At Least I'm Not Pregnant

To say the very least, this past weekend was amazeballs.


I'm coming up with a super clever, awesome, witty post. I swear.
In the meantime, a Yahoo! Answer to keep you invigorated and full of hope for future generations.
(Click image for larger view)

Right. This sounds like someone who knows her medical do's and don'ts!

Happy Halloween, FucklePuffs! May you not be 7 weeks pregnant and drunk.

XOX

You Just Look Slutty

In keeping with my recent Halloween theme (and by ‘theme’ I mean the last post was about Halloween, and this one will be too. I use the term ‘theme’ loosely.) I’ve decided to tackle the ancient practice of Halloween costumes.

Each year, when autumn rolls around, I am all abuzz fantasizing about the endless possible Halloween costumes I could tackle. “This year is going to be the best. year. ever.” I’ll tell myself.

I’ll take out a little notepad and/or post-it and write down some costume ideas.

*It’s important to note that while smartphones have a time and place, this ain’t one of them. When it comes to Halloween costumes, that shit needs to be in INK… And then later shoved in my wallet because you never know when you’re going to be in a store and think “WAIT. That cheesecloth could totally work for a Halloween costume idea I had… WHERE are my ideas!?”

Crisis averted, my friends. They’re in your wallet.

The shitty thing about starting your idea list early is that you will always think there’s a better idea about to be birthed. You find scrunched up post-its in your wallet from months before and think “HA! What a fool! These ideas are so amateur!”  You guffaw and move on your merry way, certain that a brilliant idea is just around the corner.

Think again, motherfucker.

Suddenly, it’s the week before Halloween, all you have are scrunched up post-it’s, last year’s wig that smells like shame and a box of costume jewelry that’s looking better and better with each passing day. So you jump onto Google, type in “Unique Halloween Ideas” and you realize that there’s no such thing. And if there is, you’re not unique enough to come up with one because you suck and should just go as a giant post-it with “FAILURE” stamped across it, but no! You must push forward! You must find the perfect Halloween costume!  And Google is not going to be where you find it.

After realizing that looking for Halloween costume ideas online is about as useful as looking at Yahoo! Answers for life advice, I reached the conclusion that the costumes being sold online are just stripper/dragqueen couture that’s being rebranded for a LIMITED TIME OFFER!  On November 1^st, all orders will be rerouted to twatsforsaleifyoubuytheseskankyoutfits.com.

Despite an abundance of offensive and/or ludicrous finds, a few costumes took the cake.  Sometimes some things just shouldn’t be made sexy. Sometimes a bird is just a bird, an orange is just an orange, and Chinese takeout is just Chinese takeout.

7 Costumes That Should Not Be Sexy

 #1

“Hey, I’m Chinese Takeout.”

This costume just screams for ‘eating out’ jokes, but I’m not going to go there, guys, because I’m a *lady*.

P.S. Your fortune cookie hat sort of looks like a vagina.

#2

This is supposed to be Ursula. URSULA, guys- like, the one from the Little Mermaid.

Excuse me if I’m wrong, but the only thing sexy about that bitch was the way she sang the words “body language” and moved her hips absolutely nothing.

She couldn’t have fit this outfit over one of her tentacles.

If you need a refresher, this is Ursula.

 #3

 

This one is called the “Naughty Native.”

I don’t want to get all political and ‘human right’y on you guys, but shutthefuckup.

“Let’s segregate our Native people and then make sexy Halloween costumes and call them naughty because they don’t like staying on their reserves after curfew!”

… Shall we move on?  Yes, yes, we shall.

#4

 

Hello, Teenage Mutant Ninja Slut.

This is every 12 year old boy’s wet dream… so, I guess that’s the demographic they’re going after when they put this in their ‘sexy’ section? But honey, you’re grown up now. You can probably have your own teenage mutant child. If you’re trying to make 12 year old boys’ wet dreams come true, maybe your biggest problem isn’t your skanky Halloween getup. 

You ain’t no Michaelangelo.

