December 28, 2011

There's Nothing Sexual About Hungry Hippos (or Justin Bieber)

Holy gluttony, batman.

The only real way I can justify my recent absenteeism is by explaining the quantity of food I have consumed over the past five days. I may as well have strapped a feeding bag to my face and called it a weekend.
I noticed an ongoing theme when it came to eating this holiday season. Never have I ever been encouraged to eat things quite so ...forcibly.  While I was  eating the odd sweet here and there, in moderation they might say, I came to learn (pretty quickly) that when it came to being offered goodies and treats, no one wanted to take no for an answer. “It’s Christmas!” would often be the dessert-pusher’s argument of choice.  It’s challenging to dispute this, as their point is both accurate and seasonably poignant.  More often than not, I found myself taking a second look at the tray of treats, then back at the tray holder, and ultimately my hand would make the reach to grab yet another buttery treat of delicious delight.

The worst thing is when you finally do give in, and you bite down on what you thought was chocolatey fudgey somethingdelishandmelty and it ends up being made with raisins, or dates, or minced meat. Who the fuck invited Mrs. Dingleblat to the party with her bowel-friendly treats for diabetics? They’re the worst.  My entire justification for having consumed something fatty has been flushed down the toilet… so to speak.

I made these candy cane red velvet cake balls... They're everything I look for in a dessert: chocolate and possible heart failure.

While I have done several non-eating related activities over the past few days, most of them involved a pre or post drink and/or meal. And the problem with overeating is that it stretches out your stomach and your appetite gets enormous. The constant chain of consumables over a five day stretch has left me hungrier than a dishonest kid’s hippo in a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos when the kid keeps tilting the board so all the marbles go in his hippo’s mouth. That’s how hungry I have been… Except for food, not marbles. Those things hurt my teeth.  That’s probably not the best analogy to have chosen… but I’m leaving it there because I love that game and it doesn’t get referenced enough.

On Christmas night I got so drunk on wine that I enthusiastically participated in a caroling session that Santa Claus himself would have chortled at.  You know it’s time to lay off the vino when you start adlibbing between verses and throwing in the Christina Aguilera/Mariah Carey oooOoooOooooos.
I can feel the Christmas album in my near future. Look out JBiebs, I’m about to deck yer halls. (Nothing sexual, guys. That’s just not cool.)

I think that’s a wrap for me.

Oh ho ho… see what I did there?  Christmas puns never get old.

Okay, they might get a little old. Let’s change the subject.

Did anybody get anything hilarious and/or amazing for the holidays?  


  1. *** I'm very sorry to all of you lovely commenters.

    I've been trying out a new commenting system and decided it's a piece of shit and decided to delete it. All of the recent comments have been deleted. It's pretty much a pile of steaming poop.

  2. Oh, and to Mike... My balls would also like to be in your mouth. So... the feeling is mutual.