April 18, 2012

It's 4am, I'm Probably Drunk on Your Porch.

Breakups are fucking stupid.

Sure, it’s nice to have an excuse to be a snotty, puffy-faced, teary disaster for awhile, but overall, I’d say the whole breakup process is pretty fucking douchey.  I’m not going to say that I wanted to use my guitar strings to slit open my wrists while wheezing out the painful, melodic tunes of Melissa Etheridge… but something a little less bloody, butequally as humiliating has most definitely crossed my mind.

For the purpose of this entry, I decided to browse the internet for helpful ‘tips’ on how to get over the person you broke up with. This is going to come as a pretty big shock, but everything I found was fucking stupid.

In my search, I stumbled on this helpful picture:



This image was paired with the motivational message “Let go of your negative emotions!” 

Ummmmm…..

This guy isn’t letting go of anything. He’s giving a thumbs up while holding a shirt that says “Negative Emotions.” If you ask me, it looks more like this giant douchecanoe is excited by his recent acquisition of a shitty t-shirt promoting an even shittier emo band. 

Also: The 90s are over, dudebro. Smiley face t-shirts are out.


...Oh, and this guy is most definitely about to kill those birds. 

Dealing with a break up? Go kill some motherfucking birds!


One particularly helpful article suggested that I call all of my friends and force them to hang out with me. They encouraged calling everyone, including the people I haven’t spoken to in ages. Apparently, if you’re a disgusting, emotional disaster, everyone has to understand because you’re in a ‘time of need’. 
They also suggested I look at all of my old photos to make myself cry like a motherfucking suicidal banshee. 

The article assured me that my friends will still love me, though. I mean, who doesn’t love an anxious, wheezing bag of hysteria showing up at their door at 4 am?  
 
I think I might test out their theory.
WHADDUP former elementary school friends. Shit’s about to get real.

*
As a side note, midway through this article, a helpful advertisement let me know that there are nine magic words that would make my man addicted to me.  (That’s the dream, right?) 

 
While I didn’t actually click on the link, I’m going to guess what those 9 words are:
1-     Anal
2-     Threesome
3-     Boob-job
4-     Blowjob
5-     Anal
6-     Letmemakeyouasandwich
7-     Brazilian
8-     Anal
9-     Idon’twantkids

Listen. I realize that list is hardly fair to men and I’m being rudely presumptuous in thinking this magical list of keywords will keep a man addicted to his woman, but bitch, please. Y’all know you’d be excited if your woman said she’d make you a sammie while you screw her in the pooper.

How sexy was that sentence?

Yep.

Moving along.



I also stumbled on this picture, displaying the utter sadness that one feels when their heart is shattered into a million pieces. 

 
You guys.
This bitch is sad.
She’s so sad she’s using an umbrella when it’s sunny out.
Her sadness is so powerful she can’t even handle the sun.  Except on the bottom half of her face… that part of her face is not so sad.

Oh, and the best thing about this article? It was linked to an even more helpful article called ‘How to Deal with a Broken Rib.”

I’m going to leave the domestic abuse jokes aside.

For now. 

*

It's most definitely time for a drink. Or 12.

35 comments:

  1. happy to see that you've taken the alcohol route. <3 sharon loves you. xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. <3. Alcohol has always been a close, personal therapist of mine.

      Delete
  2. I relate to the last picture. I often use an umbrella in the sun when I'm sad.
    And the first picture, I have t-shirts with all kinds of emotions on (although one could call them stains....)
    And the middle picture. Except I don't really want to kill the birds...at the moment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha. Stains.
      I believe you when you say you don't want to kill the birds. I know your time will come.

      Delete
  3. So...I wish I could help but...I've never been dumped XD and it seems no matter how hard I try I can't get my gf to dump me...and oddly it never seems like the right time to ask for suggestions. Oh me...always the asshole...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Getting dumped can be challenging, and being the one who does the dumping is fucking shitty.

      ;) But being an asshole is clearly very rewarding to you.

      Delete
  4. "The key to happiness is knowing you will always be better than the pee-pee toucher that drew those lame ass pictures of douche-nozzles holding dumb shirts and standing next to bird baths in an attempt to uplift and inspire people on the internets"~ Mahatma Gandhi.

    "Alcohol is the tastiest medicine ever, and its good for the soul when life sucks"~ Abraham Lincoln.

    Word, yo. Gandhi and Lincoln knew their shit.
    Quotey bs aside, I do hope you mend quickly. Like Wolverine, only prettier.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're wonderful.
      Whatever Ganhdi says, goes.

