April 3, 2012

Get Out of My House! (Oh F*ck, You Live Here, Too)


They’re in your home, they get into your shit, they leave a mess, and they bring you shame. 

Ah yes, roommates.

At one point or another, most of us have found ourselves living in close quarters with a stranger, acquaintance, close friend and/or significant other. For the sake of this post, I’m going to skip over ‘significant others’ all together, because that’s a totally different category of ‘communal living’ and I don’t have the time or energy to delve into that shitstorm of emotional carnage.

(Dear current roomie, I’d like to assure you that this post is not even at all about you.  For those of you unfamiliar with her, you can read this, this or this. Huzzah.)

Where were we?  Oh right, the phenomenon of cohabitation.

Over the years, I’ve had my share of roommates, which inevitably means I’ve had my fair share of ‘interesting’ living conditions.  Why yes, that does mean I spent the better part of 6 months locked in my room, praying not to get stabbed in the face. How did you know?  

As much fun as that was, let’s move right along…

I’ve noticed that living with roommates as a ‘young professional’ is quite different than it was when I was a student.  As a student, I was constantly seeking distractions, eating my weight in late-night snacks and guzzling energy drinks like I imagine Paula Deen guzzles butter.   As a young professional, I drink a lot fewer energy drinks.

I don’t mean to brag about all of my personal growth.

Despite the leaps and bounds I’ve clearly made towards growing into a fully functioning adult, it’s important to note that I still have some pretty big set backs.  Needless to say, living in an enclosed environment with another individual will inevitably bring out some of your pre-existing personal ‘issues’, but it will also help develop some new ones! For example, you may not know it yet, but you might really hate the smell of garlic in your bathroom the morning after your roommate decided to try a new ‘acne fighting remedy’ she learned about at the bar the night before.  Or perhaps you will learn that there is no fouler smell in the world than rotting ‘mixed bean’ salad. The exciting options are endless, really.

While they say you can’t teach old dogs new tricks, I assure you that you can teach people new pet peeves until the day they die.  Keeping with this ‘old dog’ idea, let’s talk about how roommates are sort of like pets.

1)      They shed. 

I am hugely guilty of this, in case you failed to pay attention, I’ve got a shit-ton of curly hair and it makes a habit of forming little spider-like balls that nestle in a corner until they have decided you’re bored and want to scare the fuck out of you.  You’re welcome, roomies! But I’m not alone. You wouldn’t believe how much foreign, long hair I find on my clothes on the regular. It’s alarming at times, but mostly I’ve been trying to figure out a way to capitalize on it. Human hair scarves, anyone?

2)      If you leave food out, they’ll eat it. 

This may not apply to every roommate, but it definitely applies if your roommate is a stoner and/or alcoholic. Personally, when I’m wasted, I feel like I could eat the world, and on some occasions I think I’ve come pretty fucking close…   
You may also wake up in the morning to find food all over the kitchen floor, in a puddle, with the fridge door wide open. But guess what? They also left the front door wide open, so in comparison, what’s a little rotting food?

3)      You might find them sleeping in your bed.  

Again, this probably only applies if your roommate has a heavy drinking problem, but who doesn’t these days? Additionally, you may be fortunate enough to come home to them passed out topless, wrapped up in your sheets like a skanky burrito. Keep your fingers crossed you came home before it turned into a Urine Fiesta on your new duvet.


If you’re really lucky, you may also have to:
- Clean up their puke.
- Stop them from humping guests.
- Strip them down, stand them in the shower and hose them down with hot water to keep them from getting hypothermia after faceplanting in the snow.

I guess I’m just a pretty fucking lucky person.


When it comes down to it, roommates can be a fucking blast, or a motherfucking nightmare, and it’s impossible to know how the cookie will crumble until you’re in the throes of a hot oil fight, holding scissors to their face and threatening to call their parents to rat them out for their growing drug dependency. 


Either way, cheaper rent!


42 comments:

  1. Having been married I can safely say that I will NEVER cohabitate again. A man in my life? Fine. A man in my house? Oh, HELL to the no!

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    1. That's why they pay you the big bucks! Beauty AND brains!

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  2. I am just here to thank you for the hilariousness that is "wrapped up in your sheets like a skanky burrito".

    That is all.

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  3. I hated living with roomies...OMG HATED IT! I used to go out to the bars and when my roommate showed up one time, she was totally wearing my clothes. I coudn't fucking believe it. Then my other room mate would hump her boyfriends in the hall closet and leave their used protection in there. Really...with my sheets and towels you are going to hump in here! Or when they sit on the couch and wait for you to get home, in the dark. Hell NO

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    1. Dear lord.
      I've never understood the whole 'borrowing clothes because my roommate is, like, totally practically me, so it's totally cool and awesome if I wear her clothes' mentality... Fuck that shit.
      And the hall closet sex thing? I was thinking "Well, I guess at least they're being creative" until you said they left their used protection behind. That's just disgusting and you should probably have poked holes in their condoms to teach them a lesson. Or something.

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  4. Roomates drive me nuts.. I'm amazed at how many times I have to remind them to put on clothing when I have company over, or encourage them to wipe after pooping, or that "animals are living things and don't appraciate it when you put them down your pants". They also don't pitch in for rent. And they drink all my milk. And they destroyed my chance of a prosperous future. Oh wait, those are my kids. I've never had room mates.

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    1. Hahaha. Oh god. Having never had kids/lived with kids, I can't even IMAGINE the kind of shit you put up with.
      ... I think if I ever had to tell a roommate not to put my pet down their pants, I'd a) have a much more interesting blog and b) definitely be living alone.

