October 18, 2011

Yahoo Answers: Keeping People Stupid Since 2005 (Alternate Title: Don't Kiss Strippers.)

You know how sometimes you find some weird growth on your hand or worry that one of your eyes blinks too slowly and you think to yourself “I bet the internet can help me identify this!” and you rush over to your computer and type in (what you think to be) a fool-proof description of your situation, anticipating a useful, informative, intelligent series of answers and instead you end up on Yahoo! Answers, wondering what the fuck is wrong with the world?  Yep. That was all one sentence.

While I don’t currently have any strange growths on my hands (sorry to disappoint!), I *do* have a passion for spotting ignorance on the internet. Even though it gets my blood boiling and makes me want to punch someone in the crotch, it also makes me laugh and gives me that ever-sought-after feeling of supremacy that I aim to attain on a daily basis.  Thanks, internet, you complete me.

Without further ado, I present to you this week’s Favourite Finds on Yahoo! Answers.  (I’ll include some of the ‘best answers’ according to Yahoo, but sometimes they’re just not funny. Fuck those non-funny answers. NOT ON MY BLOG, Yahoo.) 

* My comments are in blue. The questions are direct copy/paste. Don’t bitch at me for typos. 

  Q: What are the benefits of marrying an ugly man?

Yahoo Answer: Females never marry real ugly men unless the following holds true:

A. They are really fat.

B. They are really ugly.

C. They are mentally ill.

If you’re lucky, they’re all three! 
Bonus points for stinky feet and early onset female pattern baldness.

Q: What does it mean when a stripper kisses you during a lap dance?

Introducing: The Herp. A musical.


Q: How drunk can you get before peeing yourself is safer then walking to the washroom?

Oh honey, it’s called ‘crawling’. Please don’t pee yourself.

P.S. You’re not invited to my house. 

Q: How does sex between a teacher and student affect the teacher-student dynamic/relationship?


Q: What animals are best for having sex with, how should it be done, and what precautions should be taken?

Yahoo Best Answer: I like Porcupines best.

Har har har. That’s funny because it would hurt. I get it. 
*I'm going to sweep right by the 'highly disturbing' factor of this question. Bestiality is not for me, folks. Just say no.

Q: What happens if you get drunk during the day?

The possibilities are endless, young Padawan.
Expect a lot of awesome, possibly some jail time and probably some unexplained bruising.  Make Jimmy Buffet proud!

Q: What's the difference between cheap sex and expensive sex?

Expensive sex costs more. Cheap sex costs less.
Both make you a whore.

Q: After sex and eating your girlfriend out, is it safe to use mouthwash to clean out mouth?

My Favourite Yahoo Answer: NO! NO and thrice NOOOO!!!! Your head will explode in a minty vagina explosion

My. New. Best. Friend.

Q: Can a drunk handicapped person, who is operating an electric wheelchair, be charged with a DUI?

I have no witty comment to add to this. I just love it so much.




P.S. Having an internet browser open at work that reads “What animals are best for having sex with, how should it be done, and what precautions should be taken?”  is probably not the best ‘career move.’


Making my parents proud, one day at a time. 


  1. Seven words. Clear browsing history and temporary internet files.

  2. So when you say you "don't have any strange growths on my hands", is it fair to assume they are on your vagina then?

    Should have gotten that Gardasil! Too late now.

  3. @Jaclyn HA HA HA HA! Touché, Jaclyn, touché.