Eat That Beaver!

Happy Leap Year, Motherfuckers!

I have a secret to tell you.

When I hear the term “Leap Year” it makes me think of that horrendous, mind-numbing movie with Amy Adams where she goes to Ireland to propose to her boyfriend.

This makes me feel a little bit dead inside.

The excitement of an ‘extra day’ has been shat on by a shitty rom-com, and quite frankly, I think someone needs to shed some blood for this. And not in the menstrual bleeding kind of way.

I’m also very disappointed in John Lithgow for participating in this monstrosity. He doesn't deserve any blood shed, though, because he has since redeemed himself, and I’d like to stay on good terms with him so I can cast him as the role of my father in the movie of my life.

(… I definitely didn’t intent to spend so much time talking about that movie, so let’s move on, shall we?)

Tina of Breakfast at Tina’s recently tagged me in a post asking 11 questions about myself. 

I’d hate to be a party pooper, but I have the attention span of a gold fish and those questions are fucking hard.  Thank you so much for thinking of me and I hope one day I can redeem myself for not doing what is asked of me. I did, however, read through the post and I saw that it also asked me to post 11 random things about myself. Like all other self-involved bloggers, that shit shouldn’t be too hard.  I’m breaking the rules, yet again, but I’ve said it once twice twelve times: I do what I want.

Eleven Things You Probably Don't Care to Know About Me

1) I can’t pee if the shower curtain is closed.

Every time I go into a bathroom and the shower curtain is closed, I will look behind it and/or open it before poppin’ a squat on the porcelain prince. The only exception to this is if the shower curtain is clear/see-through. Obviously. I’m not crazy.

2) I have an extreme fear of being pushed onto the subway tracks.

This may not be a ‘rare’ fear, but my reasoning is ‘irrational’. For example, sometimes I’ll walk along the subway platform while putting on lipgloss and I’ll notice a girl a few feet and think ‘that girl over there looks like a bitch. Maybe she’s a crazy bitch and didn’t like the way I put this gloss on. Maybe she’ll push me into the moving train to teach me a lesson. RUN!”

3) Every time I see a weirdly shaped/coloured thing ahead of me on the sidewalk that I can’t identify, I assume it’s a dead animal fetus.

For those of you who have been reading this for awhile, you’re familiar with the raccoon fetus incident. At that time, I hadn’t discovered the joys of contact lenses yet, and often opted for walking around semi-blind. You can imagine the amount of ‘possible fetus sightings’ was extremely high in those days, but I’ll admit that even with the contacts, a potential sighting still occurs at least once a day. Fuck you, Keith.

4) When I was camping in a trailer park in Venice, Italy, I locked myself in a stall of the communal showers.

I don’t want to get into too many details here, but I used my toothbrush to jimmy the lock. There was nothing not uncomfortable about being locked in a shower, naked in a foreign country.

5)  My bones crack like an 80 year old ex-stripper.

6) Often, as a kid, I would say things without thinking and even after everyone laughed, I still wouldn’t know where I had gone wrong. (I say “as a kid”… but this still proves true)

There is a home video of me and my family exploring a museum that featured some taxidermied animals. In the video, I turned to my mom, excited and overjoyed and said “Mommy, eat that beaver!” Little did I know that I’d be the one eating beavers. HAR HAR. A lesbian joke!

(I meant to say “pet”, in case you were wondering.)

7) In middle school, I broke my wrist trying to reenact a Backstreet Boy dance.

You know the music video where they hop over chairs and look cool as shit?  Ya. Well it turns out an awkward 13 year old does not look cool as shit doing it. Especially in the middle of their school gymnasium… when they fall on their stomach, and roll around on the ground with the wind knocked out of them. Who would have guessed?

8) I hit a girl in the collarbone with the cast from that injury.

The bitch let it slip that she had egged my (then) best friend’s house.  I may not be coordinated, but fuck with my friends and I’ll motherfucking hurt you.

9) For the first 6 years of my life, I could not pronounce the letter “R” in English, but I could pronounce it in French. I also couldn’t whistle.

According to my memory, my ability to whistle and my ability to pronounce the letter R happened on the same day. That may not be accurate, but fuck all y’all who say otherwise.

10) I will cut a bitch who shushes me.

11) I once got so drunk that I thought I went blind.

Turns out, I was staring at a pile of snow.

That is all.

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Any funny/embarrassing facts you’d like to share with me today, on this holiest of days?