Musical Vaginas and a Day of Beards

Life can get pretty fucking boring if you let it.

Day in and day out we crawl into work and spend our day praying to the clock gods that the time to go home will come faster than a 14 year olFacebookd boy. (Ya, I just said that.)

To pass the time, I like to think of things I’d rather be doing. No, I don’t mean I spend time thinking about career development and home ownership plans.  I mean I spend my time thinking “I wish I could be sitting on a beanbag chair right now” or “Oh man! Remember those bouncy things we used to play on as kids… I totally want to be bouncing down the street on one of those right now. Eating a hotdog. Wearing fairy wings.”

  

One of these...

Since life has decided to take a minute out of its busy schedule to kick me in the box lately, I’ve been spending more time than usual fantasizing about what I’d rather be doing.

Some of these might get a little weird.  

1)      I’d rather be… Pretending to be a store mannequin* and scaring the crap out of children.

* I’m using the term ‘mannequin’ very lightly here. Really just any part of the window display would be grand.

Some people might say that scaring the shit out of children is mean. Fuck those people. Scaring children builds their character and makes them get over being a pussy early in their life.  Also, it’s all kinds of fun.

I’d have to get creative when it comes to how I’d ‘dress up’.  I think the most effective way to scare children would be to dress up as an inanimate object that they will later develop a crippling fear of. For example, for the young, non-potty-trained ones, maybe scaring them while dressed as a toilet could be fun. I know their parents would really thank me when they’re wiping their 11 year old’s ass and promising the toilet will not actually eat their butt off while they’re sleeping. Probably.

2)      I’d rather be… Sitting in the middle of a circle clothing rack.

This is a simple and totally doable task, and I think about it often. The inside of a circle clothing rack can bring you serenity.

You know when you’re on the brink of a breakdown and 98% sure you’re going to light your desk on fire if one more person even looks at you? Yep. Think about the sweet, sweet sanctuary of a clothing rack. It’s like your very own, personal fort of clothing awesomeness, of which you are captain.

*Bonus points if you chose soft clothing items.
**Extra super awesome points if you use it as an opportunity to scare children.

3)      I’d rather be… In a dance music video

I’ll admit that I think about this a lot…mostly when I’m at the gym, or dancing in a club… or really just wherever loud dance music is playing and making me feel like I’m a motherfucking gangster and my hips don’t lie.

I’ve mentioned it before, and I’ll say it again: Beyoncé’s got nothing on me. Okay, maybe she’s got lots on me, but fuck her and her bootilicious sassy ass. Share the spotlight, bitch. I’ve got the moves like Jager.

4)      I’d rather be… Smoking the pipe with Absolem, the caterpillar from Alice and Wonderland

Life.Long.Dream.

I don’t think this one needs a whole lot of explanation. I’d rather be sitting with the caterpillar than doing a lot of fucking things. That guy is fucking rad.

5)      I’d rather be… Whispering inappropriate words over a PA system in a grocery store.

It doesn’t have to be a grocery store, really, just somewhere with an eclectic mixture of people who may or may not get offended easily. How much fun would it be to hear the word ‘nipple’ whispered over the PA as you select a good jar of pickles?

A lot of fun is the answer. A lot.

6)      I’d rather be… Dressed up in a Mrs. Doubtfire replica outfit, seeing if I could get a job as a nanny.

I don’t even want to explain this. I just want to do it. 

7)      I’d rather be… Drinking daiquiris on a boat…parked on land.  

We all have our redneck dreams, and this, my friends, is mine. Say what you will about water, but boats on land are all kinds of fun with very minimal risks of drowning. If I’m going to be downing daiquiris, it’s probably best for everyone involved if we’re parked on land - maybe across the street from a Walmart so I can spend my evening throwing insults and cat calls at the passersby.

Nobody fucks with people on a land boat.

8)      I’d rather be… At the Grand Opening of my soon-to-be-famous musical gynecology firm.

What woman doesn’t want to have her vagina serenaded to by the person fondling her junk?

Think about it…Your test results will always be exciting, and the pap smear dance number will make you feel like you’re a regular Broadway starlet, maybe with HPV… but nonetheless, you’re a motherfucking star.

Imagine all of the Cirque du Soleil shit that could take place on those stirrups.

9)      I’d rather be… Roaming the city wearing a (realistic) beard on my face for a day.

No, that's not me.

With the exception of the beard, no other alterations would be made to my appearance.  I would like to parade around town with a very realistic, very scruffy, very professory beard. Why? Because who the fuck doesn’t want to do that?

Really, the challenge here would be never break character.  Quite frankly, if I could go an entire day taking myself seriously while sporting a serious beard that totally clashes with my floral skirt, I think I would put that shit on my resume. If that doesn’t show character and self control, then I don’t know what does.

10)  I’d rather be… Spending a day photobombing tourist’s pictures.

Oh, hey there, group in front of the fountain.

What’s up, couple kissing in front of the statue?

How are ya, girl posing with her dinner?

What’s happenin’, friends taking a self portrait in front of the CN Tower?

Guess who just slipped in there and STOLE the motherfucking show?

I did. That’s who. 

I’m sorry that beach picture got so awkward. 

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What would you rather be doing?