Don't Dip Your Junk in Chocolate

Let me tell you a little story about what could have been.

 

I may have mentioned this before in passing, but in case you didn't know, I love to bake. More specifically, I bake the shit out of cupcakes/cake-related products. 

Bonjour, Cupcake

When I first started this blog, it was supposed to be a baking blog. (I use the term ‘started’ loosely. In other words, I wrote maybe 2 posts last spring, and then they just sat lonely and untouched for months… kind of like me. Just kidding. Maybe.)  I was all geared up and enthused to write about my adventures in baking, including pictures of my triumphs and fails. Woohoo! Everyone loves a good baking blog, right!?

… But then it dawned on me: baking is fucking expensive.

I have always baked here and there, for special occasions or just for fun, but never on a regular basis. To keep a blog afloat, one needs to post often enough to keep readers coming back. I wasn’t prepared to start spending half of my paychecks on butter, sugar and chocolate, and I certainly wasn’t going to opt for cheaper, less awesome ingredients. So there my blog sat, shivering in its cold, dark corner of the blogosphere, with abandoned pictures of cakes and cookies.  My baking blog dream had come to an end and it was time for a drink. Or six. Or twelve…

I'm sorry, cake, but you never stood a chance.

After months of neglect, it occurred on me that cursing and random story telling was much more my speed and this badboy was born.

But, despite my inability to blog about what I bake, I still like to throw around the flour from time to time. I spend an embarrassing amount of time perfecting what I’ve baked, and in my more ambitious moments, have even considered making my own sprinkles and confetti for cakes. 

Gluing confetti to cake pops with corn syrup isn't as fun as you'd think it would be.

I take that shit seriously, yo.

Anyone who’s been in the kitchen with me while I’m baking can tell you that I don’t play nice. (That’s MY spatula! I’ll whisk how I WANT to whisk! Back the fuck off, motherfucker. I will dip MY balls* into MY chocolate. *stomps feet* ) They would also tell you that I get myself worked up into a tizzy when I think the final product won’t be the masterpiece I had envisioned… and that when things finally start falling into place, I get this crazed look in my eye and resemble one of those fanatical mothers from Toddlers & Tiaras. 

*I’m talking about cake balls, you sick fuck. 

There's something twinkling in those eyes... might just be drag queen glitter.

The trouble with baking is that although it’s super delish, it’s also very fattening. While some people may try to cater their baked goods to the more health-conscious crowd (See:  Mrs. Dingleblat’s Debbie-Downer treats), I refuse to demolish the whole institution of baking with applesauce substitutes. That’s just disgraceful.

Once I have finished baking, the next step is finding people to eat it.   I’ve come to learn that when you work in an office, people will eat just about anything when it’s free (even if it probably should have been introduced to Mr. Garbagecan upon exiting the oven). Last night, my girlfriend and I attempted to make soft pretzels. With a slight mis-measurement of the flour content (I’m not pointing any fingers…*cough*) they turned out extremely doughy. As a result, they had to stay in the oven far longer than intended, and the outside got… slightly overcooked. Nevertheless, I cut them up, threw them in a cookie tin and low and behold, they were gone in under an hour. (I know what you’re thinking… but people came back for second and third helpings. The ‘pretzels’ weren’t just eaten out of sympathy for my efforts. And screw you for thinking such things! I’m never making pretzels for you. Not even if you beg. Asshole.)

So, even though my blog became an unexpected slur of grand fuckery (which, by the way, I adore, thanks to my wonderful followers/commenters/friends), from time to time I may throw some baking into the mix. Ohhhhh a baking pun!! You’re welcome!! (I probably won’t actually ever blog about baking… but now I don’t want to delete that pun... Eff my life is *so* complicated sometimes.)

All of this is to say: this is not a baking blog…but it was supposed to be… but it’s not.

Yep.

 

There Are No Strippers Here.

I’m new to blogging.  You’ve likely figured that out if you looked at my archives and thought “What the fuck? Bitch only has 15 posts?!” 

First of all, screw you!

That was rude and uncalled for. I apologize. What I meant to say was: It’s a lot of fun, but I have lots to learn.

I ended up at blogspot because … well, I can’t quite remember. I was probably trolling the internet drunk one night and thought “The world needs to know how good this nacho cheese is and I can totally adequately describe it. People need to know about this. IF ONLY I HAD A BLOG!” And thanks to the trusty internet, POOF! A blog was born.

*If you’ve now left to find the entry about nacho cheese, you’re going to be pretty disappointed when you don’t find it. That gem is only in my brain (and stomach) and it’s pretty fucking delicious. Maybe one day, buddy.

Since I’m slowly getting the hang of this shit, I decided “Hey! Maybe I’ll spruce up my page a bit! It can’t be that complicated…”  Blogger has these nifty “Gadgets” that you can add to your blog to keep people in your personal loop. They give your potential readers a feel for what your blog is ‘all about.’  You can imagine my disappointment when I couldn’t find the “It’s SLAPo’clock!” button, or “Find the nearest bar in your current area” tool.  It’s like they don’t even know me.

Instead, I located some asshat ‘gadgets’ that leave me both perplexed, and filled with a desire to drop some kicks.  Let’s begin.

1) “Pictures of Lighthouses”

No offense, lighthouselovers, but what the bloody fuck. Is there enough of a market for this? How many readers are thinking “Damn, I sure wish this post had some lighthouse pictures beside it! That would have enriched the experience!”  The answer is none. Nobody thinks that. Eff you, lighthouses.

2) Jessica Alba Pictures 

Seriously? You won’t tell me where the local bar is, but you’ll post pervy pictures of Alba on my sidebar to keep my readers… Happy? Enthused? Suicidal?  Personally, if I stumble on a blog with “Daily Random Images” of that hussy, I’d stop reading. 

That’s it. Nothing violent, people. I’m not completely irrational (usually.)

3) Chat Flirten?

I’m not sure what this is, but “iLove ist die grosse Singleborse” looks to me like it’s telling me if I don’t find love, I’ll die gross and single. So fuck you Chat Flirten!  Your girls look like whores.

4) Virtual Stripper.

The idea immediately excited me!  Finally a gadget that might be a fit. I could have a girl dance for my readers? Deal!  Then I read the description.  “She’ll not show you anything ;) - meaning the dancing is family safe.”  Uh, so she’s not a stripper?  And she’ll dance for families? What the fuck. Portal Romanesc, you’ve managed to ruin strippers.

5) The Broken Heart Guide

Because nothing mends a broken heart like daily tips from a blog gadget.

Thank god I didn’t jump off the bridge! Itakeoffthemask really gets me.  

Douchebaggery.

***

Maybe one day I will convince blogger to make me a ‘click here to get a drink delivered to your house in 30 mins or less’ gadget.  Then maybe I’ll forgive Chat Flirten for calling me a gross single bore. Maybe.