January 31, 2012

10 Things That Deserve Some Fist-Bumps


There are some goddamn ridiculous things in our world that get way too much attention. The spotlight is poured all over ignorance, consumerism and general douchebaggery. Snooki has taken pride and glory away from the Almighty Pickle, and I’m not standing for it any longer.

It is time some props are paid to the lesser-appreciated things in our lives… well… in my life, anyway.


Onto the list...



10 Things That Deserve Some Fist-Bumps


1) Colouring Books and Crayons
I bet Katie did this one.

If you think you’re ‘too old’ or ‘too cool’ for colouring books and/or crayons, get the fuck out right now. (Okay, fine, you can stay… but I’m judging you.) These little delights bring so much joy to a lazy Sunday afternoon. The best part is when you trace the outline of the image by pressing harder with the crayon and then shade in the image all light and delicately. That’s the good shit right there. I’ve never been good at drawing, so these books have always provided me with a satisfaction I can only imagine real artists feel. (Well, maybe a little less satisfaction, but it’s definitely pretty close.) I recommended rooting through people’s trash and/or ‘free’ curbside giveaways to find colouring books. I found a pretty awesome My Little Pony one this summer. I’m still coming to terms with some bitch named Katie scribbling outside of the lines. Way to ruin it for all of us, Katie.

2) Potatoes


To those of you who know me, I’m sure you’re rolling your eyes right now. My love affair withpotatoes has gotten completely out of hand, and sometime in the near future you may have to hold an intervention for me- Irish Potato Famine style.  There is no time of day when I don’t want a potato. Seriously, they don’t get enough props. They’re delicious in every form… except raw (and my mother would even dispute that. She loves her some raw taters.)


3) Garlic

This naughty garlic is stripping for you.


I know people love it, and I know it makes its way into tons and tons of dishes, but still, this stinky little fucker is so delicious and deserves some sort of award. Especially when it’s paired with potatoes.  Hummus? Amazing. Aioli? Redonk. Garlic bread? Fuck my mouth that shit is heavenly.  Fuck diamonds; Garlic is a girl’s best friend.


4) Taking Off Your Socks

As a person who hates feet, googling this was extremely scarring. 

I might be alone on this one, but holy mothereffer can I take a moment to acknowledge this glorious sensation.  At 7:30am I put on my socks. While the feeling of putting on a clean pair of unstretched socks is pretty rad, when I get to peel them off when I get home 9 hours later, I feel more liberated that an escaped zoo monkey. How could anything beat this magnificent feeling, you ask? Get into clean sheets with those newly-bared feet. 
Yup. You just had an orgasm.



5) Peeing

Oh sweet merciful relief!

That’s right, Urinating - both of the public and private variety, and more specifically (but not exclusively) when you’re drunk. I’ve noticed that in daily life, there is a lot of focus on our nether regions, but more often than not it’s sexual in nature. While I can acknowledge that urine and sex are not always mutually exclusive, that’s not the kind of peeing that I think is underrated. I’m talking about that moment when you can finally pee after minutes or hours (depending on your bladder control) of holding it in. The feeling of relief is heightened if you’ve been stuck waiting in line for the troop of glitterbitches to be done powdering their snatches in the only two stalls at the bar.  After pounding back booze, nothing can beat that sweet sweet relief of letting your yellow river flow, whether in, around, or nowhere near a toilet. We’ve all had to talk our way out of being ticketed for public urination, right?



6) Velcro

Heh Heh... in macro you sort of look like pubes, old pal.

I heart you so hard, Velcro. You make it so easy to put on shoes, and you aren’t as finicky and annoying as laces or buttons. If you could be a little bit quieter, I’d totally wear exclusively Velcro-fastened clothing- specifically lingerie.


7) Burping

This man can burp.

I don’t care if it’s ‘rude’, burps are gas-filled angel songs. They make room for more food and/or drink and everyone can rejoice in an audible, impressively long belch. And, with the exception of burps that smell like someone was sucking on pepperoni (the kind of meat found on pizza, folks. Seriously, get your heads out of the gutter), I generally don’t find them even remotely gross. Mostly they’re just triumphant.

8) (Veggie) Street Meat

You complete me.


I’m pretty sure they are gifts from the heavens - especially when they are drenched in hot sauce and pickles. I’d do terrible things to get my hands on street meat after a bar. Terrible things.

9) Heart


The band, not the organ. Ann Wilson is a fucking god. End of story.

