You Just Look Slutty

In keeping with my recent Halloween theme (and by ‘theme’ I mean the last post was about Halloween, and this one will be too. I use the term ‘theme’ loosely.) I’ve decided to tackle the ancient practice of Halloween costumes.

Each year, when autumn rolls around, I am all abuzz fantasizing about the endless possible Halloween costumes I could tackle. “This year is going to be the best. year. ever.” I’ll tell myself.

I’ll take out a little notepad and/or post-it and write down some costume ideas.

*It’s important to note that while smartphones have a time and place, this ain’t one of them. When it comes to Halloween costumes, that shit needs to be in INK… And then later shoved in my wallet because you never know when you’re going to be in a store and think “WAIT. That cheesecloth could totally work for a Halloween costume idea I had… WHERE are my ideas!?”

Crisis averted, my friends. They’re in your wallet.

The shitty thing about starting your idea list early is that you will always think there’s a better idea about to be birthed. You find scrunched up post-its in your wallet from months before and think “HA! What a fool! These ideas are so amateur!”  You guffaw and move on your merry way, certain that a brilliant idea is just around the corner.

Think again, motherfucker.

Suddenly, it’s the week before Halloween, all you have are scrunched up post-it’s, last year’s wig that smells like shame and a box of costume jewelry that’s looking better and better with each passing day. So you jump onto Google, type in “Unique Halloween Ideas” and you realize that there’s no such thing. And if there is, you’re not unique enough to come up with one because you suck and should just go as a giant post-it with “FAILURE” stamped across it, but no! You must push forward! You must find the perfect Halloween costume!  And Google is not going to be where you find it.

After realizing that looking for Halloween costume ideas online is about as useful as looking at Yahoo! Answers for life advice, I reached the conclusion that the costumes being sold online are just stripper/dragqueen couture that’s being rebranded for a LIMITED TIME OFFER!  On November 1^st, all orders will be rerouted to twatsforsaleifyoubuytheseskankyoutfits.com.

Despite an abundance of offensive and/or ludicrous finds, a few costumes took the cake.  Sometimes some things just shouldn’t be made sexy. Sometimes a bird is just a bird, an orange is just an orange, and Chinese takeout is just Chinese takeout.

7 Costumes That Should Not Be Sexy

 #1

“Hey, I’m Chinese Takeout.”

This costume just screams for ‘eating out’ jokes, but I’m not going to go there, guys, because I’m a *lady*.

P.S. Your fortune cookie hat sort of looks like a vagina.

#2

This is supposed to be Ursula. URSULA, guys- like, the one from the Little Mermaid.

Excuse me if I’m wrong, but the only thing sexy about that bitch was the way she sang the words “body language” and moved her hips absolutely nothing.

She couldn’t have fit this outfit over one of her tentacles.

If you need a refresher, this is Ursula.

 #3

 

This one is called the “Naughty Native.”

I don’t want to get all political and ‘human right’y on you guys, but shutthefuckup.

“Let’s segregate our Native people and then make sexy Halloween costumes and call them naughty because they don’t like staying on their reserves after curfew!”

… Shall we move on?  Yes, yes, we shall.

#4

 

Hello, Teenage Mutant Ninja Slut.

This is every 12 year old boy’s wet dream… so, I guess that’s the demographic they’re going after when they put this in their ‘sexy’ section? But honey, you’re grown up now. You can probably have your own teenage mutant child. If you’re trying to make 12 year old boys’ wet dreams come true, maybe your biggest problem isn’t your skanky Halloween getup. 

You ain’t no Michaelangelo.

 #5

 

Gene Simmons.

NO.

P.S. Is it just me, or does this still look like a man in makeup?

#6

 

The Raccoon.

I don’t think I need to reiterate my overall distain for this four-legged creature, but what I will say is that this girl has got the “I eat trash, sleep in strange, unfamiliar places and my feces is toxic” look DOWN.  Bravo!

Paws up, garbagecrotch!

#7

  

 

Department of Erections

Seriously? He can bet his sweet, orange, prison-jumpsuited ass that I’m going to swat random, heavy objects at his ‘department’ all night long. That motherfucker is going home alone.

There you have it, folks.

So, while you are putting together your Halloween costumes this year, please stray away from making childhood characters sexy, consider wearing something that doesn’t graze the bottom of your snatch, and let this be a lesson that permaboners are neither sexy, nor funny. They’re just swat-worthy. And will likely be lit on fire.

**

What are you going as for Halloween?