April 11, 2012

Sexier Than a Drunk Chimpanzee

Everyone envies someone, for something, sometimes.

If you pretend for a second that you don’t envy anyone, ever, then I’m going to recommended you get the fuck out of here and go look in a mirror for a few minutes until you can accept that you’re not a real human and your life is probably a pretty big joke.  I’ll wait for you to come back.


Back?  Okay good.

Now that you’ve come to terms with all of the people you envy all the fucking time, we can get down to business. While I don’t believe that envying is productive, I do believe it’s inevitable and ‘normal’. And shut the fuck up if you’re thinking of lecturing me on the use of the term ‘normal’. I don’t give a circlejerkingmonkeyfuck if it’s not PC to say “normal”.  I do what I want.

Now that I got that off my chest, let me tell you about some of the things I wish I could do.

Some might say I “dream big.”

I Wish I Could Draw/Paint

I don’t think people with drawing ability appreciate it enough. Sure, I can draw ridiculously awesome pictures of squirrels using MicrosoftPaint, but that took me more time than I’d care to admit, and quite frankly, these basic abilities aren’t enough. If I could draw, I’d draw constantly. I’d sketch everything, all the time, and everyone would fucking love it, OK? I’d drawn to explain myself, I’d draw myself punching the assholes on the subway, and  I’d draw what I’d do to your face if you fucking shush me.  I’d spend a lot of time illustrating my feelings.
For example: If I was hungry (yes, that’s a feeling, shut up), I’d sketch myself eating a giant burrito. I’d be sure to include some helpful arrows, pointing out the different components of the sketch so that people could look at the image and know exactly what the fuck was being shoved in my piehole. I would point out the burrito sauce dripping off my chin and the lone jalapeño that tumbled onto my shirt, celebrating its escape from my angry, chomping teeth.*  Oh, what a glorious life I would live. With my current amateur drawing abilities, there is just no way I could ever successfully draw burrito sauce dripping down my chin without it looking like I’m eating a jizz sandwich.
Damn you incapable, non-artist hands. My dreams=shattered.

*I’d just like to note that if I’m ever eating and a jalapeño falls onto my shirt, I eat the shit out of it. No jalapeño left behind!

I Wish I Could Dive
That’s right guys, dive. I’m talking about the diving that occurs off of a diving board at the end of a (probably) public pool. Easy, you say? Believe me when I say that I’ve tried. Believe me even more when I say that I’ve failed. Relentlessly.
As an adult, I don’t really swim. It’s not a ‘hobby’ or even really something I enjoy doing, but I’ll admit that sometimes I wonder if all of that would change, if only I could dive like a motherfucking mermaid. I’ll tell you this much: I can do that Ariel hair-flip move like no one’s fucking business. 

I Wish I Could Speak Spanish

Everything sounds sexy in Spanish. If I could be a Spanish speaking mermaid diver, I’m pretty sure I could rule the world. With sexiness.

I Wish I Could Punch Christina Aguilera

To my knowledge, I don’t have anyone in particular to be envious of for this one, per say, but I think it should be known that I’d really like to punch her in the face. And in the left boob. Why not the right boob? Because I don’t fucking know. The left one just looks like a giant asshole... Figuratively speaking.  
Watch your back, Christina. And your face. And your boob.

I Wish I Could Walk in High Heels

Ever wonder what a drunk chimpanzee looks like in high heels? Well look no further! I’m your girl! (... minus a lot of the body hair and feces slinging. Probably.)
The deceiving thing about heels is that for the first 2 minutes I wear them, I feel like a motherfucking diva.  I walk around like I could school Tyra Banks and my farts are made of glitter. But once those 2 minutes are over, it becomes painfully clear to me that Satan himself made my shoes and has plotted out my downfall in the form of numb toes, burning arches and throbbing ankles.  To the women (and men) strutting your stuff around in your fancy high heeled boots/shoes, I just want you to know that I want to be hate you.  I hope your heel gets stuck in a subway grate, bitch.

While I realize it’s a waste of time to long for the unattainable, sometimes it’s impossible not to. So, if you see me staring at you from across the street, or glaring at you on the subway, it’s probably because I want something you’re wearing, wish I could do something you’re doing, or I hate your fucking face and you need to learn how to shut your mouth before I come and shove my unheeled boot in it.   

Either way, you're going to get slapped. 

Or should I say... De cualquier manera, te vas a una bofetada.



When I started this blog, I decided to post my updates on Facebook so my friends could find out how truly annoying funny I am. 
BOY, am I glad I did! 
Today, the wonderful Madison Conlin surprised me with my very own portrait. Eating a burrito. 
And from the looks of it, that burrito is motherfucking hilarious. 

My hands aren't that small, that burrito is just MONSTROUS. The way I like 'em.



  1. La comida en su camisa es comestible una hora mas adelante.

    Also, I'm envious of two things.
    1) I wish I could skateboard. Going anywhere would be so much better if I just zipped around on that wheeled plank of wood.

    2) I'm envious of people who can function like normal (yup, normal) human beings when people are behind them. I get so anxious when people are behind me that I almost strangled a girl last night when I was rock climbing. Must you stand there? Rude.

    1. I'll admit that I google translated that shit. I definitely eat popcorn I find down my shirt long after the one hour time limit has passed... but I've never claimed to be 'classy'

      Skateboarders make me anxious. and jealous. I'm with you on that one. I'd DEFINITELY kill myself trying, but I still wish I could stand on a wheeled plank of wood and look cool.

  2. Thank you for reminding me of the Spanish-speaking and drawing abilities I often take for granted.

    (BTW, it's "vas a tener una bofetada," or, more personally, "te voy a pegar/dar una bofetada.")

