September 30, 2011

Daytime Television: What a Shitshow.

On Monday, I was lucky enough to have a wisdom tooth pulled out of my face. It hurt like a bitch and for a solid six minutes I thought about taking the dentist’s scraping utensil and stabbing it through his jugular… but I resisted. I figured jail time with a cut-open mouth would probably be pretty shitty. Plus I had just acquired a brand new hole in my mouth, and I wasn’t ready to be *that* popular behind bars.

I was just recovering from being sick, and while I can definitely appreciate doing absolutely nothing as much as the next guy, it starts to get extremely boring after awhile. Especially since my pain killers were labeled with all of these “don’t consume alcohol” warnings. What a downer. 

I can only paint/re-paint my nails so many times, and after reading 123128 blog entries of all you hilarious bitches, stalking every person I know on Facebook and reorganizing my wallet, I decided to turn to daytime television for entertainment.  Thankfully my roommate was home to experience this with me; otherwise I would have blamed the pain meds and assumed I was living some sort of vivid, lucid dream. Or I would have blamed the vodka. One of those.

I’m not going to touch Soaps with a ten foot pole. Those shows are fucked and the incestfest they celebrate makes me want to throw my bloody gauze at the television. Moving along...

While flipping through channels, I landed on Dr. Oz.  Usually, if this happens, I’m quick to continue flipping, but on this glorious afternoon I was fortunate enough to catch the topic of the day: What’s The Real Age of Your Vagina and Penis?


Unfamiliar with the general layout of Dr. Oz’s bullshit segments, I was pretty blown away by the elaborate set that had been designed to demonstrate a vagina. And I was even more blown away by how much my vagina did not even come CLOSE to resembling what I was witnessing.  Fortunately for you, I was able to get some screen captures of this shit to share with you.

Dr. Oz’s: How to Confuse People about How Vaginas Look/Work
*I'm pretty sure if you click these images, you can see them full-sized.


If I met someone with a pelvic floor like a hammock, I’d be sad for them, and simultaneously try to swing on it.  I love a good hammock. Don’t tell me I can’t.

‘Scuse me ma’am, your vagina is on that lady beside you.
To demonstrate how the pelvic wall stretches, Dr. Oz had three women lie on the hammock. Now, I’m no doctor, but if you have three women on your pelvic wall, it doesn’t matter how old your vagina is, you’re probably just a slut.

We can call this “Kiddie-Style”

Here we have the vaginal wall demonstration. This leaves me both confused and angry. If vaginas are like slides, they left that shit out of health class.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Vaginas are so much fun!

More importantly, if having sex is like sliding down a slide, I’ve been doing it wrong (most of the time.)
HOORAY! The first in my marriage!

Let me get this straight. This guy slides down the vagina slide and she starts flailing the orgasm sign around like an asshole. Pardon me, but that’s not. how. things. work.  Just look at that sense of accomplishment on his face.  “Thanks, Doc, you really took a load off.”
Har. Har. Har.

Dr. Oz is so supportive.  Unlike your loose pelvic floor. AM I RIGHT, Girls!?

But it can’t be all fun and games, now can it?  Dr. Oz has to come and rain on your motherfucking parade.  That, my friends, is the look of sheer terror one experiences when they learn that their 42 year old cooch is actually…

*drum roll please*

For shame.

73. That’s right. Seventy-fucking-three.  Let’s not forget to mention that Sir Slidesalot’s sergeant is a whopping 79 years old. That’s some elderly junk right there.  And given all of the other medically accurate information we have witnessed thus far, these numbers MUST come from scientifically sound analysis. 

The moral of this story is: don’t let 3 chicks swing on your pelvic wall hammock, vaginas are like slides and Dr. Oz is a douchecanoe.

And when you’re asked what you yell out during orgasms, always be sure to answer: 


  1. i love too many things about this post to be socially accepted by my peers.

    (cuz girl got meat, yo.)

  2. I want vaginal wall slide.

  3. @Ivan You got that right, Ivan. A shit-ton of it.

  4. excellent !! This cracked me up!!! I cannot stand Dr. Oz - he treats his views like imbeciles. Thanks for this laugh !

  5. This entire post should be tagged under my 'holy fuck' category. The fuckery ensuing here is legion.


  6. @Linda @ Lemon Drop Absolutely any time! :)

    @Charity Woosley I always appreciate the use of the word "fuckery" and "legion". You know just what to say.