Yahoo Answers: Keeping People Stupid Since 2005 (Alternate Title: Don't Kiss Strippers.)

You know how sometimes you find some weird growth on your hand or worry that one of your eyes blinks too slowly and you think to yourself “I bet the internet can help me identify this!” and you rush over to your computer and type in (what you think to be) a fool-proof description of your situation, anticipating a useful, informative, intelligent series of answers and instead you end up on Yahoo! Answers, wondering what the fuck is wrong with the world?  Yep. That was all one sentence.

While I don’t currently have any strange growths on my hands (sorry to disappoint!), I *do* have a passion for spotting ignorance on the internet. Even though it gets my blood boiling and makes me want to punch someone in the crotch, it also makes me laugh and gives me that ever-sought-after feeling of supremacy that I aim to attain on a daily basis.  Thanks, internet, you complete me.

Without further ado, I present to you this week’s Favourite Finds on Yahoo! Answers.  (I’ll include some of the ‘best answers’ according to Yahoo, but sometimes they’re just not funny. Fuck those non-funny answers. NOT ON MY BLOG, Yahoo.) 

* My comments are in blue. The questions are direct copy/paste. Don’t bitch at me for typos. 

  Q: What are the benefits of marrying an ugly man?

Yahoo Answer: Females never marry real ugly men unless the following holds true:

A. They are really fat.

B. They are really ugly.

C. They are mentally ill.

If you’re lucky, they’re all three! 

Bonus points for stinky feet and early onset female pattern baldness.

Q: What does it mean when a stripper kisses you during a lap dance?

Introducing: The Herp. A musical.

 

Q: How drunk can you get before peeing yourself is safer then walking to the washroom?

Oh honey, it’s called ‘crawling’. Please don’t pee yourself.

P.S. You’re not invited to my house. 

Q: How does sex between a teacher and student affect the teacher-student dynamic/relationship?

Awwwkkkwwwaaaarrrrrd...

 

Q: What animals are best for having sex with, how should it be done, and what precautions should be taken?

Yahoo Best Answer: I like Porcupines best.

Har har har. That’s funny because it would hurt. I get it. 
*I'm going to sweep right by the 'highly disturbing' factor of this question. Bestiality is not for me, folks. Just say no.

Q: What happens if you get drunk during the day?

The possibilities are endless, young Padawan.
Expect a lot of awesome, possibly some jail time and probably some unexplained bruising.  Make Jimmy Buffet proud!

Q: What's the difference between cheap sex and expensive sex?

Expensive sex costs more. Cheap sex costs less.
Both make you a whore.

Q: After sex and eating your girlfriend out, is it safe to use mouthwash to clean out mouth?

My Favourite Yahoo Answer: NO! NO and thrice NOOOO!!!! Your head will explode in a minty vagina explosion

My. New. Best. Friend.

Q: Can a drunk handicapped person, who is operating an electric wheelchair, be charged with a DUI?

I have no witty comment to add to this. I just love it so much.

 

Fin. 

 

P.S. Having an internet browser open at work that reads “What animals are best for having sex with, how should it be done, and what precautions should be taken?”  is probably not the best ‘career move.’

 

Making my parents proud, one day at a time. 

Touch Charles

My friend and I were recently having a conversation. I would tell you what the conversation was about, but I was probably drunk can’t seem recall what could have possibly brought us to the following topic.

Sometimes we stop everything we’re doing to make plastic-surgery-faces at each other.

Coulda been that. Who knows.

Regardless, he enlightened me with a gem of a story, and possibly a very up-and-coming new game in all the school yards. Watch out, hopscotch.

He tells me, “In high school, my friends and I played a game called ‘Touch Charles.’

We often played it during lunch time.

We would squeeze Charles, pinch Charles and twist Charles.

We loved to touch Charles.”

I bet you’re wondering who the shit Charles is?  In fact, you’re likely pitying Charles because who the fuck wants to get pinched and twisted every lunch hour?  If you’re nodding and secretly wishing your name was Charles, that’s your business.

Well, my friends, rest easy, cuz I bet you didn’t guess Charles is actually the skin over my friend’s left abdominal muscle.

True story.  Soak that in.

He later turns to me and says “Damnit, now I can’t stop touching Charles.”

*

Thinking this was the most fantastically strange thing anyone’s told me in awhile, I decide to share this insane hilarious game with a friend of mine.

She laughed a little and then said “Well, I named my cleavage hair Charlotte.”

Moral of this story: I need some new fucking friends. You guys are weird.

P.S. I love you very much.