    Something that I'm jealous of is people who don't have to stand on their tip-toes to look over fences and reach for that plate that was placed way too high in the kitchen cabinet.

    -Barb the French Bean

    1. Thanks, Barb! My Spanish abilities are quickly developing!

  3. Apparently on the Voice last year one of the contestants' families accosted C.A. or something that was a 'minimal physical attack' which I'm sure is TMZ for 'punched in the boob'...or if it's not we can just say it is. I hate to say that I'm one of the people who can draw but says they can't. I'm better than people who can't draw, but not as good as people who draw for a living. Most of the time, I'm jealous of the freedom people who can't draw have, because they CAN make a squirrel that looks like a rabid dog, when if I were to get away with it, people will just say it's horrible.

    1. I'm going to have to google that. Hearing about a Christina assault would definitely brighten my day.

      I think you should own your abilities. My squirrel might look like a rabid dog, but don't you think it looks like it's got some *serious* street cred? I wouldn't want to run into it in a dark alley, that's for sure.

  4. I'm jealous of people that can sing. Even the people who are kinda okay singers but think they are the next Voice winner and do karaoke on Thursday nights. Because trust me, even they can sing better than me. At the moment I'm also envious of people who can run seven miles like it's nothing. I want to cut their hamstrings.

    1. I'll admit that I sing pretty okay. Not "I'm going to the win the Voice" kind of good, but not "I think my ears might be bleeding" bad.

      But I'M WITH YOU on the runners. I was going to put that in this post, actually, because FUCK YOU, Long-distance runners and your freaky limbs and lungs that don't collapse from exhaustion.

  5. As a former lazy lifeguard, I will happily teach you how to dive if you ever visit BC, Canada. It's mostly a science of learning to roll into the water and fling your legs out like a motherfucker.

    I love heels, but I also cannot wear them for very long. I envy the women I work with who get through the whole day in them. I myself am usually at my desk bare foot by about 11am. Boss comes by, asks me to go do something, I'm all "Wait up I have to put shoes on."

    Also, I would like a burrito now.

    1. WHADDUP fellow Canadian!

      People tried for years to teach me to dive. I'm no more graceful than a burrito hitting the water. True story. Mmm Burritos.

      Also, I never have shoes on at work. Ever. Today I'm wearing Christmas socks. The management hasn't mentioned it yet...

  6. I mean, what color is your burrito sauce? It would only look like a jizz sandwich if you made it white like sour cream instead of hot sauce. Otherwise....any and all sexual encounters up to this point have consisted of men that have bloody semen. Either way ITS A LITTLE BIT TERRIFYING

    White burrito sauce *shudder*

    1. I'm going to be honest, Hanna, my overall interactions with semen have been very limited. ;)

  7. I envy people with money. Sure, I know it doesn't buy happiness, but damn if it's not better to be unhappy while driving a Lamborghini.

  8. In my every day life, I get interrupted CONSTANTLY. No matter where I go, be it the bank, work, home, wherethefuckeverelse, I can seldom get past one sentence. Even Boyfriend notices (which is fucking hilarious since he's the biggest offender). FUCK, I even interrupt myself. I'm actually fluent in "mute" now as a result. I'm convinced that if I could sing, I would never have this problem again. I would sing my order at the drive through, when telling my kids to stop doing whatever annoying thing they're doing, when asking if Boyfriend is hungry, at the gyno, EVERYWHERE, and they would be so mesmerized by my mouth music that they would be rendered incapable of speaking long enough to make my point. How fucking glorious that would be!!
    Oh, and I want a monkey. I know it's cliche, but seriously, I think a monkey would make my life complete.

    1. Interruption is seriously one of my biggest pet peeves EVER. It makes me get really stabby.
      I really wish you could sing, because I'd pay a lot of money to follow you around all day as you sing your way through everything. That would be money very well spent.

  9. I am envious of the silver spoon money people, and the people that can draw and be all artsy, and of Chef Ramsey who can cook and says fuck with such flair. I am also envious of the peeps that can put outfits together and look all glamorous and shit for under $25. And to top it off, I have to say that I am not envious of normal people. (they kind of suck and remind me of paste.)

    1. Oh Ramsey, that man can make anyone his bitch.
      And normal people can suck it.

  10. I am completely envious of photogenic people. Fuck them and their beautiful smiles. You wanna see a drunk chimp? Just look at any of my profile pics. There's nothing even really wrong with my face....

    I hope.

    1. I take a lot of pictures, and it always shocks me when someone so pretty in real life looks bad in pictures.
      I'm sure you're not as bad as you say, but if you are, I'd just like to say that I've always wanted a drunk chimp as a facebook friend.

  11. You *should* envy me, I can run in heels. I'm with you on the Espanol though. I took it for 8 years in school and all you're getting from me is me llamo Miguel. Mas cerveza por favor y donde esta el bano?

  12. I am envious of *real* athletes. The ones who run 6 minute miles and actually lift weights and can swim and shit. When my ass is wheezing while trying to complete 2 miles at 12 minutes per mile, they're the ones flexing their biceps and telling you it's not that difficult--and sometimes even being ridiculously photogenic at the same time: http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2012/04/ridiculously-photogenic-guy-goes-viral/
    Fuck those athletes.

    Also, I wish I could sing, but I haven't really let that one stop me. I just happen to have a particularly forgiving family who all own lots of ear plugs.

    1. Oh I'm so with you on that.
      That photogenic runner guy deserves a punch to the throat.

  13. I love burritos, chimpanzees, alcohol, and other people who can't do tons of things. So we are now friends forever.

    Just thought you should know.

    I can't draw for shit, and I can't run. I look like a wild mongoose on pcp.

    1. I am really happy we're friends for life.
      Also, you have no idea how much I want to see the high mongoose run.