February 29, 2012

Eat That Beaver!


Happy Leap Year, Motherfuckers!

I have a secret to tell you.

When I hear the term “Leap Year” it makes me think of that horrendous, mind-numbing movie with Amy Adams where she goes to Ireland to propose to her boyfriend.

This makes me feel a little bit dead inside.

The excitement of an ‘extra day’ has been shat on by a shitty rom-com, and quite frankly, I think someone needs to shed some blood for this. And not in the menstrual bleeding kind of way.

I’m also very disappointed in John Lithgow for participating in this monstrosity. He doesn't deserve any blood shed, though, because he has since redeemed himself, and I’d like to stay on good terms with him so I can cast him as the role of my father in the movie of my life.

(… I definitely didn’t intent to spend so much time talking about that movie, so let’s move on, shall we?)


Tina of Breakfast at Tina’s recently tagged me in a post asking 11 questions about myself. 
I’d hate to be a party pooper, but I have the attention span of a gold fish and those questions are fucking hard.  Thank you so much for thinking of me and I hope one day I can redeem myself for not doing what is asked of me. I did, however, read through the post and I saw that it also asked me to post 11 random things about myself. Like all other self-involved bloggers, that shit shouldn’t be too hard.  I’m breaking the rules, yet again, but I’ve said it once twice twelve times: I do what I want.

Eleven Things You Probably Don't Care to Know About Me

1) I can’t pee if the shower curtain is closed.
Every time I go into a bathroom and the shower curtain is closed, I will look behind it and/or open it before poppin’ a squat on the porcelain prince. The only exception to this is if the shower curtain is clear/see-through. Obviously. I’m not crazy.

2) I have an extreme fear of being pushed onto the subway tracks.
This may not be a ‘rare’ fear, but my reasoning is ‘irrational’. For example, sometimes I’ll walk along the subway platform while putting on lipgloss and I’ll notice a girl a few feet and think ‘that girl over there looks like a bitch. Maybe she’s a crazy bitch and didn’t like the way I put this gloss on. Maybe she’ll push me into the moving train to teach me a lesson. RUN!”

3) Every time I see a weirdly shaped/coloured thing ahead of me on the sidewalk that I can’t identify, I assume it’s a dead animal fetus.
For those of you who have been reading this for awhile, you’re familiar with the raccoon fetus incident. At that time, I hadn’t discovered the joys of contact lenses yet, and often opted for walking around semi-blind. You can imagine the amount of ‘possible fetus sightings’ was extremely high in those days, but I’ll admit that even with the contacts, a potential sighting still occurs at least once a day. Fuck you, Keith.

4) When I was camping in a trailer park in Venice, Italy, I locked myself in a stall of the communal showers.
I don’t want to get into too many details here, but I used my toothbrush to jimmy the lock. There was nothing not uncomfortable about being locked in a shower, naked in a foreign country.

5)  My bones crack like an 80 year old ex-stripper.

6) Often, as a kid, I would say things without thinking and even after everyone laughed, I still wouldn’t know where I had gone wrong. (I say “as a kid”… but this still proves true)
There is a home video of me and my family exploring a museum that featured some taxidermied animals. In the video, I turned to my mom, excited and overjoyed and said “Mommy, eat that beaver!” Little did I know that I’d be the one eating beavers. HAR HAR. A lesbian joke!
(I meant to say “pet”, in case you were wondering.)

7) In middle school, I broke my wrist trying to reenact a Backstreet Boy dance.
You know the music video where they hop over chairs and look cool as shit?  Ya. Well it turns out an awkward 13 year old does not look cool as shit doing it. Especially in the middle of their school gymnasium… when they fall on their stomach, and roll around on the ground with the wind knocked out of them. Who would have guessed?

8) I hit a girl in the collarbone with the cast from that injury.
The bitch let it slip that she had egged my (then) best friend’s house.  I may not be coordinated, but fuck with my friends and I’ll motherfucking hurt you.


9) For the first 6 years of my life, I could not pronounce the letter “R” in English, but I could pronounce it in French. I also couldn’t whistle.
According to my memory, my ability to whistle and my ability to pronounce the letter R happened on the same day. That may not be accurate, but fuck all y’all who say otherwise.

10) I will cut a bitch who shushes me.

11) I once got so drunk that I thought I went blind.
Turns out, I was staring at a pile of snow.


That is all.

*

Any funny/embarrassing facts you’d like to share with me today, on this holiest of days?

24 comments:

  1. awesome! i have already taken these extra 24hours for granted. i feel like i should have done something cooler with my life today instead of laying in bed. oh well.

    new follower : )

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    1. Quite frankly, I wish I could have spent the day in bed today! I think you made the right decision :)

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  2. Wow, that was awesome. I once got so hammered in France that I threw up in the town square fountain after belting out karaoke songs in English for the french boys....ohh..montreux...you never knew what hit ya!

