Your Face Isn't Stinky (Probably)

So… it’s 2012. Y’all ready for the world to end?

Sweet, me too.*

It seems like the popular thing to do when a new year starts is to dissect the previous year’s accomplishments and failures and decide how to rock the fuck out of the new year.

I’m not going to do that.

This past year was pretty awesome for me and I don’t feel like picking it apart.  Don’t get me wrong- it wasn’t without its hiccups and (mostly) metaphorical kicks to the box, but it was filled with a shit-ton of laughter and that’s what I’ll chose to remember. Regardless, 2010 kicked 2011’s ass… and I expect that 2012 will do just the same.

I’m not bursting with things to talk about today… largely because I killed an army of brain cells and ate enough to feed a family of 6 this weekend, causing simple tasks like breathing and blinking to be pretty effing challenging. 

I’m writing today because I really just wanted to gloat.

And brag.

And rub this in your stinky, little faces. (I’m just kidding. I love your faces regardless of their odour and size.)

My point is: I managed to spend less than $20 on New Year’s Eve. 

While I’m often terrible at following my own advice, (you are too, bitch, get off your high horse), I managed to have an incredibly stress-free NYE. And, like my official post-it promised, it was also filled with booze. Lots and lots of booze. 

While my drunk memory is becoming increasingly less reliable, I do have some pretty fond memories of rapping the shit out of that badass rap verse of TLC’s Waterfalls… and many, many memories of some serious ass slapping. Really I shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near tequila… come to think of it, maybe that’s why people feed me tequila in the first place… it’s all making sense now. 

I’m onto you. *winkface*

Jose is the *best* hugger

I think it’s about time I shut my trap.

I’ll leave you today with one of my favourite Sharon quotes of 2011.

(To familiarize yourself with Sharon, click right hurr.)

“The black guy I used to fuck in university had me in his phone as ‘Puddles’ because I squirted so much. He only ever wanted to fuck me in the tub.”- Sharon

Happy New Year, from myself and Puddles. 

xox

*To clarify, my overall feeling towards the “end of the world” is indifference. I’m not going to start stocking up like the assholes of Y2K did. If the world ends, it ends. Try to have a lot of sex and booze before that happens. No excuses, buddy… the world is ending.

______

Did you do anything fun to ring in the new year?

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5 Ways to Kick New Year's Eve in the Balls

It’s that time of year again- the time when we wake up with fuzzy vision, a pounding head and a decent bout of nausea.

It’s cold season, motherfuckers… and by no coincidence, it’s also time for New Year's Eve.

The night that promises to pack as much punch as my tequila-ridden alter ego is always filled with enough disappointment to last throughout the year. While I often find myself deciding this will be the last year I dress up and make plans, December rolls around again and I find myself in the throes of festivity planning.

This year, I’ve managed to keep the planning to a minimum. My plan thus far is: Booze.  I’ve even written it out on a post-it note to make it official.  

Post-its make things official.

The funny thing about New Year's Eve is that regardless of your attempts to avoid any sort of planning, some expectations are always set, and the little demon of disappointment nestles onto your shoulder, ready to pounce at any moment.  

This year, I say we kick that fucker’s ass.  

5 Ways to Kick New Year's Eve in the Balls

1. Start Early

While many of you are likely familiar with the quintessential Jimmy Buffet song It’s Five O’clock Somewhere, some of you may not be familiar with my personal mantra “It’s Never Too Early To Drink Your Face Off.”  Keeping that in mind, start your New Year's Eve off with a bang. If you’re a coffee drinker, throw some Irish cream into that bitch. If you’re an OJ drinker, a splash of tequila will wake you right up. Whatever your morning beverage preference, there’s always a way to make it boozy. If you’re unsure, and need some advice, I’m here for you.

2. Skip the Shower

That’s right. Skip it. The more effort you put into your appearance, the more likely you’re going to be sitting on a curb with your outfit torn up, covered in slush,  and cursing the day you thought bar hopping on the almighty Day of Disenchantment was a good idea. And if you decide to ignore my advice and shower anyway, please, for the love of God, do not wear fake eyelashes. They set the expectations bar higher than any other face accessory. If you’re gluing something to your eyes, you’re gluing disappointment to your future. That’s a fact.

3. Keep it Real

The best way to not get overwhelmed by plan making is to not make plans. While I’m not condoning sitting on the couch wrapped in a blanket of self pity, I am suggesting keeping things real. People seem to get so caught up planning their NYE celebrations that they forget they aren’t superbeings.  In other words, the time/space continuum has not been altered to accommodate being in 35 different places at once. If you’re going to make plans, agree to one or two things, and go from there. Don’t spread yourself too thin or you’re going to be sobering up and pissed off the whole night. And worst of all, you’ll be the biggest Party Pooper of the night. Ew.

4.Turn Off Your Phone

While Judy might be pissed off for the five minutes she’s remembered that she’s supposed to be meeting up with you, you’re probably better off without her drama. Judy is a bitch.

I cannot even begin to recount the number of NYE I’ve spent trying to meet up with people, missing calls, waiting for texts or trying to remember why the fuck my phone is in my hand. That shit is just a waste of time.  Enjoy the moment and put down the phone. This year, I’m going to set a new personal goal: Slap anyone that won’t stop checking their phone. I’m not going to explain it; I’m just going to do it. And If I follow my first little piece of advice (morning boozin’), you can guaranfuckingtee I’m going to be throwing some serious slapbombs around.

5. Stay Energized

I’m not suggesting you run out to your local blow dealer to ensure you’re the life of the party, but a Red Bull wouldn’t kill you. (Or maybe it would… I guess this last bit of advice is not to be followed if your heart ain’t down with a hard hit’o’caffeine...) Nothing is more embarrassing than being the person who doesn’t make it to midnight. Okay… well some things are probably more embarrassing, but it’s a social faux-pas, and we wouldn’t want that now would we?  So stay awake and stop being a little bitch.

I realize that our plans aren’t always 100% in our control, as some of you may be getting dragged somewhere by your ‘significant’ other, and/or your annoying, eager friends, but, try your best to stay afloat! Just remember: the drunker you are, the better the chances are that you’ll forget this sonofabitch night ever happened.

Happy New Year, my little fucklepuffs!

Cheers!