July 20, 2011

Get Out of My Bed, Asshole.

In the heat, we are forced to come up with creative ways to stay cool alive during the night.  Any sort of sexy fantasy is quickly replaced by the desire to straddle a snowman, and chances are if there’s someone else in your bed, you’ll also be fantasizing about how easy it would be to throw them off the edge of the bed so you don’t have to deal with their body heat firey furnace body from hell.  My advice to you is to find someone who can afford air conditioning.

For those of you suffering this heat on your own, once you’ve rung out your mattress from last night, and are ready to try again, consider the following measures:

First off, ensure you have an industrial size fan approximately 2 feet away from your face. (I recommend the 2 feet distance for safety reasons, but fully support your badass urge to endanger your limbs/face/organs.)  I also recommend that you dig out as many icepacks from the freezer as possible.  If you’re really badass (see organ risks above) put those icepacks against your naked body and pray to fuck that you can pass out before they thaw.  If you’d like to wake up without frostbite in your nether regions (cuz we all know that’s where you’ll be putting these icepacks, perv), consider wrapping the ice packs with your sheet or a thin towel.  (*I should also warn that while frozen peas/corn/meat/body parts may feel like a good idea at the time, reconsider. I’m sure you smell bad enough as it is without the rotting food.)  And, finally, keep a bucket of water and a washcloth on hand, preferably filled with ice (or body parts if you’re still ignoring my recommendations). And if merely wiping yourself down isn’t doing the trick, and you still can’t fall asleep, dunk your head into that badboy and consider staying under for 3-5 minutes. However long it takes.

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