It's Like a Classified Ad, with More Sex and Whining

Missed Connections.

It’s my understanding that in the world of dating, the term ‘missed connection’ implies that there was an instant where things could have flourished, but you dropped the ball and you missed your chance to plant your seed (heh heh). It would appear, however, that a good portion of North Americans have a different understanding of this term.

I’m sure I’m not alone when I say that I get great joy out of perusing the Missed Connection (MC) section of Craigslist. While some might browse my internet history and think I’m desperately hoping that someone spotted me on the street and felt the need to write about me, I’ll be the first to tell you that that is true nonsense. I mostly read them because I like to bask in people’s idiocy.

If you’re unfamiliar with Missed Connections, you must live under a rock or up a mule's ass, but since you’re here, reading this today, I will enlighten you. In an ideal world, MC is an e-classified ad devoted to reaching out to strangers that the writer feels they could have had a real connection with.  In reality, MC is more like a drunk text. In other words, you probably shouldn’t write it because the person probably doesn’t want to hear what you have to say and/or it’s a booty call. 

Often times, when I’m reading through the posts, I find myself getting frustrated with the writer. I’d hate to tell you “Man in the yellow coat”, but “I saw you on the bus. You were wearing a red scarf and you were playing with your iphone.” doesn't count as a missed connection. The bitch probably didn't even know you existed. (And if she did happen to notice you, chances are she was texting her friend/boyfriend/grandmami, telling them about the creep that won’t stop staring at her.) Instead of being a little pussy and hiding behind your computer screen, grab yourself by the balls (not literally, please, you’re in public) and take a shot with the hot bitch on the bus. You have wasted my precious time, and I have better missed connections to scrutinize. Thankyouverymuch.

I know I’ve mentioned my wonderful and hilarious roommate before, but I don’t think I talk about her enough. (She might disagree with that…) I happen to know that she shares my love for Missed Connections. She may spend fewer hours per week reading these e-love stories, but she still supports my addiction. One night, she got home after polishing off some pints and admitted that sometimes she makes eye contact with people intentionally on the subway (read: stares them down), in hopes of having someone write about her on MC. In the same breath, she acknowledged that this probably comes across as crazy, but she does it, nonetheless. This, singlehandedly, is reason enough to be friends with her. Her actions are definitely missed connection worthy. I don’t know about you, but nothing makes me more eager to get to know someone than having them stare at me for 8 subway stops. That’s romance, folks.

What I’ve come to noticed in my hours of MC surfin’, is that there is a huge difference between the content of m4m (man for man), w4w (woman for woman) and m4w (man for woman). After years of perusing, I’ve decided that the categories should be renamed to this:

1)      Let’s get naked. (m4m)

2)      I’m pathetic and weeping over my ex. (w4w)

3)      I like your ass, let’s go for coffee. (m4w)

Let’s break this down a little further, shall we?

1)      Let’s get naked (m4m).

This category has the odd sentimental missed connection, but let’s be honest here folks, 85% of these ‘connections’ involve the word “naked” “gym” “shower” and “horny”.  Often times there will be pictures of penises involved, and I don’t love that, but you boys always give me a good laugh. Carry on.

2)      I’m pathetic and weeping over my ex. (w4w)

This category makes me feel a little ashamed. While there is the odd ‘real’ missed connection, these are jammed pack with tear-filled poems dedicated to lost loves. I’d hate to tell you, “S”, but it’s not a missed connection if you were at one point ‘connected.’  This is called a break up and I’m sure “J” doesn’t care if your ‘Ode to September’ haiku is packed full of your metaphorical, bleeding twat heart. Let it go. Take some pointers from the m4m and go get your fuck on. “J” is probably wrist-deep in a new emotional hoe as we speak.  (That was a little harsh. She’s probably not that emotional.)

3)      I like your ass, let’s go for coffee. (m4w)

Here is where you find the classic bus scenario that I mentioned earlier in this post. While this section is comprised with more ‘legitimate’ missed connections than the other 2 sections, it’s also filled to the brim with creepiness. Here’s the section my roommate would be mentioned in, if her subway staring contests ever materialize into an MC.  In my mind, it would read something like this: “I saw you on the subway. You had hazel eyes and straight-across bangs. You kept staring at me and I felt like I had something on my face. I think you might have tried to wink… or maybe you were just blinking slowly. You were cute, though, so holler at me if you see this.” And you know what, guys? She wouldn’t answer. Who meets people on Craigslist, anyway? That’s just creepy.

So, even though so many of the entries in Missed Connections are absurd, cheesy, skeezy or lame, (or all of the above), I just can’t help myself. I’m not going to suggest that you all start devoting time each week to bask in the absurdity of these Craigslist gems, but I will say this: Someone had better write about me ASAP, or I’ll start thinking all my hours of winking at strangers is a total waste of time. 

WINK.