September 24, 2011

It's Sexier in the Dark

I caught a cold.

I’ll let that soak in for a second so you can get all sympathetic and shit. Yea, it sucks to be me. I am leaking from my face a lot. Sometimes I cough.

Deathly syndromes aside, I have a profound aversion to sitting at home and doing nothing on a Friday night. I wasn’t looking to go to a club, I just didn’t want to sit at home on my sorry ass, surrounded by Mount Snot-Tissues, crying at an infomercial, trying to taste the half-melted popsicle I found at the back of my freezer.  So I decided to do what lots of regular folk do on a Friday night: go to the movies. (I hear your gasps. Oh the tameness! What a yawnfest! Is she *that* girl?)  I beg your pardon, but if you recall, I’m sick.  See above for details of my suffering.

So, to the movies I went. But, if you’re anything like me, a movie isn’t a movie without a little booze.  Why would I want to sit still for 2 hours on a Friday night if it doesn’t involve a drink in my hand? Exactly.  You can’t think of a reason either. So, for those of you who do this often, or pretend you don’t but we all know where you go on Tuesday afternoons, this is a list you can show your friends who judge you or think you have “a problem.” And, to the rest of you drunk-at-the-movies virgins, please find below the reasons you should start adding flask’o’ hooch to your purse/fanny pack before heading over to the ol’ cinema.

Reasons to drink in a movie theater

  •  It makes the softdrinks taste a lot better.
  • If you bring your own flask, paying $6 for a coke doesn’t seem like such a rip off when you drink its boozy glory.
  • No one around you knows you’re drinking. So it’s like having your very own secret members-only club. In your mouth.
  • It makes even semi-unattractive actors attractive. Rawr.
  • Booze is great with popcorn.
  • If there’s a bearable good soundtrack, you’ll really appreciate it. (Sing a little? Dance maybe?)
  • When the movie is over and most all of the people have left, you have your very own stage to strip dance on.

In conclusion, drink in movie theaters, folks.  Just maybe not if you’re with your kids. Actually, scratch that. Have you seen some of these new children’s movies they’re coming out with? Fuck if I wouldn’t need to be wasted to sit through that shit.  Drink up.



Can you think of any more reasons to drink in a movie theater?  


  1. Let's get innapropriately wasted at a kids movie next week.

  2. members-only club in your mouth? I'm pretty sure booze is always involved when miscellaneous members are in your mouth. Members. Mouth. Blowjobs. Heh.

  3. If the movie turns out to be totally boring, you can just drain that flask and pass out. Then you won't have to suffer through the ridiculousness of Katherine Heigel or Anne Hathaway in some super sappy, unrealistic, sexist, and probably a little racist romantic comedy. I would much rather black out than watch those dumb bitches on the big screen. True story.

    I feel like every time I talk to you, I find a way to express my intense hatred for Anne Hathaway...I apologize for that.

  4. @agoraphobicheifers Never apologize for expressing intense hatred for Anne Hathaway. If anything, you should be apologizing for not expressing it further.

    Also: Heigel. Barf.

  5. I went to the movies the other day, and they were charging $7 for popcorn. I swear, for that price, the kernels better be dusted with cocaine.