January 25, 2012

It's Like a Classified Ad, with More Sex and Whining

Missed Connections.

It’s my understanding that in the world of dating, the term ‘missed connection’ implies that there was an instant where things could have flourished, but you dropped the ball and you missed your chance to plant your seed (heh heh). It would appear, however, that a good portion of North Americans have a different understanding of this term.

I’m sure I’m not alone when I say that I get great joy out of perusing the Missed Connection (MC) section of Craigslist. While some might browse my internet history and think I’m desperately hoping that someone spotted me on the street and felt the need to write about me, I’ll be the first to tell you that that is true nonsense. I mostly read them because I like to bask in people’s idiocy.

If you’re unfamiliar with Missed Connections, you must live under a rock or up a mule's ass, but since you’re here, reading this today, I will enlighten you. In an ideal world, MC is an e-classified ad devoted to reaching out to strangers that the writer feels they could have had a real connection with.  In reality, MC is more like a drunk text. In other words, you probably shouldn’t write it because the person probably doesn’t want to hear what you have to say and/or it’s a booty call. 

Often times, when I’m reading through the posts, I find myself getting frustrated with the writer. I’d hate to tell you “Man in the yellow coat”, but “I saw you on the bus. You were wearing a red scarf and you were playing with your iphone.” doesn't count as a missed connection. The bitch probably didn't even know you existed. (And if she did happen to notice you, chances are she was texting her friend/boyfriend/grandmami, telling them about the creep that won’t stop staring at her.) Instead of being a little pussy and hiding behind your computer screen, grab yourself by the balls (not literally, please, you’re in public) and take a shot with the hot bitch on the bus. You have wasted my precious time, and I have better missed connections to scrutinize. Thankyouverymuch.

I know I’ve mentioned my wonderful and hilarious roommate before, but I don’t think I talk about her enough. (She might disagree with that…) I happen to know that she shares my love for Missed Connections. She may spend fewer hours per week reading these e-love stories, but she still supports my addiction. One night, she got home after polishing off some pints and admitted that sometimes she makes eye contact with people intentionally on the subway (read: stares them down), in hopes of having someone write about her on MC. In the same breath, she acknowledged that this probably comes across as crazy, but she does it, nonetheless. This, singlehandedly, is reason enough to be friends with her. Her actions are definitely missed connection worthy. I don’t know about you, but nothing makes me more eager to get to know someone than having them stare at me for 8 subway stops. That’s romance, folks.

What I’ve come to noticed in my hours of MC surfin’, is that there is a huge difference between the content of m4m (man for man), w4w (woman for woman) and m4w (man for woman). After years of perusing, I’ve decided that the categories should be renamed to this:

1)      Let’s get naked. (m4m)
2)      I’m pathetic and weeping over my ex. (w4w)
3)      I like your ass, let’s go for coffee. (m4w)

Let’s break this down a little further, shall we?

1)      Let’s get naked (m4m).

This category has the odd sentimental missed connection, but let’s be honest here folks, 85% of these ‘connections’ involve the word “naked” “gym” “shower” and “horny”.  Often times there will be pictures of penises involved, and I don’t love that, but you boys always give me a good laugh. Carry on.

2)      I’m pathetic and weeping over my ex. (w4w)

This category makes me feel a little ashamed. While there is the odd ‘real’ missed connection, these are jammed pack with tear-filled poems dedicated to lost loves. I’d hate to tell you, “S”, but it’s not a missed connection if you were at one point ‘connected.’  This is called a break up and I’m sure “J” doesn’t care if your ‘Ode to September’ haiku is packed full of your metaphorical, bleeding twat heart. Let it go. Take some pointers from the m4m and go get your fuck on. “J” is probably wrist-deep in a new emotional hoe as we speak.  (That was a little harsh. She’s probably not that emotional.)

3)      I like your ass, let’s go for coffee. (m4w)

Here is where you find the classic bus scenario that I mentioned earlier in this post. While this section is comprised with more ‘legitimate’ missed connections than the other 2 sections, it’s also filled to the brim with creepiness. Here’s the section my roommate would be mentioned in, if her subway staring contests ever materialize into an MC.  In my mind, it would read something like this: “I saw you on the subway. You had hazel eyes and straight-across bangs. You kept staring at me and I felt like I had something on my face. I think you might have tried to wink… or maybe you were just blinking slowly. You were cute, though, so holler at me if you see this.” And you know what, guys? She wouldn’t answer. Who meets people on Craigslist, anyway? That’s just creepy.