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    1. You sound like my kind of woman. Karaoke and fountain puking? Win.

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  3. Awesome facts. When I first moved to Fargo I was told never to lose the keys I was given for the research lab. NEVER. Then, one morning, I took the garbage out to the ginormous dumpster and dropped the keys in there as well. I panicked. What did I do? Hopped in the dumpster to fish for my keys. I can't really explain how this happened, but somehow I couldn't get OUT of the dumpster. I kept sliding all over. It was so embarrassing. I finally saw my neighbor and yelled "HELP!" He stared at me, shook his head, and said, "You don't look like trash." To which I responded, "Oh, I'm definitely trashy." He helped me out, but we never talked after that.

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    1. Wow. Your neighbour should have been more amused and less of a douche. I'm impressed that you went for it and jumped in there. Did you find your keys??

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  4. I am terrified of caterpillars and of plastic bags over peoples' heads.
    I LOVE vodka and club sodas so much that it would almost be worth being an alcoholic just so I can drink that shit all the time.
    I got married on the hood of a car when I was seventeen.
    If I ever had a dermoid cyst, I would probably have it placed in a jar so I could put it on my coffee table (epic conversation piece, FTW). AND, I would name it "Harry".
    Now I'm feeling inspired to fill out the "about me" section on my blogolog. I was just going to paste a screen shot of my profile on okcupid, but listing random shit might be more fun :D

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    1. Do it! These random facts are most *definitely* 'about me' worthy.

      Hood of a car eh? So what you're saying is that you're one classy bitch?

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    2. I make church wives look like a giant tubs of whore, that's how classy I am.

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  5. You are not the only one who looks behind the shower curtains. I have this nagging feeling that there will be some kind of paranormal being waiting to scare the crap out of me (at least i'll be at the right place) lurking behind there or worst some creep-o who enjoys hiding and watching people pee.

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    1. AMAZING! I'm so happy to have a shower-curtain ally. I have been made fun of for this so many times in my life, but I honestly don't even realize I do it anymore... mostly. People have threatened to hide in my shower to jump out at me to 'teach me a lesson.' I think that would be a huge fail on their part because I'd never pee again.

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  6. I have no irrational fear of being pushed onto subway tracks. I do, however, have a bizarre fear of looking like I don't know where I'm going on said public transportation. Yesterday, I got off the T at a stop I was unfamiliar with and went the wrong way on the platform. I actually pretended that I meant to walk to the wall of a dead end.

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    1. Bahahaha That's wonderful. I also hate looking lost. I don't know why, though, because I'm pretty sure I look like an idiot in public on the regular...
      (This reminds me of the classic "Trip on nothing but and look back, pretending that you tripped on something" routine)

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  7. I know its a day late but I've always prefered to b special over ontime...anyway I'm completely terrified of public bathrooms...and sometimes my own...it ties into the fact that every horror movie has a bathroom scene. if its nighttime, I refuse to look in the mirror and pretty much run out. I also won't go in a stall were the door is naturally closed because obviously the bathroom resident spirit needs privacy. I also take safety measures in my truck, running the seatbelt through the door handle, so that zombies and cannibals don't get in. Mostly its for cannibals because zombies can't open doors.

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    1. HA. I'm worried that new wave zombies are going to be freaky advanced and develop dexterity... like those freaky raccoon is large urban cities.
      *shudders*

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    2. Well, this is the exact reason that I'm increasing my knowledge base. Currently I know how to drive a semi, create a telephone patch panel, build a computer from parts, and put together IKEA furniture...now I need a new career that will just put me above the rest!

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  8. HA! I still can't whistle. :(

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    1. You aren't really missing out... Except for if you need to walk away all unsuspecting and nonchalantly... but it's not 1990 anymore and I think we've all moved past the whistle a little...

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  9. Do you know many 80-year-old ex-strippers? That must be a sight!

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  10. Wow. I am so glad I found your blog and subscribed to it. You're so like me, only I think you might be slightly awesomer. Is that possible? Not sure, guess we'll just have to wait and see.

    Most important thing here- I'll slit your mothers throat in her sleep if you shush me. You go, Trinity's fake daughter, go!

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    1. Well I am equally glad you found me and followed! Maybe we can tie on the 'awesomeness' scale, so that way we can both be super awesome and bask in our equality?

      I'm so glad you'll be ready with the machete if I slack on the cutting-a-bitch business.

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  11. Well, I think you are trully amusing and I'm so proud of myself that I found your blog!
    Funny fact: when I was on summer camp I broke my finger while playing volleyball, and no one believed me. After one day someone finally took me to the hospital, but since then my pinky finger is a bit crooked.

    www.sassy.filles.blogspot.com

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    1. The people who doubted you deserve a throat punch!
      Your life must be extremely challenging. I can't even imagine going through life if my pinky was a bit crooked ;)

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