The beach is full of whores.
Found in all shapes and sizes, beach whores are a breed of
women who lose all sense of dignity the moment they smell that breeze coming
off of the water. Once the sun hits their greasy, orange skin, all bets are
off. Except for slut bets. Those are still on. They're always on.
After spending an extended weekend at Wasaga Beach, a place
near and dear to my heart, namely for the day drinking, my awareness of this
slutnomenon (slut-phenomenon, stay with me folks) skyrocketed. The most shocking discovery? Age is not a
factor in ones whorability on the beach.
I’m 90% sure one of the skanky grannies even had her ladybits cornrowed.
Why do I know this? Well, my friends, no one can wear a hot pink mesh thong and
expect discretion.
Beach culture perplexes me. Everyone is nearly naked and
covered in oil. Women lay straddling their boyfriends on their beach blankets,
as if passersby aren’t being forced to imagine them bangers’n’mashing, as
children sit nearby indulging in the delicacy of sand pie and lake tea. You would think watching a bunch of screaming
kids eat dirt and pick their wedgies would be enough of a bonerkiller, but it
would appear that the beach whores are impermeable to such blatant reminders of
their sexual indiscretions. Let’s go bang
in the lake, baby! The water is pretty much a condom anyway.
Watching men and women interact in the sand is like watching
Animal Planet. My homosexuality allows for objective observations. (It doesn’t
really, I just wanted to use the word
homosexuality today. It’s just one of those days.) Mating behaviours between
men and women are not unlike those between two women. When it boils down to it,
we all just really want to get it in. Am I right girls!? … Ok, so maybe some of
us are also looking for companionship and other hot topic items I’ve heard T-Swifty sing the living fuck out of, but let’s be real. Generally speaking, when you’re
flailing sand around like a drunk walrus with heat rash to get some beefcake’s
attention, you ain’t looking for a hubby. You lookin’ for an STI scare.
Despite the overwhelming abundance of cellulite, I’ll keep
the discussion of “beach bodies” to a minimum. Much like nude beaches, those
who chose to bare all/close to all are rarely ‘sexy’(I realize this is a very
big overgeneralization. Suck it.) This is probably going to surprise you, but
I’m not going to complain about it. If you’re comfortable flaunting your
stretch marks, saggy tits, microballs or thunder thighs, all the power to you.
You’re a fucking rockstar and I hope you don’t get skin cancer on your
labia.
Regardless of what you wear or who you do on the beach, the
most important thing is to be sure you keep hydrated... (before you start
thinking I’m offering a piece of legitimately responsible advice, let me
elaborate) with liquor. If you’re not
drunk, you’re not going to appreciate the beach whores or skanky grannies
nearly as much as you should. Besides, sand tastes way better after a 26 of
vodka and a handful of weed cookies.
Trust.
Pop Quiz!
What's your favo(u)rite beach moment?
Me? Oh, you know, stepping on a used syringe is up at the top of my list... right behind getting my foot run over by a car. Ain't no thang.
----
In the spirit of blog recognition, I have appointed a winner to last post's challenge!
It was tough because I'm extremely in love with all of you, and your rhyming techniques do not fail to impress.
The winner of the rap challenge is.... my dear fucking hilarious friend at Cerebral Milkshake!
Her submission:
You know I fucking suck at rhymes
'Cause I don't do it all the time
Awe, don't throw a fit,
'Cause, chicka-check it, it's Britt
She all up in the boozing and baking
The writing she do is funny making
She lives up north in CanAyDia
And likes to drink Vodka and Gatoradia
Check her rockin' the fu manchu
She be in style when she says "achoo"
Now I gotta stop 'cause I'm laughing hard
'Cause this rhyme proves that Imma fucktard.
THE END.
'Cause I don't do it all the time
Awe, don't throw a fit,
'Cause, chicka-check it, it's Britt
She all up in the boozing and baking
The writing she do is funny making
She lives up north in CanAyDia
And likes to drink Vodka and Gatoradia
Check her rockin' the fu manchu
She be in style when she says "achoo"
Now I gotta stop 'cause I'm laughing hard
'Cause this rhyme proves that Imma fucktard.
THE END.
(She had me at 'fu manchu'.)