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  5. Gaah, I had a roommate who felt the need to change his contacts on my desk, thus leaving the saline solution all over my desk and drying into something that was white and crusty. Needless to say, I was horrified before I found out that it was just saline solution.

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    1. Why on earth... did your roommate not have anywhere else to do such a task?
      ... and are you suuuuuuure he wore contacts? ;)

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  6. I once lived with my two best friends. They are still my two best friends, so being roommates didn't ruin us, thank god, but it came close. Roommate 1 was so freakishly clean and anal about everything that she alphabetized our soup cans and folded plastic grocery bags. Roommate 2 was on the opposite end of the spectrum. Her "closet" was anywhere in the house and I'm not sure if she ever washed a dish. I was somewhere in the middle, but instead of being a mediator I was a bitch who antagonized both of them. I'm so happy I live by myself now.

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    1. You're very lucky to still be friends with them! I've had a couple roommateships that have survived, but a couple that certainly did not (read: the one where I thought she was going to stab me in the face).

      The whole messy/clean thing is most definitely one of the biggest causes of shitdisturbing. Uggggh.

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  7. I had a roommate that used to steal my underwear. I'm talking about running out of her own and going into MY room in MY closet in MY drawers and helping herself to my underwear. I had to put a lock on my door.

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    1. You must have had some pretty nice undies, lady ;)

      Seriously, though, a lock is the first step... a baseball bat to the groin is the second.

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  8. Lol I had all kinds of crazy roommates over the years. In the end, their good outweighed their bad. But there were definitely times I wanted to kill each and every single one of them. I thought my husband would be a bad roommate, but I guess the whole love thing makes me more immune to his bad house habits.

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    1. Oh yes... this 'love' thing is supposed to help...;)

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  9. This is one giant LOL. I can totally sympathize with the spider hairballs. I've had some obnoxious roomies, some moochy ones and one that was pure heaven. Now I live alone a/k/a Best.Roomate.Ever.

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    1. I used to live alone before moving to Toronto... the rent is INSANE here, but I was fortunate enough to have an old friend looking for a roommate... and even MORE fortunate that we can live together conflict-free!

      More importantly, I'm really happy to have some sympathy with the whole spider hairball thing. <3

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  10. this post was the slapintheface i needed. good god i almost applied to a vegan-theme-house-co-op with seven roomies who host pot-lucks every week with 20-30 people and couch surfers...

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    1. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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  11. Both of my former roommates hated me, and I am not even ashamed to admit it. My first roommate and I had exactly two conversations throughout the nine months we lived together. The first was about this creepy guy who kept asking me out. The second was about goldfish crackers. Good times.

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    1. I'm proud of you for embracing their hatred towards you.
      Also, goldfish crackers are the fucking shiz.

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  12. I once had a roommate (also best friend, but that still doesn't make it acceptable) crawl into bed with me when she was drunk (which was a regular occurance anyway), and then start to snuggle me in her sleep because she thought I was her boyfriend. It was a magical time in my life...

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    1. Dear Amelie,

      Don't pretend you didn't like it.


      WINK.

      Delete
  13. I have had the worst problems with roommates.. mostly them trying to move out before the end of the lease. It's not me, though, I swear. It's them.

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  14. Haha, this cracked me up. I don't 'mesh well' (yeah I'm using a line from Clueless and what?) with roomies. AT ALL. I lived with a neat freak for so long that I found myself using every single pot and pan to make dinner and then leaving them in the sink just to piss her off. It worked. She cried. I didn't feel guilty... she stepped over me in the bathroom when I was almost close to death from blood poisoning from an abscessed wisdom toof... WHOLE.OTHER.STORY. To summarise... roommates are shite!

    Love Elle xo

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    1. Wow. You might win the prize with that story. 2 things:
      1) Clueless reference FTW.
      2) Blood poisoning!? Baaaaaah.

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  15. I discovered one of my pet peeves is that I'm not entirely comfortable sleeping only a few feet away from a schizophrenic who may or may not try to strangle me in my sleep. On the bright side, I discovered that I'm pretty awesome at being nocturnal.

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    1. Mel, you're such a tight ass... strangling is all the rage right now.

      In other news, why were you sleeping only a few feet away??

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    2. We lived in a dorm. Space was limited.

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    3. Ahhhhhh ha! I lived in one of those, too. My roommate used to spend a good portion of her time yelling at her computer. It was pretty awkward when I thought she kept calling me a useless piece of shit.

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  16. This was hilarious! I had a roommate that pretended to be suicidal and who's stuff was so dang funky that it funked up the ENTIRE apartment. Not mention her various other absolutely disgusting habits....

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    1. Yummmmmy! There are a lot of bad habits, but the ones that stink are by far the worst.

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  17. I've always had pretty good luck with roommates. The worst I've had is one of them coming in drunk after I was soundly asleep and eating an entire brand new box of granola bars I had bought. But she bought me a new box of them the next day, so it was fine.

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    1. An ENTIRE box!? That's pretty impressive.

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  18. oh, funny stuff! will be back to read more. new follower here (but not in a creepy stalky way. maybe.)

    best,
    MOV

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    1. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I hope it's in a creepy stalky way.

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  19. This is too funny, but sadly - so true!

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    1. ;) It's truths like these that make vodka taste so good.

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  20. In light of the comment I left about Summer and booze, I feel the need to say this: I am a terribly fun drunk, and do none of these god-awful things. My drunken infractions include such things as getting my drunken party invited to the reception of a wedding, throwing a pudding wrestling party that included over 250 jello shots, and trying to (literally) kick up my heels and falling in the middle of a parking lot and then causing my whole contingency to collapse in a heap laughing (no one died...or was even injured...aside from me...but just scraped knees).

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