 #5

 

Gene Simmons.

NO.

P.S. Is it just me, or does this still look like a man in makeup?

#6

 

The Raccoon.

I don’t think I need to reiterate my overall distain for this four-legged creature, but what I will say is that this girl has got the “I eat trash, sleep in strange, unfamiliar places and my feces is toxic” look DOWN.  Bravo!

Paws up, garbagecrotch!

#7

  

 

Department of Erections

Seriously? He can bet his sweet, orange, prison-jumpsuited ass that I’m going to swat random, heavy objects at his ‘department’ all night long. That motherfucker is going home alone.

There you have it, folks.

So, while you are putting together your Halloween costumes this year, please stray away from making childhood characters sexy, consider wearing something that doesn’t graze the bottom of your snatch, and let this be a lesson that permaboners are neither sexy, nor funny. They’re just swat-worthy. And will likely be lit on fire.

**

What are you going as for Halloween?

House of Horrors... Now With More Garbage Bags.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I love Halloween. 

For as far back as I can remember, it’s been my favourite holiday. As a kid, I would spend hours sitting on the front porch, shredding black garbage bags like a motherfucker (think: Steve Vai, but with scissors…and garbage bags…), constructing scary ‘graveyards’ in the front garden and barricading the doorbell so people would be forced to use the door knocker- thus setting off the Ghost of Horror. The GOH was essentially a small plastic cone, covered in white material with a face drawn on it. When activated, it would shake and make a ‘ghost’ noise for about 30 seconds. More often than not, it was unresponsive to loud noises. Noise detectors in the 90’s were clearly not up to snuff.

My mom really digs holiday wreaths.

Every Halloween, the front of our house looked more like it was vandalized than decorated.

Despite all of my hard work, my makeshift decorations were usually always shitty, and most definitely not weather resistant.  And as many of you likely know, sometimes it snows on/around Halloween in our Nation’s capital. This meant that we were forced to bundle up when we went Trick or Treating. Nothing says “frightening” like a zombie in a Mountain Equipment Co-op Jacket and snow pants. “HIDE IN THE CLOSET, HONEY! THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING AND IT LOOKS LIKE THEY ARE ABOUT TO DO SOME SERIOUS TOBOGGANING!”

(Wow that paragraph was abundantly Canadian.)

The presence of snow pretty much guaranteed my garden ‘graveyard’ would always be ruined. Turns out cardboard cut-outs with “RIP” written in Sharpie aren’t as ‘authentic’ as one might think. (It’s important to note that the ‘tombstones’ were also about 6 inches tall and a foot or so apart, resembling more of a sad pet cemetery than a spooky graveyard. And given the high number of these pet-sized tombstones, one could have deduced that the child living in the house was likely a budding sociopath/serial killer.)

My parents always played the “It looks great, kiddo! You really did a stand-up job this year! How spooky!” card.

Deep down, I always knew they were just being polite.

But every year, without fail, out came that Halloween box, the garbage bags, the scissors, a role of masking tape and a kid determined to make it the ‘scariest year yet!’

I’d hate to tell you, kid, but you failed. That ‘evil, pumpkin-head scarecrow’? Not scary. That time you dressed up in your friend’s dad’s Hungarian monk robe and hid behind the tree? Not scary.  That time you turned all of the house lights off, except the glow of the jack-o’-lanterns on the porch and made your own ‘scary sounds’ tape and played it through the dining room window? Definitely. Not. Scary.

There is, however, one thing I’ve managed to master after all of these years: my pumpkin carving skills.  I can work my way around a pumpkin like George Foreman can a grill.

I guess you could say pumpkins are my bitch.  

Masterpiece by Janet and Britt. Delicious.

This year, with an abundance of Halloween plans in the working, I can hardly wait to get my hands on one of those orange fuckers and get my stab on.

Prepare to be gutted, my friends.

***

Do you have any good pumpkin carving ideas or conquests to share? If you come up with a good idea, maybe I’ll use it. And maybe I’ll credit you.