November 9, 2011

I say, "Potato", you say, "Let's run the world with pigeons."

I’ve hit a wall.

I keep staring at the blank screen, trying to think of something that might make you chuckle or, at the very least, huff loudly through your nostrils, but the proverbial crickets be chirpin’.  

This is all your fault.

If you weren’t so intent on being amused when you read my blog, I could just write about how much I love potatoes and that would be that. I wouldn’t need to think up clever anecdotes and new ways to say the word ‘tit’. I could just be all “Yum. POTATOES. Nom nom nom” and you would take it like a champ.  

Actually, can we take a moment to pause and appreciate the potato, folks. I mean, for serious. The possibilities are endless with those little delicious fuckers. Starchy, adaptable vegetable FTW.)

If I had an online store, I would sell T-shirts that say:

Since y’all aren’t here to read about produce, you’ve left me up shitcreek without a paddle. Nothing overly interesting has happened in my life lately.  I mean, I could tell you about last weekend and how I got so drunk I nearly picked up a cougar by accident, or about the time my landlord locked me out of my apartment and I reluctantly donated my bananas to raccoons, but those stories would probably compromise my ‘cool shit’ reputation, and we can’t have that, now, can we?

So instead, I’m going to enlighten you with a brief story that outlines why my roommate may eventually take over the world.

One quiet evening, I sat in the living room of our little apartment. The television may have been on. This is not relevant to the story. My roommate was in the kitchen, probably doing something with food and/or drink (so far, this story is going really well…), and suddenly came hurtling into the room.

Roommate: “Okay, think about this:  If you were telepathic with pigeons… like, if you were all ‘Dr. Doolittle’ with them, you could totally take over the world. With pigeons.”

Me: “What exactly would you accomplish by communicating with pigeons? Tell them where to poop, and to swoop down near people’s heads when they aren’t paying attention to scare the shit out of them*?”

Roommate: “They were used in the war!”

Me: “Well then.”

Roommate: “Think about it!”

So, if she starts acting strangely more strangely and engages in bizarre one-on-one interactions with pigeons, I’ll know to watch my back- because bitch be taking over the world, Dr. Doolittle style. 

(P.S. I still think you're crazy, roomie. And I've thought about it.)

* I’m 90% sure that pigeons exist for the sole purpose of fucking with me when I’m drinking wine in a park.


  1. Damn if they don't have uber-excellent aim, though.

  2. Seriously, pigeons exist to ruin good hairdos and clothes.

    And who doesn't love 'taters, besides my ex-roomie who was allergic to starch?

  3. @Barb the French Bean Amen! They definitely, definitely do.
    And my heart goes out to your ex-roomie. (Unless she was batshit crazy like my ex-roomie- in which case, HA HA HA SUCK IT. NO TATERS FOR YOU.)

  4. I am sure that the pigeons are up to something. Everyday I see them from my apartment window...flying together in swarm like fashion, practicing their aerobatics, swooping, fast direction changes...they go on like this all day. And there seems to be a leader amongst them... "Them pigeons....they're up to something..."

  5. @ekbewilderedThey're definitely practicing for their total world domination. Let's hope Rob Ford doesn't get wind of their capabilities.

  6. @Britt

    She was actually the best roomie you could EVAR have. On top of that, she is also allergic to gluten and lactose (which is found in cow's milk). These are not good allergies to have when you live in France. :P


  7. (Sorry for the double-posting!)

  8. @ French Bean - Well then I feel extremely sorry for her! I would die if I couldn't eat bread, cheese OR potatoes. Especially in France where you guys do it RIGHT. Mmmm .. Now I'm hungry!

  9. I love potatoes.


    That is all.

  10. might that have been a lauren moment?

  11. @ Mike- Huzzah.

    @Impfish- Yes. Definitely a Lauren moment.

  12. for the love of chocolate baby jesus, PLEASE create an online store one day so you can sell that shirt.
    (I know this is an old post and all, but POTATOES).