You Make Me Urinate with Joy

It’s impossible for me to be objective when it comes to this blog. It is chalked full of the random shit that gets stored up in the cavities of my brain that is then spewed out, gets formed into sentences, and (sometimes) reluctantly gets published for the internet to pick apart as they see fit.  The fact that you take the time to read it means a lot to me, even if I tell you that I hate you and that you should get fucked upside down with your mom’s dildo. (Okay, fine. I’ve never said that last part, but I’ve been trying to find a polite way to integrate it for ages.)

Regardless of my inability to be polite when I write, it is with EXTREME excitement that I announce today that I’ve won an award! Of the blogging variety!

It is with the greatest of motherfucking pleasure that I accept the Liebster Blog Award from the wonderful, funny and fashion-forward L-Kat of Dear Diary.....Love, Deranged.

I’m not one for ‘speeches’. (Seriously, if you saw me attempt to speak in public, you’d witness a girl who may or may not have had the wind knocked out of her, who looks like she has to pee and has no idea what to do with her hands. For real, though, guys. On the hips or off the hips? ON OR OFF?)

Picturing people naked is just ludicrous. How in the fucking world would that make me feel better? Do you have any idea how many people I don’t want to see naked? Most people. That’s how many. I’d rather picture everyone as brain-hungry zombies, who can only be tamed with witty banter and brilliant speech-giving techniques.  

Wait.

Who am I kidding.

I’d just rather not give speeches.

While this is a ‘written’ speech, and my nerves aren’t ‘technically’ an issue, I’m still going to save you the long drawn out acceptance speech where I claim my undying love for blogging and how much I adore all of you. Instead, I’m going to post a picture of myself. Riding a motorcycle. In a blonde wig. With a blow-up pink air guitar.  

Why?

Because you guys make me feel like I’m that badass.  Electric-guitar-playing-on-a-motorcycle kind of badass.

WHAT the FUCK is UP.

 

I love you all.

(Especially those of you with filthy fucking mouths like me.)

*

In keeping with the Liebster Blog Award rules, I’m going to proudly pass this along to five deserving bloggers. In my opinion, five isn’t nearly enough. Every one of you deserves this like Madonna deserves a punch to the throat.

Without further ado...

The award(s) go to…

Amelie of Those Who Can’t Write, Write Blogs.

Amelie is a loyal, hilarious reader from the UK who writes witty, clever retellings of her life’s colourful happenings. I knew I loved her when she explained that her “Mum's-On-A-Budget” version of Hungry Hungry Hippos was “Somewhat Peckish Dogs.”  Seriously. Love.

Shane of Wag the Dad.  

Many of you may be familiar with him. If you’re not, you should be. He writes well thought-out, clever, opinionated blogs that tend to generate a bit of controversy. Plus he writes about fake vaginas and penis enhancement drugs. Win.

Jana of Shut the Front Door.  

This bitch is funny.  This is a new blog, but goddamn is it funny. She’s witty and you should go check her out. I knew I was hooked when she agreed to sleep with a homeless man ‘if he could catch her.’ Gold.

Allie of I’m Not Really a Barista.

She is one funny fucking lady. She writes amusing posts, including my personal favourite: her “unqualified” advice column. Her most recent is about masturbation. Oh yes.

Mel of Preposterous Pace.

I’m breaking the rules right now because I know she was just nominated for this award, but she’s my blogging BFF and I have to nominate her so TOO FUCKING BAD. Nobody said I follow rules.  Mel is hilarballs (hilariousballs just sounds weird), and awkward. Plus she has taught me so much about cooking in my underwear. You should follow her. Plus I hear her house is really easy to break into.

Congratulations, you hilarious fuckers. Keep on doing what you’re doing!

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The Rules 

 

If you are awarded the Liebster Blog Award, here are the rules you “have” to follow.

1. Link back to the person who gave you the award. (You can give me a really offensive nickname if you want. I won’t cry myself to sleep. Probably.)

2. Pick five deserving bloggers to give the Liebster Blog Award to (who have less than 200 followers) and let them know why you think they’re motherfucking awesome.