September 9, 2011

Shut Your Face, Princess.

Ever notice how people talking loudly in a group when you’re alone is just about the most annoying thing since crying plane babies? Ever find yourself gripping your seat to avoid throwing slapbombs and yelling irrational, crude insults that warrant serious suspicion of Tourettes? Ya, me too.

Recently, while riding along on a particularly empty subway car, I sat perched across from a group of 4 to 5 ‘young adults’.  (This is a term I use loosely, since I can’t tell the difference between 16 year olds and 24 year olds anymore. Thanks, hormone-infused-food, you make me pervy even when it feels like it should be legal.) These punks were loud, laughing and having a jolly fucking time and were, therefore, extremely irritating. Everything that came out of their chirpy mouths felt punch-worthy.

What’s that? Your super-new sparkly jacked up phone has all the cool shit your friends are envious of?  Congratulations, asshole.
Your new haircut is tots not what you wanted? OMFG!  How will you go on!?
Your friend’s boyfriend’s cat’s lover’s owner’s cousin is having a party and didn’t invite you? NO FLIPPING WAY. Let’s go burn down his house.

Here’s an idea: instead of talking, you should consider shutting your stupid face.

P.S. I am totally one of those annoying twenty-something bitches, except everything I say is a gift. You’re welcome, world.


  1. LOOOLLLL!!!! :D post of the morning.


  2. I took a couple of my nephews (ages 11, 13 and 15) to a baseball game and we were taking the late train home- the DRUNK train. And there were whores having loud, drunken conversations about sex and my nephews just kept giggling "did you hear her? She just said blow job!". I was like... yeah, I get it, you think it's sexy to be unclassy on a train and talk about bjs but shut the fuck up whore!

  3. I especially hate when you're with some friends, and some stupid bitchwhore who is more like an acquaintance that invited herself out with you decides to be the dumbass attracting all the dirty looks because she's talking at maximum volume about her latest sex-capade. Or something equally inappropriate. Those idiots are annoying. And I refuse to be friends with people who bring me down like that.

  4. @agoraphobicheifers Amen. My favorite is when you invite someone along who you haven't really gone out with, only to find out they are THAT person. My advice: Fill them with vodka, spin them around 3 times and run like fuck.

  5. @Jaclyn I'm not sure what's worse, the drunk whores, or your aunt-judgment to bring a bunch of pre-teens on the skankwagon ;)

  6. LOL! I hate teenagers. I hope to God I wasn't like that when I was their age.

    I had a similar experience a while back.

  7. OMG, this post mirrors the cries of my soul... I can't stand it when people are so self-important that they are immune to the concept of volume control. My job has me within close proximity of a health care clinic waiting room, and I don't know what's worse: teeny bobbing flappy mouthed kids, or their MOTHERS. Holy shit. Those latte-riddled, usually freshly divorced, Forever 21 shopping assholes make me want to punch kittens. In the face. And that's horrible, because kittens are awesome and made of sweety-pie cotton candy.