November 15, 2011

Lettuce Forget How Much You Suck.

Today, I have beef. 

I’m not saying, “I’ve got a baggie full of ground beef in my purse right now, guys”, I’m saying “I’ve got a bone to pick, and I’m going to yell it from a motherfucking rooftop.”

Let’s pretend this blog is a rooftop, shall we?


An Open Letter to Lettuce (and Other Leafy Greens.)  

Dear Lettuce,

You make your way into my fridge, and before I can remember that I purchased you, you sit in my vegetable ‘crisper’, wilting away, generating a mysterious liquid, and plotting your absolute domination over the other, less douchey produce items in your general vicinity.  Leave the apples alone, arugula, they did nothing except be delicious.

I understand that you’re likely envious of their crunchy, juicy, delightful ability to satisfy one’s piehole, but back the fuck off. If I do pick you up, consider not leaking all over me. I know it’s a crazy idea, but maybe if you were more likeable and less like an unpotty-trained chihuahua, I’d consider picking you up and ingesting you more often.  

Why did I buy you and not let a more avid leaf-eater purchase and consume you in my place? 
The answer is simple: your enchanting green hue tricked me. It always tricks me.
I see you sitting in your mountain of well-misted glory, and think “Maybe this week, I’ll make a salad every day and bring it to work. I could totally do that. I’m going to kick ass at being healthy. I’m a health MACHINE!”  So, I pick you up, place you in a bag that will inevitably become your eternal resting place, and mosey along- purchasing other healthy, boring items on my quest for the healthy lifestyle I have been hearing so much about lately.  

Chances are, in the throes of post-grocery shopping bliss, I will make that salad. I will throw your luxuriant, green leaves into a bowl with your vegetable crisper nemeses, and ingest it like a champ. I will pat myself on the back and think “Damn, I ate the fuck out of that healthy meal. I’m the healthiest bitch in the room.” And then I’ll do a little dance, because I’m the only bitch in the room, while I fantasize about the chocolate I’ll eat later to reward myself for eating so well.

The thing is, lettuce, you just aren’t satisfying at all. While I may momentarily bathe in your healthy, leafy glow, you never truly eliminate my hunger, you never kill a craving, and you, more often than not, get stuck in my teeth, making me look like a doofus all after-fucking-noon.  Your seasonal ‘mixed greens’ resemble something I’d find in my mom’s bag’o’weeds after she’s done with her afternoon gardening, and I’ve had enough of your pretention.

So, leafy greens, for the love of god, next time we meet in the produce aisle, why don’t you just act like your weepy, droopy, poopy self, so we can avoid the awkward “Oh right…you’re in my fridge, aren’t you… I guess I should probably throw you out… WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LEAKING ON ME” moment.

Thank you,



P.S. Why can’t you be more like cheese.  Cheese is awesome. 

P.P.S. I hope you caught the brilliant 'play on words' in the title. I'm here all week, folks. 


  1. Lettuce kinda makes you wanna kale someone, eh?

    In-fucking-genious title. Kudos!

  2. LOVE THIS! My husband insists on buying lettuce for his sandwiches. I "forget" every time I go grocery shopping but the sneaky bastard got it the one time I wasn't with him at the store.

  3. Lettuce in a bag. The effect is two-fold. First, no leaking. Second, you pay 3 times as much so you don't want to let it go to waste. Also, croutons and creamy dressing really snazz that bitch right up.

  4. @ Ach du lieber - HA. A kale joke! Be still my heart.

    @ Joslin - You're a smart woman to always forget it. And if he does succeed sometimes, make sure he knows *he'll* be dealing with the leaking juice of death.

    @ Jaclyn- Those bags always get me, too! If i can use it all in one go, it's a win-win. If not- bag'o'liquid! (But mmm croutons and creamy dressing... deeeeeelish!)

  5. Cheese trumps them all. Ever since I read this I have been eyeing the lettuce with a none too pleased look on my face. It looks so weepy in there.
    This was so funny!

  6. Kale is Satan's doucherag. The only thing that would make it palatable is if you wrapped it in bacon and had Nathan Fillion handfeed you. Meh. . .

    PS: Oh, and cheese? Greatest. Food. Ever.

  7. @ Vulnavia Gura- I love the image of you giving the lettuce stink eye. Brilliant.

    @ Jen- HA! The greatest doucherag of them all! Even dipped in the almighty cheese, kale would still suck the big one.

  8. Lettuce! That's what that greenish puddle is at the bottom of my fridge....I might need a small shovel...
    The fact that it liquifies if left alone is proof that you shouldn't eat it. Why waste time chewing a liquid?

  9. Cheese IS awesome. And lettuce is great when covered in calorie laden stuff like ground beef and dressing and sour cream and yes.... cheese.

  10. @ Annah- I'm 98% sure that cheese can make almost anything taste reasonably good. Cheese and hot sauce.

  11. I just discovered you through a comment you left on Awkward Sex and the City and now I'm seriously considering forgoing the shopping trip I planned today to snuggle under my blankets and read your blog. I like your writing style and it makes me laugh. I also hate lettuce juice. Why doesn't the crisper make lettuce crisp?! Because lettuce is a douchebag, that's why.

  12. @ Jay- Thank you and glad to have you on board! And you nailed it... Lettuce is a giant douchebag.

  13. I used to think lettuce was my friend, but now I fucking hate its guts! Thanks for opening my eyes.

  14. @Marion- Ha! Suck it, lettuce!

  15. Hmm... you buy heads of lettuce and cut them up? That sounds like an inordinate amount of work for a resulting meal that will make you no less hungry.

    I buy those little bags of pre-made salads that are like three times more expensive and go bad twice as quickly. That's true efficiency.

    Speaking of salads, I recently learned that Caesar dressing is made with anchovies. World = rocked.