So, even though so many of the entries in Missed Connections are absurd, cheesy, skeezy or lame, (or all of the above), I just can’t help myself. I’m not going to suggest that you all start devoting time each week to bask in the absurdity of these Craigslist gems, but I will say this: Someone had better write about me ASAP, or I’ll start thinking all my hours of winking at strangers is a total waste of time. 

WINK.

24 comments:

  1. Hahahah...has anyone ever found someone through that? It's a cool concept, I've def wasted time reading them before...

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    1. Well I've found posts written about friends of mine before! One went to meet the girl...turns out she was pretty weird. Who woulda guessed??

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  2. Heeheeheehee....I admit, I peruse the missed connections for the laughs. My ex looked through my history once (not a lot of trust there I guess.....I suppose that's why he's my ex) and asked me about my "Craigslist dating." I thought it was funny. He did not. Another reason he's my ex.

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    1. HA! Glad to hear that he is an ex with that sorta paranoia. You know you have a jealousy problem if CL in your history makes you insecure. eeeesh.

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  3. I used to devote every morning bus ride to reading the LonelyHearts section of the Metro until I realised that other passengers had started giving me sympathetic looks and one old man actually touched my leg as a little something to 'get me by'...

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    1. I bet he wrote a missed connection after that tender leg embrace.

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  4. I love missed connections favorite part of craigslist ever. I also know someone who found someone through craigslists its kinda a weird story though,

    ramblingmountaingirl.blogspot.com/

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    1. No way. Now I want some details!

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  5. hhahahahaha I LOVE missed connections. I love the really dirty ones like
    http://honolulu.craigslist.org/big/mis/2817650176.html

    hahahaha

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    1. Ha. Typical!

      http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/mis/2815298040.html

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  6. I hope I don't get a massive amount of spam from this....

    http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/mis/2819232085.html

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    1. This made me so happy!
      Also. The wink was tots for you.

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  7. You are hilarious!! I didn't even know this existed, but my world is a better place now that I do. Thanks for bringing this into my life, I will be forever grateful ;-)

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    1. I am so pleased to have impacted your life. May you have an exiting and hopefully safe journey through the world of Missed Connections.

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  8. Who meets people on Craigslist? I do. But not through missed connections. I met my boyfriend of 5 months through the strictly platonic section when I was just looking for cool people to go play frisbee with. Also, I'm probably insane, because I had actually met up with at least four other boys through Craigslist before that.

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    1. Get out of here! That's awesome if the CL meeting worked out for you! I guess I'm just skeptical! :)

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  9. Hahaha... I cracked up while I was reading this. I live in St. Louis, MO, and there is a morning show on a local radio station where they actually make this into a contest. They bring in a local guy who runs a liquor store, who is in his 70s, and sounds like he's been smoking for 69 of those years, and have him read four "nominees" from the personals/missed connections section on Craig's List. They find the weirdest people, and it's hilarious to listen to the guy read them. At the end, listeners text in to vote for the "Craig's List Freak of the Week."

    Check it out if you ever need a laugh. They record the segments and put them on their website. They also have a soundboard with random clips from the segment. It's hilarious.

    http://www.1057thepoint.com/WAR-Fred/

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    1. Wicked, thanks Mike! I'll take a listen when I get a moment! That show sounds hilarious.
      I can definitely see how those ads would pack more punch when read aloud by an old, smokey voiced man.

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  10. I have a friend who used to read those (maybe he still does? I don't know, we haven't kept in very good touch) and he actually found one directed at him. He always thought he would love it but when it actually happened, he just thought it was kind of creepy lol.

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    1. Ha ha ha. Yea, I think it's definitely a bit creepy... but in the end, it's flattering... right?

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  11. People IM me with these things. I feel like MC is for stalkers: "Hey, saw you on the train wearing stuff. You looked goooood." Ew.

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    1. Ha! Oh it's *definitely* a stalker tool.

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