May 2, 2012

I Hope You Like the Taste of Slaps


I’m going to be honest with you guys, there is a lot of shit that pisses me off.

You can pretend to be surprised by that statement, but I’ll know you’re just being polite- and quite frankly, if you’re the ‘polite’ type, I’m not sure we’d get along. You should just call me a crazy bitch like the rest of ‘em so we can move forward and develop a normal relationship.  

Good.

What was I saying? Oh right, a lot of shit pisses me off.

I don’t think I’d classify myself as an ‘irrationally angry’ person. Generally speaking, my anger is entirely rational and it spawns from other people’s ignorance and general douchebaggery. If you’re going to parade around like you’re the motherfucking king of Asshole Castle, then chances are I’m going to want to slap you. Really fucking hard.

I decided to make a list.

People I Want to Slap Really Fucking Hard

  • People who don't know how to walk

A word to those of you who decide to randomly stop walking to check your phone/pick your ass, if I’m behind you when you stop, you might wake up with a new hole.

  • Loud cellphone talkers

Seriously. Shut the fuck up. No body wants to hear about Becky’s questionable decisions and your inability to hold down tequila. You’re just as slutty as Becky and you know it.

  • People who let their kids run amuck in public washrooms

Your 4 year old can’t be trusted not to piss on everything. Keep that thing on a leash.

  • Girls who relentlessly look at themselves in the reflection of windows they're walking by

 Let me make this easy for you: You look like a bedazzled asshat. With a cameltoe.

  • My Landlord

To put it lightly, this man deserves a hot iron to the testicles.

  • Guys who are constantly 'adjusting' themselves

Everyone knows you have a penis. Congratulations! Chances are if you need to touch your junk that much, you should probably get that checked out. Or you need to lay off the G-Strings. One of those.

  • People who drink light beer

Fuck you. Drink better beer, pussy.

  • People who always try to top your story

Listen, I understand that something sort of, kind of, not really at all similar happened to you once, but I don’t want to hear about it and quite frankly, you’re about to learn what my foot tastes like. I hope you’re hungry.

  • People who breathe really loudly at the gym

Seriously, broseph, are you giving birth?

  • People who wear UGGs

You’re wearing boots named after the abbreviation of the word ‘ugly’. It is no coincidence that they’re motherfucking ugly.  People really will buy anything, won’t they? Maybe I should start a purse line named “VAG”. (You can bet your ass they’d all be made with a soft, pink lining.)

  • Elderly people who chew really loudly

Just kidding. I’d never hit an old person. Probably.

  • The guy that never toasts my bread correctly at the sandwich place where I get my breakfast

Who the fuck likes burnt toast? Probably your mother. I hope you like the taste of slaps.

*

I know you guys will have some good ones, so let me hear ‘em. What makes you want to shove your fist through someone’s face? (Now there’s a sexy mental image!)

35 comments:

  1. I want to slap presenters who get people at their presentations to introduce themselves along with a "cocktail party fact."

    BECAUSE NO.

    Also, coworkers who have one good story from the previous month who feel it is necessary to tell everyone at the office, individually, the same story WHILE IN EARSHOT OF EVERYONE ELSE.

    Oh, and bus drivers who drive away from bus stops before the designated "driving away" time.

    Loved this post. Especially the landlord part. Get get him. Go.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't even get my started on my landlord. I'm 98% sure he's shaved 5-18 years off of my life from the stress he's induced.

      Also: EW COCKTAIL PARTY FACTS. Those are the fucking worst. Next time someone asks you one of those, you should go with the classic "Shot a man in Reno."

      Delete
  2. Most children should be kept on leashes.

    I would like to slap people who push in front of you to get on the T. Then stop to search their bags for their Charlie Card. Oh wait. It's not in the bag. It's in my pocket. Nope. Other pocket. Nope. Oh it was in the bag this whole time. Oops no money left on that thing. Let me just get some cash out of my bag. Nope, not in the bag. Nope. Not in that pocket. SERIOUSLY? Take a taxi.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AMEN. Leashes!

      Oh god. I fucking haaaaate bad public transportation users. Throw 'em in the tracks.

      Delete
  3. People who have their cell phones set to make noise every time they push a button. And then they sit there texting. Pushing button after button. Making all sorts of unnecessary noise. It is those people that I want to punch.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, that's definitely intolerable. How does the noise not bother them??

      Delete
  4. I am 5 of these things hahaha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm coming over with a fistful of slaps, fine sir.

      Delete
  5. i'd like to slap all people who act like they are so above you just because they are a few years older. i don't care if you're 98, if you're immature, you're immature.

    http://challengedromantic.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. So excellent. Though I deffo qualify as "Girls who relentlessly look at themselves in the reflection of windows they're walking by".
    I want to slap:
    1) People who walk slowly/in a horizontal line on Oxford Street/busy shopping areas
    2) Boys who think it is okay to touch my body just cus they're walking past me.
    3) Sluts who comment on other sluts' facebook photos telling them they are 'stun'
    4) Piers Morgan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I definitely fall guilty in the reflection-checking category from time to time as well... A bitch has to know if she looks fierce.