10) Bananas with Peanut Butter


This duo deserves to be the cover picture of Match.com, because fuck me if they’re aren’t the most magnificent conjunction of love and flavour. Throw in some cinnamon, and you’ve got Threesome.com*’s newest poster children.  Delish.


*I don’t know if that’s a real website, but it is probably porn. You probably shouldn’t check if you’re at work.


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Are there any things that you think are underrated/not appreciated enough in life?

24 comments:

  1. heart <3 should be freakin chuffed to have made this list. even if they do follow streat meat. oh wow. look how i spelled that. a golden typo. (or shower, if you will. ricky martin style). mmm serve me up some ricky on a bun with a dollop o' sauerkraut! mmmmMMMmmm)

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    1. I should probably have mentioned that these are in no particular order... Though street meat (or streat meat...) would have probably been high on the list.
      Oh, and I think Ricky would like that very much.

      Delete
  2. Ahhhh....taking your socks off! So true. I always say socks are prison cells for feet and when your toes get released it is magical. I think Command hanging strips are awesome. Those hooks that come in all sizes that you just stick to the wall? I've saved my apartment walls from lots of nail holes with those things. Makes my life easy.

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    1. Wait... are they those hooks where you pull the stretchy stuff from the bottom and it releases it from the walls?? I've always wanted to try them but never trusted them. They seem too good to be true.

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  3. My boyfriend told me that he likes the fact that he can burp in front of me, because I'm not some ridiculously hot girl who will slap him in the face for it. I laughed, even though it was almost an insult.

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    1. Ha. That's like a back-handed slap compliment... but I'm with him... It's good you don't take offense! Everybody burps!

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  4. As crazy and tight as it can get there is nothing like a good walk to the bathroom and letting it all out. Had a girl once to say hold ya pee especially when you know you are going to "bump uglies"

    Now there is a task and some tension for us all. The release should be a good one

    #DatIshKray

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    1. oh god. that would end in a big wet mess. and not in a good way.

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  5. Taking off your socks and getting into clean sheets is probably the most amazing G-rated feeling.
    I think mail deserves a little more love and appreciation. 98% of the time, the mail makes me sad because someone is telling me that I owe them money. However, on the rare occasion I open the mailbox and see that I have received a handwritten note of sorts, I smile like a fool to myself. Is it someone telling me I'm awesome? Does it contain money? It doesn't even matter. It's just so thrilling.

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    1. Mail! That's a good one! i hate all the shitty mail I get. Hand written notes are so marvelous. Facebook is ruining it for everyone.

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  6. My dad taught me to say words while burping, a talent I continue to hone, to this day.

    Sadly, only my daughter inherited my burp-on-command gene. Her friends loved our duets. I was not the most popular mom at the PTA meetings, however.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. BTW, Britt...Still waiting for you to claim your prize for naming my Lady Bones...

      Delete
    2. Whaaat! I thought that someone else won! Was I dreaming when someone else's name was posted? Did you second guess yourself and realize HOW AWESOME Farrah Fossil is?... that's what I thought.
      I'm going to hop on over in a minute to bask in the glory!

      P.S. BURP talking is the best. I can't do it, but I'm forever envious of those who can.

      Delete
    3. Farrah Fossil is the AWESOMEST! That's why you won!

      Delete
    4. Great badge!! Someday I'll learn how to do that fancy stuff, too.
      Thanks for the link-up!

      Delete
  7. Phil Collins. In every way, shape and form. (Except probably the fact that he's old and bald).

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    1. I'm always impressed when someone is able to sing and drum simultaneously. That shit is HARD.

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  8. how about a little letuce/peanut butter/banana sandwich?

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    1. You, missy, are impressive... HOWEVER there is not usually banana in that mix. The classic PB&Lettuce is my fav. I haven't had that in ages. This needs to change.
      Also... another good one is: Cheese, pickles, mustard and Tostito chips in a sandwich. True story.

      Delete
  9. Great list. I'm with you on potatoes. LOVE them.

    If I had to think of something to add, I'd probably say Moose Tracks ice cream. Mouth orgasm by definition.

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    1. I love a good potato allie.
      And I have never tried Moose Tracks ice cream... please provide more details.

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  10. Lady. You need a fist bump for making that list. Especially the one about taking off your socks in the evening - the greatest feeling in the world!

    /Nadia of DearOptimists.com

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    1. Consider yourself fist bumped. I was certain others would have to share my love of sock removal. That small act of glory deserves a lot more recognition, if you ask me.

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  11. I agree with all of this. Except, I do love socks. They keep me relatively safe from cat vomit.

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