January 25, 2013

A Lot of People Google Tits and Booty.

If you’re still out there- there’s something I need to tell you.

I’m not dead. 

I also want to assure you that I’m not in a vegetative state where my fingers stopped working and my brain stopped producing funnies.  I still produce funnies. Although there’s nothing funny about being in a vegetative state, so I take that part back.

This is not going as I’d hoped.

Let’s put it this way: I’m balls-deep in life stuff.

I know you don’t want to hear my excuses, but too fucking bad. 

Here they are:

1-     I got a new job. A real job. A job that allows for very little blogging-while-working-but-I’m-not-really-working-but-don’t-tell-my-boss time.  Upside? I make more money and I get to intimidate the fuck out of people…but I’ll admit that I miss you guys. You helped me get through some pretty bleak times and writing this blog at work at home was a fantastic fucking waste of time. 
2-      I am back at school.  Yes. You heard me. School. Yours truly is back on campus, playing flip cup, beer pong and banging all the frat boys from here to Nantucket!*

*I’m not doing any of those things. Being in night school is like going to an Overeater’s Anonymous meeting in a church basement - full of greasy weirdoes and no motherfucking cookies. I’m totally up for a game of flip cup, though, guys. BRING IT. 

3-     I’m in, what some may call, a “serious” relationship.  Despite wanting to throat punch whoever coined the term ‘serious’ when it pertains to relationships, I will embrace the term because this is serious. fucking. business. Love is a whole lot of crazy, guys.  I know this blog isn’t here for me to ramble on about the perfect love of my life, but you know what? She is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, so deal with it. I’m talking about it.  I never expected to get so engulfed in someone. ever. But here I am. (Read: I’m too busy having sex and cuddling to write blog posts.)

I promise that I do still creep through your blogs to catch up and giggle. Although I haven’t completely disappeared, to those of you asking Where the FUCK have you been, Skank!? You now have your answer.  

I’m sorry that I cannot tickle your tonsils and diaphragms with my wit and charm like I used to (let me have that), however, I sincerely appreciate all of your encouragement and perversion over the course of this whole blogging experience. 

You guys are the motherfucking tits.

P.S. I also got my driver's license. After 10 years of procrastination. Watch the fuck out, world. Mama's gunna run you over.