      I like your Slap List. It's stun ;)

      Delete
  7. This post makes me want to visit Canada so we can go on a bearded vodka-fueled "let's punch some bedazzled ugg-wearing wonder-cunts" frenzy together.
    Unless that is creepy, then I take it all back.
    So far as people I want to punch, I could write a goddamn book on the subject. Though I will say, one that comes to mind right now is my land lord too, which sucks because my land lord also happens to be my mother.
    I know, I know... JUDGE ME HARSHLY.
    In my defense, I'm sure there are plenty of other respectable adults out there that have to move in with a parental unit to save some money. IT'S A TOUGH ECONOMY OUT THERE.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's not even creepy ENOUGH. I'm so down for that adventure. Especially since you mentioned the beard.

      I won't judge you for wanting to slap your mom. Or for living with her. I'm happy to have a fellow 'wanna slap the landlord' alli. ally? Ali? I don't know how to spell that word.

      Delete
  8. Something that enrages me so much: When people post sassy/vicious/deep/"profound" facebook statuses and they spell things wrong/use horrible grammar. Honestly, I would LOVE to be that douche that comments with the terse: "*their not there." Most times I can't be that douche because I don't know said offender quite well enough..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AGREED TO THE MAX. I have a "friend" who constantly posts about how much of a "genious" he is, too much irony for my brain to handle.

      Delete
    2. Grammar Nazis unite!

      I hate bad spelling. I can let it (sort of) slide in texts, but if you're posting something on your status, try for the love of God to do a quick spell check.

      And like Quimsy said, it's that much more slap-worthy if they're trying to be deep and shit.
      My fist wants to teach you a lesson, son.

      Delete
  9. People who drink light beer.
    What the hell is light beer?
    I live in Japan, where people drink one beer and pass out, yet even they don't have light beer.

    And I would like to defend my ugg wearing, do you know how cold Japan gets in the winter?! I wore uggs just to keep my toes attached to my feet...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh North America is riddled with all kinds of 'light' beer options. We also have many 'fortified' beers. Really, there's a beer for all types of pussies.

      And fine. I'll allow your Japanese winter excuse... for now. But, in Canada it also gets very, very cold and there are plenty of other boot options to keep the toes toasty.

      Delete
  10. secretly or not so secretly one of my favourite things to happen while on the streetcar is a really juicy personal conversation on a cellphone. I mean C'mon! you're HAVING A BABY SHOWER NEXT WEEK AND YOU INVITED BECKY! TELL ME MORE! no seriously, I like it is that bad? Am I evil for taking pleasure in these things?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think you should be worried for your love of juicy over-heard calls. I get their appeal. If i overhear a GOOD one, then it's awesome. Sadly, most things I hear are stupid and totally slap-worthy.

      Delete
  11. I'm with you on 1-3! I will not subject your blog space to the endless tirade of things that piss me off. But... since you asked.

    -People that stop at a yield sign
    -People who stop walking in the middle of the sidewalk (I know you said this but it seriously enrages me)
    -Women who *think* they can, but really can't walk in high heels.
    -People who carry umbrellas when the sun is shining and there's not a spec of rain. Get a hat or stay the fuck indoors!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ew. Next time you see a twat walking with an umbrella up in the sun, I DARE you to punch her in the face.

      Delete
  12. People who don't used the turn signal. Just today, I saw a cop in his car and he turned WITHOUT using indicating. A string of expletives flew from my mouth over this law-defending hypocrite.

    -Barb the French Bean

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH I hate it when police break the rules!!

      Delete
  13. Yes yes yes! People who wear UGGs need to be slapped in the face. UGGs are like skank uniform footwear during normal Seattle weather.

    ReplyDelete
  14. In no particular order, people who smoke in front of their kids, French people who get mad because my French sucks, people who have little puddles of white spit in the corners of their mouths, people who always wear the correct P.E kit, girls who won't let you copy their homework, miserable people at the airport, inter-tv show announcers whose faces you never see that have too much personality... this is not your little half time show! And a heap load more but I will leave it there before everyone thinks I am a big ol' hater! Oh and guys who think it's ok to be completely naked except for a t-shirt... what are you? FOUR! This is GROSS!!!

    Happy Monday, Love Elle xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You could have stopped at "french people" and I would have fully agreed just as much. Ha.

      The idea of man-junk hanging below a tshirt makes me reconsider eating. ever. barf.

      Delete
  15. Uggs. Overpriced, ugly feet ovens.
    Never wore a pair that didn't cause massive pedisweating.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pedisweating! Fantastic word, my friend!

      Delete
  16. I agree with the walkers. Please, for God's sake learn to chew gum/talk/breath and walk at the same time! It is not that fucking hard!!

    I would also like to slap/punch/kick impatient drivers. If I am going the speed limit to not honk/ride my ass/flip me off, because I will slow down and make you late to where you are going! Now im fired up.

    ReplyDelete
  17. 'You could have stopped at french people and I would have agreed with you just as much'
    One word. OUCH!
    Also I am flabbergasted that Christina's titts did not make this list!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There are definitely exceptions to that French people rule ;)

      Delete