December 5, 2011

If It's The Thought That Counts, I'm F*cked.

I am the worst at buying gifts for people.

Every year, around this time, it dawns on me that Christmas is upon us.  Until now, I’ve managed to overlook the decorations and seasonal tunes. I’ve turned my head, and plugged my ears, but now the Big Day is 20 days away, and it’s time I opened my eyes (… and wallet, apparently.)  One thing you should know about me is that I carry a long-standing resentment towards premature celebrations of the Christmas season (aka: STOP shoving it in my fucking face when I’m still basking in my sugar-induced Halloween coma.)

While I can appreciate good holiday cheer as much as the next asshole, I don’t appreciate being reminded of all of the thing I have to buy for people who probably don’t need or want anything I’m going to buy for them.

Merry Christmas, buddy! Here’s something I found at the mall. The tag said it’s good for people of all ages, and there are a couple of really joyful asshats on the label, so I thought maybe you’d like it- but if you don’t, too bad, because I bought it at a kiosk that won’t be there when the holidays are over.
Feliz Navidad, Motherfucker.

Don’t get me wrong- I’m not a Grinch. I appreciate the beauty of the lights, and the shimmer of the tinsel. I’ll have you know that I grew up in a house that puts seasonal, holiday window displays to shame. My Halloween decorating tactics are hugely overshadowed by my mom’s passion for Christmas flare. There is always a Christmas village, there is always fake snow, and you can bet your ass all of the dumbass decorations I made when I was a kidlet will make an appearance. (WHADDUP bells made from egg cartons and pipe cleaners!) She will even wrap the paintings on the walls of the house, and yes, that does include ribbons and bows. 

This guy is the Head Honcho of my parent's Christmas Village.

I can appreciate it, I just don’t advocate it.

In terms of Christmas music, there are certain versions of songs I’m fond of (Lennon’s Happy Xmas, War is Over, for example) but, to say the very least, I could live a pretty content life if the majority of Christmas music ceased to exist. While I hear the Biebs has a pretty stellar holiday album out right now, guess who doesn’t give two fucks and an ass slap? Me, that’s who. But try as I might, there’s just no escaping it. While I shop for aforementioned gifts, I catch myself humming along- singing, even (yes I sing to myself in public.) Between the scent of peppermint, the sparkly decorations and the joyful blare of trumpets and bells, it’s too difficult to use logic when picking out a gift.

So, this weekend, I found myself in a mall, and as the urge to stab someone slowly rose, so did my desire to pick up and buy whatever the fuck was in front of me, so I could GTFO asap.  Some would argue that I did just that… but we’ll have to wait until Christmas day to see if my laziness efficiency pays off.

Happy Shopping, ladies and gents.
I recommend bringing ear plugs and a taser. 

P.S. I am 100% aware that gift cards are the way to go. Try telling that to my family.


  1. asshats! whatever you do avoid the dufferin mall like the bubonic.

  2. My favourite Christmas story is a friend who failed to do any Christmas shopping until on the way home late one Christmas Eve....all that was left open was a petrol station and so she (hands up if you thought it was going to be a male....OK that didn’t work...was that a hand ?) came home with car related joys such as windscreen scraper, de-icer etc... wrapped in newspaper....That was a cold Christmas.....

  3. I've been rockin' the "I'm so fuckin' poor" thing for 2 years now -- so nobody expects presents and I tend to get given cash!

  4. J_BOMB- The Eaton's Center is like 123018x worse... but 567x less ghetto.

    BLACKLOG- HA! That's a classic story... and something to consider if I don't get my act together soon... (p.s. I put my hand up.)

    HOODYHOO- Absolutely brilliant. All I ever want is cash.


  6. Christmas? Is that soon?
    I shop a little like BlackLOG's friend, but I find that the liquor store generally has something to please everyone on my list.
    There is a new baby in the family. A nip should be the perfect size for his tiny hand...


    MELISSA- ... Did you just say you're going to buy a nipple for a baby? I'm confused. Is this an American thing?

  8. No. I'll leave that to his mother. A nip is a mini bottle of alcohol. They're like mini bar size, or sample size.

  9. JAJAJA LOL! or should I said JOJOJO! XMAS shopping is a nightmare! and when you give gift cards from X store they just freeze by the lack of though!!!

  10. Melissa- It's really not surprising that I don't know the term for small quantities of liquor.

    SingSinatra- Exactly!