March 5, 2012

There Are No Tacos Here

Today deserves a good, swift kick to the crotch.
Kind of like your mom.

(Okay, that was rude. I take that back. I’ll leave your mom’s crotch out of this. For now.)

If you’re new to this blog, you may want to turn your head away from this post before your first impression of me is tarnished and soiled like your Friday night knickers.

If you’re not new, then I should still probably warn you that what you’re about to read bears no relevance to the current season and is really fucking dumb. You’re welcome.

What the shit am I going on about, you ask?
Well, my friends, I wish to embark on a journey with you. A journey into pet costumes. More specifically, ridiculous dog costumes that make me fear for the general public, dog owners and the poor canines that suffer through this embarrassment.
Why am I talking about this, you ask?
Because I fucking want to and sometimes I have way too much time on my hands.  In case you’re wondering, no I do not have a dog (or any pet, for that matter.)  

Before we get this party started, I’m sending a special shout out to DP, who is singlehandedly responsible for getting me sucked into this douchetastic insightful topic through a discussion on this up and coming website you may have heard of called Facebook.  Thanks, DP, I’m sure my readers are really grateful. (Probably) (Not)


The Loneliest Bride



This is probably one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen in my life. That dog looks suicidal and was probably plotting its owner’s death as this picture was being taken.
I made the mistake of inverting this picture into ‘negative’ and may never sleep again. I call the original picture “Dear Dog Owner, It’s Time to Join eharmony” and the inverted picture “I Will Eat Your Soul.”

....

I warned you.


The Cheerleader


Another suicidal dog, folks.
This costume has sucked the cheer right out of this furry fucker’s heart and it’s going to take a lot more than high-kicks and human pyramids to bring it back. I’m offended, the public is offended, and most importantly: your dog is going to eat that motherfucking tinsel and you’ll be singlehandedly responsible for reaching your hand up its ass to untangle your dog’s intestines.
Give me an EFF! You’re a dumb slut!

Ketchup



What. The. Fuck?
When you were considering all of the possible things you could dress your dog up as, how does a condiment come in as the winning option?  That must have been a really good joint you were smoking.
I seriously can’t tell if this is one of the most inventive ideas I’ve ever seen for a dog, or just the fucking stupidest. I’m definitely leaning towards the latter.  If this were hot sauce, however, I’d be giving you a round of applause  
(… I do love ketchup, though…)

The Raptor

I’m not going to lie; I think this is the best thing I’ve ever seen. If you dress your dog up like a raptor, I’ll probably have sex with you be your best friend.  This is just bad ass. 



Dora the Explorer


I am pretty certain that I’d pay to watch another dog pee on a dog wearing this costume. Dora the Explorer is a giant douchetwizzler. That being said, I’d also really like to buy this for a friend’s dog and make them walk their dog around in public wearing it.  The humiliation both the dog and my friend would undergo could be life altering and therapy-worthy.

No one said I was a good friend.


The Redneck



If I ever have a dog, they will wear this 100% of the time.
End of story.
I’ll always look hotter than my dog.
(That’s why people have dogs, right? So they can look hotter by comparison?
That’s what I thought. I’m glad we’re on the same page.)

I was going to post a picture of a dog dressed as a taco, but then I realized that the proportion of dog costumes that I like would start outweighing the ones I'm mocking, so that one will have to stay between me and the dog-taco.

…  Guess what, guys?

You will never get those 10 minutes of your life back.

If it makes you feel any better, those dogs will never get their pride back. So far, I think you’re winning.

---

What’s the best pet costume you’ve ever seen?

23 comments:

  1. I admit it: I dress my dog up. I am a sick and twisted individual who gets a kick out of humiliating my long-suffering, three-legged ball of dryer lint masquerading as some sort of pomeranian-inspired canine.

    I just bought her an easter bunny outfit. There's really nothing funnier to me than watching a hopalong dog in a bunny costume.

    For Halloween, I dressed her up as Frankenstein's monster. 'Cause, you know, she's missing pieces.

    I need help.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh My God.
      The Dora explorer costume is the best thing I have EVER seen!
      I need it. And a Dog.
      Or maybe I could dress the boyfriend up in it?

      Delete
    2. @ Dana- I won't judge you for dressing your dog up... as long as you dress it up as a raptor one day. That will entirely redeem your sickness.


      @ Laura- PLEASE dress your boyfriend up as Dora. And then pee on him.

      Delete
  2. The first dog reminds me of Miss Havisham.

    -Barb

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wrong wrong wrong...this is just wrong

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh my good. I pretty much needed to read this tonight. Also? I agree with the above commenter re: Miss Havisham.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right?! I'm very excited by that observation.

      Delete
  5. I don't think I'm hotter than my dog. He's quite the lady's man.
    I've never put Diva in a costume because I think there's a chance he would try to bite me in the face (I say "try" because his under-bite prevents him from biting anything at all). However, he does enjoy wearing sweaters in the winter. He shivers without them. Diva.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually LOL'd when I got the image of a dog with an underbite trying to bite you for dressing him up as a redneck.
      I also still love that your male dog's name is Diva.

      Delete
  6. Makes me wish I'd bought stock in the companies that make these things.

    ReplyDelete
  7. The stomach on the Redneck costume > most things in life

    ReplyDelete
  8. There should be a poo costume for dogs, because I hate them.
    www.sassy.filles.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you design a poo costume for dogs, I will post it on my blog.

      Delete
  9. This settles it: Ruby is going to be a raptor. Not for Halloween, because that is too predictable. Probably for St. Patty's day...she will be an Irish Raptor. I will paint a little sign on her that says, "Irish I were a Raptor."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Excellent! I think that sounds like a perfect plan.
      I will expect photos.

      Delete
  10. I couldn't dress my dog up if I tried...I got him a sweater for the winter a couple years ago cause he's a whimp and shivers uncontrollably at the first sight of snow. You would have thought I'd beaten him to death based on the look he gave me once I put said sweater on him...pathetic animal, really.

    He stopped shivering after that. Maybe not as dumb as I thought?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your dog sounds pretty smart. I recommend sedation.

      Delete
  11. Holy crap that Raptor costume is frigging awesome!! Don't get me wrong, I'm totally concur, there's is so much canine what the fuckery I can even think straight. But that Raptor costume is really quite something. I wonder if you can get them in human size?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wondered that exact same thing.

      Delete