      Delete
  2. I want that cookie - NOW!

    As for FB... ugh. Now that I have an iPhone I never go on the site. If I have a message or something I'll check it but other than that FB can kiss my ass. It's so annoying. Constantly changing and seriously? I don't give a rat's ass that your baby just learned to walk or that you're feel blue because the weather isn't agreeing with you. Oh FB, just go away. Like Myspace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I also spend a lot less time browsing the site since I have updates sent to my blackberry (UGH. I want an Iphone more than Madonna wants to be young.)
      I do, however, end up sucked into pictures more than anything. LIFE RUINING.

      Delete
  3. Ha! This was great!

    I don't have facebook, and I HOPE I don't fit into any of your categories... I had it for much of highschool and university. I deleted it to prove a point to a friend in 2nd year.... AND I FELT FREEEEEE AS A BIIRRRDDDD.

    And I'm still crazy social- I probably just have to use text and actual phone calls more than most.

    Also, not having facebook was THE BEST when I was bartending. Creepy repeat customers were always asking me: "Um, so you don't have facebook? I couldn't find you."

    DAMN STRAIGHT YOU COULDN'T FIND ME.

    So, you know, there's that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you can be exempted from my list of people that won't join Facebook... because at least you HAD Facebook at one point.

      You sound like a stubborn bitch if you deleted it to prove a point. Just so we're clear, I like stubborn bitches and this is a compliment.

      Your regulars sound pretty hot.

      Delete
    2. ahahha stubborn bitch, indeed :)

      Delete
  4. I love the Annoying Cousin category, with statuses that are like the extreme ends of an insanity pendulum: "Oh BooBoo puppy fuck, I miss your face and your stink and being safe in your big, beefy biceps." which is then switched to "Fuck you you fucking fuck, I hate your face and your balls smell like cheese". Then, "WHY WON'T HE CALL ME I MISS HIM SO MUCH OMG I WANT TO DIE" to, "Some quotey bullshit about how strong and empowered I am without that jerk, written by some Vagina I've never heard of". All within the span of five minutes and with at least three new cell-phone self portraits. Holy jesus scrotum, it makes me want to stab my face. But, you know, family and all...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Replies
    1. <3 Your comments are always so delightfully colourful. My favourite part was when you said "holy jesus scrotum"... but it's pretty closely tied to "written by some Vagina I've never heard of".

      ... Mostly I love that you capitalized Vagina and not Jesus.

      You're my soul sister.

      Delete
  6. The "Significant Other" has to be the worst of them all. I used to know at 22 year old guy who was (openly) dating a 16 year old, and 99% of his statuses were dedicated to flooding my feed with a shower of hearts and how much he wuved his sweetheart. Ugh. He totally needed to be blocked.

    -Barb the French Bean

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blocked? He totally needed to be arrested!

      I'm a FB junkie, too. But I get frustrated with the Holier-than-Thou's out there who continually preach their advice and post motivational quotes and pictures that I've been known to deactivate a couple times a month. But the jonesing to know whether that chicken quesadilla you had for lunch was the best ever gets to be too much and like a crack whore, I think to myself, I'll just reactivate for a minute.
      Facebook is an ugly pimp.

      Delete
    2. Amen. Both of you have raised very valid points.
      Barb- Definitely arrest-worthy.
      Jayne- It really is the ugliest of all pimps.

      Delete
  7. IT'S ALL SO TRUE.
    (In awe at the true-ness in its wittily summarised form)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I hate spicy peanuts. Oh shit...this isnt my facebook status update? shiat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Y'all haven't HAD my spicy peanuts.

      Delete
  9. bahahah so very true.

    long live added colour!! (colour because you're in CANADA missy)

    i've definitely committed some facebook sins worthy of a good swift chair, but most of us have, isn't that what keeps the fb so dang interesting?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn. I go back and forth with my Canadian spelling. All these American bloggers are throwing off my GAME.

      You'll get your chairface soon.

      Delete
  10. Thanks to this post and the previous one, I just did a few little snorts in an internet cafe and now I'm pretty sure everyone around me thinks I have some kind of nasal problem.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm always proud to know I've caused public snorting.

      Delete
  11. I left facebook. I got sick of it. I wasn't a frequent user, mostly because I didn't really care what people ate for dinner or what their child looks like with food on their face. or that they have the mondays or TGIF.

    I also don't care to brag about my life at all. So I mostly just hit "like" or wrote stupid comments to other people. I didn't ever "friend" someone that I didn't personally know, though considering I had like almost 350 friends (I know not a lot compared some obsessive facebookers out there) I was barely in touch with any of them anymore.

    I did write a post about this on my blog a few months ago after I deleted it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Smart girl. I definitely don't have the self control to delete it and walk away, but, like you, I'm still really selective with who I add.

      Delete
  12. Everything you said rings true. LOVE that part about how people actually do profess their love on the toilet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel really fortunate to know that you spend most of your pooping time professing love.

      Delete
  13. So accurate. I hate when fb changes their privacy settings - I have to triple check every group to make sure people aren't seeing shit they are better off not knowing. Regarding the acquaintances - I have a rule. If I don't like them enough to wish them a happy birthday, I remove them from my friends list. Happy Birthday.

    ReplyDelete
  14. What about the people about to track your ass down on fb so they can better stalk you?

    ...hypothetically...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those people are what I like to call "dedicated".

      Delete