The Prevention of Shit Bombs

I’m not homeless, bitches!

We’ve moved into our new apartment and so far, it’s fucking awesome. There is so. much. space.

Keep in mind that my roommate and I had been living in a glorified cardboard box for the past 2 years, so our concept of space has been seriously warped. We had a cubicle-sized living room and our hallway had a kitchen in it. Just the idea of having closets was luxurious. And guess what? We have a lot of fucking closets now.

I’ve danced at least twice to celebrate having a linen closet. Don’t even get me started on the broom closet. (No one said I was cool.)

As with any move, there will be a whole slew of things to get used to in the new building; the most notable adjustment will be the pigeons.  In case you were wondering, spending your Saturday morning hungover, scraping pigeon shit off of a balcony using a very potent bleach concoction is not as sexy as you might think.  In related news: what the fuck are pigeons eating that causes them to shit so fucking much?

It’s clear to us that the previous tenants never used the balcony. They obviously neglected it all together, leaving the pigeons to host whatever kind of shit party/feather plucking rave they desire. (Seriously, there were feathers everywhere… and shards of metal. I’m pretty sure they were building some sort of shit-bomb. We stomped on their dreams. You’re welcome, world.)   Soon, we’ll be putting up a net to keep the diseased beasts away, but for now we’ve decided to spend our time yelling at each one that lands on our balcony. (When I say ‘yelling’, I really mean “yell until you realize they don’t give a shit how much you yell, so you decide to go outside and start flailing your limbs around until they get nervous and move to the edge of the balcony and then you start kicking at them until they move to the balcony one unit over so they’re far enough so you can’t reach them, but close enough to mock you with their douchey cooing.”)

Remember that time my roommate suggested we could take over the world with pigeons? This may be the first step, guys. Stay tuned.

In other apartment news, I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it, but we’ve moved to the 24^th floor. In case you haven’t been paying attention, that’s fucking high up.  I’m pretty much on top of the world when I sleep.  

Being so high up means I have a great vantage point. It’s too bad I retired from my part-time sniper job, because I probably could have gotten a lot of work done from home. (Nothing says ‘dream job’ like snipering (that’s a word) in PJs and a housecoat, am I right, girls!?) Fortunately for me, I’m fully equipped to entertain myself with the second best thing: people watching with binoculars. 

A little back story: 

Before moving to Toronto, I lived alone in a fifth floor apartment in Montreal. While the view was measly in comparison to that of our latest home, it felt incredibly high up after living in a partial basement, and I was very excited by my newly acquired ability to spy on people. The next time he visited, my dad came equipped with binoculars for my disposal. To say the least, those bitches have gotten a lot of action over the years.

Before you say it, I’ll be the first to admit I’m a total creep. I shamelessly watch people and spend a lot of time listening to other people’s conversations. Naturally, people watching/stalking with binoculars from the 24^th floor is exhilarating to me.  With endless amounts of targets in sight, there’s a very real possibility that my sleeping pattern is about to get all sorts of cray cray. Or I’ll get arrested. One of those.

Who knows, maybe I’ll catch a fellow creep binoculating* on me as I binoculate on them.

Yep. How’s that for a sexy sentence to kick off the week? 

You’re welcome.

*Binoculate/binoculating may or may not be real words.

I say, "Potato", you say, "Let's run the world with pigeons."

I’ve hit a wall.

I keep staring at the blank screen, trying to think of something that might make you chuckle or, at the very least, huff loudly through your nostrils, but the proverbial crickets be chirpin’.  

This is all your fault.

If you weren’t so intent on being amused when you read my blog, I could just write about how much I love potatoes and that would be that. I wouldn’t need to think up clever anecdotes and new ways to say the word ‘tit’. I could just be all “Yum. POTATOES. Nom nom nom” and you would take it like a champ.  

Actually, can we take a moment to pause and appreciate the potato, folks. I mean, for serious. The possibilities are endless with those little delicious fuckers. Starchy, adaptable vegetable FTW.)

If I had an online store, I would sell T-shirts that say:

Since y’all aren’t here to read about produce, you’ve left me up shitcreek without a paddle. Nothing overly interesting has happened in my life lately.  I mean, I could tell you about last weekend and how I got so drunk I nearly picked up a cougar by accident, or about the time my landlord locked me out of my apartment and I reluctantly donated my bananas to raccoons, but those stories would probably compromise my ‘cool shit’ reputation, and we can’t have that, now, can we?

So instead, I’m going to enlighten you with a brief story that outlines why my roommate may eventually take over the world.

One quiet evening, I sat in the living room of our little apartment. The television may have been on. This is not relevant to the story. My roommate was in the kitchen, probably doing something with food and/or drink (so far, this story is going really well…), and suddenly came hurtling into the room.

Roommate: “Okay, think about this:  If you were telepathic with pigeons… like, if you were all ‘Dr. Doolittle’ with them, you could totally take over the world. With pigeons.”

Me: “What exactly would you accomplish by communicating with pigeons? Tell them where to poop, and to swoop down near people’s heads when they aren’t paying attention to scare the shit out of them*?”

Roommate: “They were used in the war!”

Me: “Well then.”

Roommate: “Think about it!”

So, if she starts acting strangely more strangely and engages in bizarre one-on-one interactions with pigeons, I’ll know to watch my back- because bitch be taking over the world, Dr. Doolittle style. 

(P.S. I still think you're crazy, roomie. And I've thought about it.)

 

* I’m 90% sure that pigeons exist for the sole purpose of fucking with me when I’m drinking wine in a park.