September 13, 2011

There Are No Strippers Here.

I’m new to blogging.  You’ve likely figured that out if you looked at my archives and thought “What the fuck? Bitch only has 15 posts?!” 

First of all, screw you!

That was rude and uncalled for. I apologize. What I meant to say was: It’s a lot of fun, but I have lots to learn.

I ended up at blogspot because … well, I can’t quite remember. I was probably trolling the internet drunk one night and thought “The world needs to know how good this nacho cheese is and I can totally adequately describe it. People need to know about this. IF ONLY I HAD A BLOG!” And thanks to the trusty internet, POOF! A blog was born.
*If you’ve now left to find the entry about nacho cheese, you’re going to be pretty disappointed when you don’t find it. That gem is only in my brain (and stomach) and it’s pretty fucking delicious. Maybe one day, buddy.

Since I’m slowly getting the hang of this shit, I decided “Hey! Maybe I’ll spruce up my page a bit! It can’t be that complicated…”  Blogger has these nifty “Gadgets” that you can add to your blog to keep people in your personal loop. They give your potential readers a feel for what your blog is ‘all about.’  You can imagine my disappointment when I couldn’t find the “It’s SLAPo’clock!” button, or “Find the nearest bar in your current area” tool.  It’s like they don’t even know me.

Instead, I located some asshat ‘gadgets’ that leave me both perplexed, and filled with a desire to drop some kicks.  Let’s begin.

1) “Pictures of Lighthouses”

No offense, lighthouselovers, but what the bloody fuck. Is there enough of a market for this? How many readers are thinking “Damn, I sure wish this post had some lighthouse pictures beside it! That would have enriched the experience!”  The answer is none. Nobody thinks that. Eff you, lighthouses.

2) Jessica Alba Pictures 

Seriously? You won’t tell me where the local bar is, but you’ll post pervy pictures of Alba on my sidebar to keep my readers… Happy? Enthused? Suicidal?  Personally, if I stumble on a blog with “Daily Random Images” of that hussy, I’d stop reading. 
That’s it. Nothing violent, people. I’m not completely irrational (usually.)

3) Chat Flirten?

I’m not sure what this is, but “iLove ist die grosse Singleborse” looks to me like it’s telling me if I don’t find love, I’ll die gross and single. So fuck you Chat Flirten!  Your girls look like whores.

4) Virtual Stripper.

The idea immediately excited me!  Finally a gadget that might be a fit. I could have a girl dance for my readers? Deal!  Then I read the description.  “She’ll not show you anything ;) - meaning the dancing is family safe.”  Uh, so she’s not a stripper?  And she’ll dance for families? What the fuck. Portal Romanesc, you’ve managed to ruin strippers.

5) The Broken Heart Guide

Because nothing mends a broken heart like daily tips from a blog gadget.
Thank god I didn’t jump off the bridge! Itakeoffthemask really gets me.  



Maybe one day I will convince blogger to make me a ‘click here to get a drink delivered to your house in 30 mins or less’ gadget.  Then maybe I’ll forgive Chat Flirten for calling me a gross single bore. Maybe.


  1. Is it just Jessica Alba that incites this kind of rage in you? Because I'd sure as hell like to add to the list of "daily random images" that I would not appreciate seeing. ANNE HATHAWAY, first and foremost. Then Katy Perry. Cameron Diaz. Gwyneth Paltrow. I could go on.

    In addition to a drink delivery gadget, maybe they could also do a rob a bank gadget. Something that stealthily lets you siphon off money from online accounts or something! Your readers could all get rich. And then maybe they'd have the time and money to go see all those amazing lighthouses in person...

  2. @agoraphobicheifers If they had had a Anne Hathaway gadget, this entire fucking post would have been an homage for my disdain for her. But I'm with you on those other bitches, too.

    ... Fucking lighthouses.

  3. I'm highly insulted about the lighthouse thing. You shamed me into taking it off my blog. Who doesn't like fucking lighthouses? Dicks. That's who :)

  4. @Jaclyn Lighthouses are pretty phallic, now that I think about it. So I'm guessing dicks are pretty fond of them... or envious of their giant stature. One of those.