November 30, 2011

Dude Looks Like a Lady

This week has been abnormally busy.  And by busy, I mean douchey.

Work is testing my patience and this morning I came pretty close to hitting half a dozen people in the face with my umbrella… intentionally… because I hate the rain/snow and it turns me into a raging beast of fury.

Yesterday was no picnic either. Tuesdays are worst than Mondays, guys. They sneak in and pretend to be friendly with all of their “Cheap Tuesday!” promises, but don’t be fooled. They’re the devil, wrapped in discounts- much like Walmart… with fewer underwear faux-pas…maybe... depending on how your day goes.

People of Walmart.

All of this is to say that I’m probably not overly amusing today. I did, however, have a pretty incredible interaction the other day in the subway.

It was after midnight, I was far from home and the only other person in sight was a girl in neon tights that would put Bowie to shame.
I was minding my own business, trying not to fall asleep before the train arrived, when, from around the corner, walks a man.  He was in his late-sixties to early-seventies and he was sporting a tilley hat.

One of these...

Beneath the tilley hat, he wore large headphones, equipped with a microphone that extended a few inches away from his face. He wore cargo pants and an old, teal, zip-up jacket. He took one look at me and stopped in his tracks. We made eye contact. (Oh, the dreaded eye contact.)  He took a few steps towards me, now standing a few feet away, and muttered something under his breath.  Not wanting to instigate a conversation, I shot him a look that said ‘huh?’ and shifted my gaze in another direction.

Tilley man piped up and said: “Playing the video games, I see.”

I looked down, remembering that I had been playing some Hangman on my phone to kill time, and offered a silent nod, acknowledging his observation.

Tilley man: “Wait one second while I take this off.”

Alarmed by such a statement, I looked up, silently praying this be a nudity-free interaction. Thankfully, he reached for his hat. Whilst leaving his headphones and microphone in tact, he raised his hat above his head, and leaned down a little bit.

Tilley man: “Do I look like Mrs. Doubtfire?”

I stared blankly at him, taking a second to register the question, and trying to determine if this was a joke.  He took my silence as a cue to continue.

Tilley man: “I’m related to Mrs. Doubtfire, you know.  I was just going through my family tree…”  (He fires up his Scottish accent) “…turns out, I’m a Williams!  Also! I had family in Liverpool! That’s English!”  (His accent quickly changing from Scottish to English) “You know who was from Liverpool, don’t you? The Beatles! It’s true!”

I smiled reluctantly and said “Oh, that’s great”, attempting to sound as genuine and enthused as possible.

He placed his hat back on his head and in a tone that screamed ‘I’m pretty much famous’, he said “You’ll see me around”, as he sauntered off to a nearby bench.

… Still waiting for our next run-in.

The thing that pleases me most out of this interaction?  Out of all of the Robin William characters to choose from, he likened himself to Mrs. Doubtfire.

What a lady, she is.


  1. I feel that alcohol or drugs were involved with that guy. No matter what, he wins 10 points for the Mrs. Doubtfire reference. Good show, Mr. Williams. Good show.

    (Btw, only Quail-Man has the right to wear his underwear on the outside. Just sayin'.)


  2. NO FUCKING WAY! BEST THING EVER. OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS HAPPENED TO YOU. THIS IS KIND OF AMAZING AND I AM SLIGHTLY JEALOUS. ps i hate the tilley hat. did you know that they encourage you to register your hat? high class pseudo-aussie douchebaggery.

  3. WOW, just WOW! That belongs on

  4. SHANE- Definitely under the influence... and I want what he was having... His accents were pretty impressive. I think he earned those 10 points.

    J_BOMB- I had a feeling you'd find this most humourour. Me and Mrs. Doubtfire have a long standing history. It's about time we became friends. (And ew. Tilley hats are the master of all things douchey. They are the Douchemasters.)

    MrsHILLYG- Amen.

  5. Number one thing I never ever want to hear from anyone at the bus stop: "Wait one second while I take this off."

  6. First off, WTF are you doing on the subway after midnight?? I mean, it's none of my business, but as a loyal reader, I think I have a vested interest in keeping you safe for future blogging.

    Second. I'm in awe that I'm only three degrees of separation from Mrs. Doubtfire. That makes me a quasi-celeb. Sweet!

  7. I have an awkward confession to make. I'm the tilley hat guy. Well not him, but that awkward creeper on the subway who says inappropriate things to strangers. This morning (I was dressed for a role play at school) I sat down next to a woman, and while shoving plugs through my ears, asked her if she thought I looked straight.
    Stranger danger!

  8. JAY- HA! My thoughts exactly.

    ACH Du LIEBER- Your concern for my safety is making me warm and fuzzy inside. I try my best not to put myself into too much danger... mostly.

    MELISSA- I'm pretty sure you and I would get along very well.

  9. ^^ What Jay said.

    I've read the "Mrs. Doubtfire/Liverpool/Beatles" paragraph four times, and I'm still not entirely sure I understand what he was trying to convey to you other than, "I'm probably high as shit right now."

  10. I think I would have pissed myself laughing. However, his reasoning is sound so obviously it's true.