A little while ago I posted about going through a break-up
and all of the shitfuckery fun that that entailed. I got a lot of lovely
words from readers (read: lots of useful advice on how to drink my problems
away) and it helped a lot (my doctor might disagree). Now that summer is upon us, it’s become clear
to me that I need to push myself to get out there and meet some new
motherfuckers. What’s the best way to
meet people? Online dating sites, of course!
I’m mostly just looking for more people to drink vodka
slushies with while dodging the cops in shady areas of town… but apparently I’m
supposed to play coy and appear like I have my shit together so that I will be
elusive enough to draw in attention from unsuspecting girls on the
internet. (When I say ‘unsuspecting
girls on the internet’ it really just makes me sound like a predator, doesn’t
it? …Ya, that’s what I thought.)
I’m not going to dick you guys around and pretend online
dating is a foreign phenomenon to me. I’ve rode that bicycle before… numerous
times. I’ve met a lot of people off of the World Wide Web, and for the most
part, it’s actually worked out very well (says the single girl.) I’ve made some
great friends and my liver has met many highly capable contenders, but let me
tell you, it takes patience. And by
patience, I mean balls of steel. Allow me to elaborate.
When you online date, you have to brace yourself to feel
like a sack of shit, covered in boogers. In other words: You will take your
time writing out a witty, concise message to someone you think you’d get along
with, take a deep breath and hit ‘send’, and wait for their response. A day
later you will see that they’ve since been online, they’ve looked at your
profile and decided that you aren’t worthy of their time. What the fuck? You complimented them and made
it clear you were just looking for a friendly chat, but they’ve decided you’re
a hideous beast from the depths of their nightmares and you should go fuck
yourself. (Okay, fine, I may be overreacting, but I’m in a vulnerable place,
guys, and these bitches be whack.) Maybe
I should consider adding more bling to my profile pics. I hear women like shiny
things. (Why yes, I am talking about vajazzling.)
I have only been on the site for about a week and while I’m
already pretty fed up with it, I’m trying to stay positive. I have learned,
however, to steer clear of it after a bottle or two of wine. Trust me when I
say that there is nothing but shame and horror emanating from the computer the following
morning when you browse the ‘sent’ folder of your newly pimped-out profile. You
probably should have reconsidered messaging that girl to tell her she’s “hot as
balls”, or from sending that girl with the boyfriend and kid two ‘e-roses’
alongside an e-card reading “i cuold be yerrrr evreythinging.”
Live and learn, right folks?