      I'm not sure I'm prettier than Wolverine, but I do know that I have a lot fewer problems at airport security than he does. So, that's a win?

      Delete
  5. I think all of your long lost friends will want to hang out with your crying self as long as you wear that t-shirt.

    I'm sorry to hear about your girlfriend. On the sunny side of that umbrella, it's good to have a reason to drink gatorka at all hours of the day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I want to make a TShirt that says "Negative Emotions". It's like a giant flashing sign to people to fuck off if I don't want to be bothered ;)

      And thanks. You're definitely right. Gatorka is most definitely essential and welcome.

      Delete
  6. Sorry your girlfriend broke up with you. I know you must be hurting.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm one of those people who's glad to talk with heartbroken drunks at 4am. People tell me I'm a good listener. (Or is it masochist -- I get those two mixed up sometimes.) Anyway, get in touch if you need someone to listen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're very sweet. And a rare breed of masochist ;)

      Delete
  8. Anal is most definitely one of the magic words. Even if the other 8 words are super romantic and sweet, the one other word will be anal. It's inevitable. And, I'm sorry for your breakup! They simply suck but if it happened, it must not have been meant to be. You'll find what you're looking for elsewhere!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm very happy to have you on board the magic of the word 'anal'.

      Delete
  9. Hell yeah that list is presumptuous.
    Where's "letswatchthegame"?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fuuuuck I knew I forgot something!

      Delete
  10. I'm more concerned as to how that girl got into a internet modelling career when she has no neck...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You make a valid point.
      Perhaps I've missed the memo that 'no neck' is the new 'hot' on the internet...

      Delete
  11. You're single for summer. I'm not seeing a problem here.

    But yea, my cold-hearted bitchiness aside, drink, forget 'em, feel better!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I intend to be all sorts of fucked up this weekend.

      Delete
  12. I noticed anal listed twice on that list. Coincidence? I think not.

    Fuck her and the horse she rode out on...You're gonna be FINE, girl!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :) It was definitely intentional.

      And, well, she's lovely, and I think we'll be able to be good friends in time. Life just feels a bit shitty, but I know that summer is going to be a gong show. TEQUILA PLEASE.

      Delete
    2. I read Anal three times.

      You also forgot rich.

      Delete
  13. You're going to have an amazing summer AND REST OF YOUR LIFE.

    I agree that dudebro is totally going to kill those birds.

    And, embarrassingly, the first picture relates to my life. My boyfriend just got a shirt which reads: JUST SAY NO TO NEGATIVITY.

    Barf.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I APPRECIATE YOUR ENTHUSIASM! YAY!

      Tell your boyfriend that he's a douchecanoe.

      Delete
  14. Sorry to hear this, Britt. Breakups suck. When Ex left me I drown my sorrows in gin and wine (not together...okay, maybe even together) and ended up calling my friends at 3 in the morning almost every night sobbing. I was a wreck. Here's to you mending quicker than I did! :) But feel free to enjoy the "I just got dumped, so don't blame me for drinking before noon" excuse for as long as you'd like! And btw, absolutely no rush on the post...that should be the last thing for you to worry about. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the support, L-Kat :)

      I will most *definitely* be capitalizing on the pre-noon drinking.

      Delete
  15. The last picture makes me want to take that umbrella and jab it up her pooper. Fucking sadness sucks (and so do broken ribs)

    I am very sorry about your break up, that does suck. And it will be sucky for a while. I find that booze and really really sappy movies (like PS I love you) are good for boozy sob fests. Or you can have an amazing summer and screw everything that walks!

    Get better Britt! You are one funny bitch.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so pleased that you've used the word 'pooper' in this comment. It's such a sexy word.

      I think drunk sappy-moving watching fest is a must. I must start planning.

      :)

      Delete
  16. You've already got the alcohol out? Then I have no more advice. The last time I was through a break up, though, I dealt with it very calmly, quite like an adult. Until six months later at a large family get-together when I broke down in a snotty, wailing, hyperventilating, neurotic disaster. Good times. Hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SIX MONTHS LATER? Dear lord, I may never be safe from my inner snot-demons!

      Delete
  17. Before I offer my condolences on your ended relationship (which I am sorry to hear) I would like to comment on that second picture. Did you really find that as a solution to help with a breakup? Because to me that picture is saying date the same sex. I mean see the two cardinals? They are both male cardinals. So to me that picture is telling the man to date other men. XD Sorry I couldn't help it. That's what I got from the picture.
    But again sorry about your relationship.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha well thank you for the support!

      Those two cardinals are definitely gay. Nothing says "break up solution" like a pair of gay cardinals!

      Delete