August 11, 2011

I just said "wassup" aloud to a pigeon.

Working in the financial industry isn’t colourful, to say the very least.
Sure, I get to work on accounts for people named Mehboob, and people like to yell at me in French a lot, but I don’t like to brag.

I am, however, lucky enough to have a stalker friend awesome enough to keep me entertained throughout otherwise monotonous days.

She is hilarious and crazy. Together we get to bounce insane offensive disgusting sexual brilliant ideas off of each other.

Since these e-mails brighten my day so much, they may also do the same to yours.
Or you’ll go cross-eyed and get kicked by a mule.
Either way.
It’s your life. Do what you want.

For all of our sakes, I am only posting my favourite lines from some of these e-mails. No one needs to see the banter. Except us. MEMBERS ONLY, BITCHES.

*Please note, names have been changed. Ivan is a girl. Get used to it.             

Ivan: The lifestyle choices you just described sound like some sort of epic Monty Python wet dream.

Me: I think stapler violence is underrated. Nothing says "get smarter" than a stapler to the head.


Ivan: I imagine her as an extremely anxious gerbil. Like, if you don’t feed her enough, she’ll just pee all over your hand.


Me: I have a terrible ability to be ladylike in a skirt and end up with my legs apart, flashin’ the world. Leggings just seem safer, and far more effective for avoiding accidental pregnancies. THAT SHIT JUST HAPPENS, YO.


Ivan: I miss being able to chew like a normal person. Instead of, you know, drooling all over my badass self. It makes me significantly less badass when it looks like I’m my own retarded cousin.


Me: ... I'm not sure what kind of signals I'm sending out, but to me it feels a bit like death/stabby/herpes/anger.
Not necessarily in that order.

(probably in that order.)


Ivan: I respect your buttboundaries. A LADY HAS STANDARDS. Unless she pays for a lobster dinner- then all bets are off, biatches.

Me: I only put out for lobster, but first they have to get me to eat it.
Hint: I don't eat lobster.
Hint: I need to start eating lobster :(

Can you like, steal some plane memorabilia for me? Like a cappuccino machine? Or a flight attendant? I feel like they’d be handy in some sort of crisis. They’d probably know where all the emergency exits are located.
Me: I will steal 3 flight attendants.
We'll call all of them Steve and make them wear different coloured boas. The Boas will determine how much we like them. The suckiest one gets yellow. The best one gets purple and the middle one gets a kick in the face, because honestly, if you can't stand out for being good OR bad, you just don't deserve a boa.

Me: I take all my dates to all-you-can-eat buffets. I let them go first and then I just eat a salad.
:) I'm the best date ever.

Things Ivan shouldn’t Google from work:
-          Midgets
-          Mexican midgets
-          Funny Mexican midgets playing dodgeball
-          TIT CUPCAKES

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