December 14, 2011

If You Were My Brother, I'd Let You Pee on My Tree

I’ve been stupid busy lately.

This holiday season has been everything it always promises to be: chaotic, overwhelming and fattening. And it’s only December 14th.

This weekend, I have the first of several Christmas celebrations to endure, which means the wrapping and baking extravaganza has begun. This means 2 things: 1) the floor of my bedroom has disappeared and has been replaced by bows and ribbons and flashy wrapping paper and 2) the entire apartment is covered in some weird buttery/sugary grime. Yum.

In light of the holiday spirit, I bring you:

Yahoo! Answers- The Christmas Edition

Some of you may remember this post, which outlines my passion for finding ignorance on the internet.  The items below are little treasures I stumbled on, proving that even with all of the Christmas cheer in the air, there’s still plenty of room for some straight-up stupidity.

Let’s begin, shall we?

I have to hand it to the “Best Answerer”, that’s a pretty stellar response… Despite the glaring need for a dual-intervention, these two are a match made in heaven.

I do, however, have to point out that writing into Yahoo! Answers to find out how to “stop getting drunk” probably means you’ve hit rock bottom. If you haven’t figured out that consuming alcohol gets you drunk, and not consuming it keeps you sober, then Yahoo! Answers is exactly where you should be. 

Carry on.

A strap-on.

One day she’ll understand.

Um… haven’t you ever heard of the magical program called Paint?

For you:

I took this picture all by myself. No Sues were involved.


This question raises some serious red flags.

In my mind, the asker is the one straight-laced individual left in her clan of drug-ridden hippies. She is going to visit her family at the nudist camp for the holidays and is shamed by her parents for her lack of involvement in their drugged-up lifestyle. She just wants to fit in.

… Or she’s seen one too many episodes of Intervention and is dying to get in on the action.

One of those.

Your brother sounds like a good fucking time. Why don’t you pull the stick out of your ass and pee on the tree, too? It can be a new family tradition.
Problem solved.

You’re welcome.


I… uhh…


While I think the majority of people who ask questions on Yahoo! Answers are idiots, this asker takes the cake for “Most Awesome”. I demand an invite to their house for Christmas.


I hope that you are hanging in there, folks!

Have you come up with any good tricks to deal with the chaos?


  1. I think a few of these things could be combined to equal one fantastic celebration. The others should have their right to use the internet taken away.
    Sadly I have no tricks, just a flask full and ready to go.

  2. The flask idea is really the only one that works... and if I use a tabletop tree, is there a chart to determine how large my inflatable stripper midget should be? I don't wanna be tacky.

  3. Melissa- I agree with you. There should be some sort of "stupidity breathalizer" that people need to go through before accessing the internet... but then again, without them, half of my e-entertainment would be gone.
    Flask. Noted.

    Hoodyhoo- That's an excellent question. The tree to stripper midget ratio probably needs to be regulated or things could get pretty unruly. I'll have to look into this.

  4. I haven't been on Yahoo! Answers in years... and now I see why. Maybe I should browse around like you did. You found some treasures here.

    Your response to the Christmas tree thing was something I would say. Nothing brings a family together like a community urination.

    As a side note, you've earned a new subscriber. You are huh-larious.