December 8, 2011

Hey Roberta, GTFO! Updated!

I have a family of animals residing in my wall.

At first, I thought there was just one. One lonely creature, clawing for attention and vying for love in this cold, cold world.

Actually, at first I thought it was a ghost… I guess I’ll start from the beginning.

Just over a month ago, a friend and I were telling each other stories of ‘hauntings’ we had either experienced first hand, or had heard about. While some may have been more of the “it happened to a friend of a friend of mine” variety, other stories carried more weight- well, one story in particular.  She told me that when she was growing up, around a certain time each night, a very distinct tapping sound would resound from her walls. She said it was always in the middle of the night, and it was always the same sound. The predictable patter was overlooked by other members of her family, but her sister has recently confirmed it’s still an ongoing presence in the house.

While I’m not particularly squeamish when it comes to ghosts/paranormal activity/old people acting crazy, I’m still a sucker for a good story. I will believe you, I will get goosebumps. I’ll say “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME” and then I’ll try to laugh it off.  Later, when I’m alone, your story will decide I didn’t enjoy it enough, and manifest itself in the form of sheer paranoia.

Suddenly, there are ghosts everywhere.

I know damn well that my fridge makes a weird gurgle sound that could give a frog a serious run for its money… and I know that there’s a train nearby that passes late at night and often makes the pictures on my wall shake ever so slightly.  But, regardless of aforementioned knowledge, after a good ghost story, my logic goes out the window and I have a million reasons to believe that a whole convent of dead nuns is after me…

While my friend’s story wasn’t necessarily hair-raising, it managed to leave me with enough residual uneasiness, that by the time I was lying in bed, my mind was thinking of fantastical scenarios where ghosts were going to use my body as a vessel for their mischievous wrongdoings. (WHADDUP run-on-sentence!)  It was, of course, at this point when a strange noise started resounding from within my walls.  It was subtle, and unidentifiable- just a faint tapping, one might say.  I would be lying if I said I shrugged it off and slept soundly, but eventually I did manage to slip into slumber.

In the following days, the tapping persisted. It wasn’t occurring at any sort of predictable interval, as my friend’s ghost had, but it was constant enough that it must have possessed a strong desire to remind me of its presence and taunt me accordingly. Thank you, Sir Fuckswithme, I didn’t need a full night’s rest anyway.

A few weeks ago, shit got real.

It was early on a Saturday morning, which means my head was pounding, and the impending urge to throw up the booze-soaked contents of my stomach was rising, when the sound of scratching started emitting from the wall right above my head. Jesus himself could have walked into my room at that point, and I’m not sure which would have had me more terrified.

The reality of the situation set in. I didn’t have a ghost; I had an animal- something with death claws and a thirsty for blood. The scratching continued for several minutes. I swung my maybe-still-drunk limb at the wall, causing a great thump. The animal scattered.  This process was repeated…and repeated… until finally there was silence and I fell back into my hangover comatose.

Since that morning, I’ve thankfully been reassured that this is not my imagination. Others have bared witness to the atrociousness exuding from my wall and a decision was made that my new, noisy neighbour is a squirrel. Probably. Maybe… I named her Roberta.

Roberta has been a faithful pain in the ass. She has consistently made her presence known at inconvenient times, and seems to find great pleasure in ensuring my hangover days are full of rage and distress. From the sounds of it, she’s clumsy, hyper and has grown indifferent to my wall smacking. The bitch thinks she’s outwitted me; she’s starting to act a little like Keith. (Come to think of it, they are probably part of some sort of fucked up A-Team- Wildlife Edition… and their mission is to fuck with me.)

This Saturday, I arrived home from the gym and plopped down on my bed, relieved by the promise of a movement-free hour.  Suddenly, from the wall came an unfamiliar sound. The habitual scratching had subsided and in its place was a strange cooing noise, accompanied by something scattering, and something shifting. Holy fucking mother of moses, Roberta is not alone. And Roberta may be a bird.  Quite frankly, I’m back to thinking Roberta is just a bloodthirsty, soul sucking chupacabra… we just can’t be sure.

So, I made the dreaded call to my infuriating landlord, Ballwant (Endearingly referred to as Ballsdeep- thank you, Tina.)   His lack of concern had me fuming at the ears. After reassuring him that I am not a crazy bitch, and this has, in fact, been going on long enough to warrant a shred of worry, he assured me he would call one of his goons to come and check it out… “Maybe… If there isn’t rain… or snow…”

… Your day is coming, Roberta & co, I suggest taking my notice of eviction seriously… or your happy days of wall residency is going to come to a tragic end.  Pass the word along to Keith.


Update: Ballsdeep called in his crew of muscle men/one lowly man to come take away my unwelcomed guests. While I was not home during their visit, they did leave a receipt behind. 

On the receipt it says: "Removal of squirrels."

The plural confirms that Roberta was not alone. I wish her and her vagrants well in their future endeavours of fuckery.

P.S. I think I saw her on my tree this morning. She was looking at me with a look that could only say "I can't wait to eat your face one day."

She's such a little bitch.


  1. you have used my photo without permission and have altered it as well??? Please..don't do this. Not acceptable. Remove it

  2. hey anonymous, assuming you're legit... why stay incognito when your squirrel is at stake! It's the Internet, demonic squirrels are an inevitable part of life. You should be honoured.

  3. My apologies sue! My blackberry isn't allowing me to edit the post, but ill take it down. The readers will just have to use their imaginations when picturing a demonic squirrel!

  4. What?!!!??! Sue!? Susan's are everywhere man. This is so creepy. It's a ghost story in and of itself. How did sue know?! OH GAWD! I'm tripping out.

  5. Anon #2- I *heart* you so hard.

    Susan fan 4 lyfe- I know, right? I pretty much peed my pants.

  6. I share my kitchen with a herd of mice. They eat my dog's food. They live with me because there is a wall missing behind the oven and they feel they can come and go as they please. When you get rid of Roberta, will you send her down here to eat the herd?

  7. Melissa- Sounds like a pretty good deal to me. They wake up when my alarm goes off in the morning. It's becoming too co-habitaty. (Yes, that's a word.) Roberta is all yours.

  8. Seriously Sue, I want to tell you to get a life, are you really tripin' over b-money using your picture of a demonic squirrel?!?! I don't know which part of that is more hilarious..but if I was you I would worry about the aforementioned demonic squirrel because it probably also possesses some homing nature nurture do what i have to to survive and protect my family karate paper swan rabies bite, Roberta is coming for you, instead of the flu shot you should have got the stick removed...or at least updated your tetnis!

  9. Anon #3- BEST. COMMENT. EVER.

    Now THAT deserves a slow clap.

  10. My friend has a theory about the proliferation of psychotic squirrels. She believes they are being genetically engineered in a lab by MArk Zuckerberg so that we'll fear the outdoors and dpend more time inside on Facebook. I think she's on to something.

  11. Jen- Oh my god. You shouldn't tell me things like that... my brain is going to kick into HIGH ZUCKERNOIA MODE and there's no telling when it will subside.

    I bet Roberta and Mark have their own little squirrely devil babies. He tots looks like the type to be 'into' that.

  12. Heh... I do that too. I'll read a scary book or watch a scary movie with someone, then my mind will start racing when I'm alone. Had something started knocking on my wall after that, I probably would have shat myself.